She didn't tell me she was pregnant.....

[_dogma_]

Pot...kettle..black..

Id stop making trolling comments, there was no need for your utterly stupid and downright idiotic post from the last page.

Agreed! If I found out I was pregnant I don't think I could tell my bf for a while. Not because it wouldn't be his or any silly reasons like that but because, I imagine, it's a huge thing to be going through and I'd have to work it all out in my own head first before I even contemplated mentioning it to anyone.

OP I really hope you two can get through this. Most of the advice in this thread has been top notch and I hope it helps you. Thinking of you both.

 

[Things change I've changed]

Whether she knew or not is inconsequential now, be there for your partner, rise above the temptations that are in your head atm that want to ask when/why/how, that will not bring that unborn child back to life, it's tempting to feed those emotions but don't, be the an angel for your partner, do the right thing.

 

[linktoinsanity]

Sorry to read about this. Just remember to look after her for now and maybe ask her why she didn't tell you when you have both got over the sudden loss.

 

[.Lethal]

Sorry to hear that OP. A colleague went through the same thing in the last year, it took her a few months to get over it.

Time will help to heal you both, hope you both get through it ok.

 

[NickK]

also remember that many women I've spoken too have kept their pregancies secret until their first scan, most tell their partner but I do know of two that didn't until they'd had the intial "all is OK" from their doctor.

I know a couple that lost the first before the first scan. It's not uncommon for this to occur during the first pregnancy (something like 1-in-4).
They now have a baby boy and both are happy.

Not nice but how it's handled does depend on the individuals.

 

[Mr. Anderson]

11 weeks, so she missed her 1st perdiod but decided to wait to the next one to make sure before going a step further which would be tests and telling you.

 

[goldilocks]

Please don't blame her for keeping this from you - maybe if you weren't trying for a baby, maybe she just wanted the 'all clear' from the doc at the first scan - positive pregnancy tests aren't always correct - you can't be sure till you've seen it on the scan!

I'm so sorry for you both - xx

edit: if you fancy reading something to maybe give you a bit of an insight into how she may be feeling, there is a current article on the daily fail website.

 

[Dinomania]

I know, it's the Daily Mail, but this article's pretty good at telling how the whole sad process (conception to miscarriage) feels.

...

My partner kept asking if I was really OK. He was worried I wasn't dealing with it. I thought I had dealt with it.

In fact, I felt proud of the way I'd survived the pain. I felt strong - stronger than I'd ever felt in my life. But it was all a false sense of optimism. In mid-January, it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks.

Two of my friends had given birth and sent me pictures of their cute, adorable baby boys. I went shopping for gifts of toys and baby clothes. Then one night last week, I was having a bath when I started crying harder than I've ever cried in my life.

I didn't think I was going to be able to stop. It was uncontrollable, child-like sobbing. I had a horrible, but strong feeling of being poisonous inside and of being a worthless person, incapable of doing anything right.

Because I hadn't told friends or family about the pregnancy or miscarriage, I had been avoiding people in case I broke down in front of them. I moped around the house, feeling unable to do anything - even washing my hair felt like an insurmountable task.

I found myself sinking into the depths of despair. I went back to those websites and read about women who'd had two, three or more miscarriages and I wondered how on earth they coped.

But I know that humans are amazingly adaptable beings. I know that we do cope with whatever life throws in our path.

My partner and I will try again for a baby, but probably not for a few months. We need to grieve properly for this loss first.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/a...n-shares-heartache-suffering-miscarriage.html

 

[Angilion]

You two have been through a lot together - you know what to do, I'm sure.

Miscarriages are more common than you imagine - mainly because generally people keep quiet until they're past the first scan at 12 weeks (for exactly that reason, how crap to announce a pregnancy and then for it to miscarry).

I'd pencil this in as the most likely reason she didn't tell you. The first third or so of a pregnancy is the most uncertain time. It's also relatively easy to put off telling someone when you're in the early stages of pregnancy. Can always do it tomorrow...or the next day...or whenever the best time is, some time. I've heard quite a few people say that it didn't really sink in that they were pregnant until the first scan. Sure, the test said yes, but that's just a line on a stick. A scan is something else entirely.


Be supportive of her, but don't forget yourself. You also have good reason to grieve.

 

[AHarvey]

Do grow up.

Your comment was uncalled for, this isn't the place for keyboard warrior types to make those sorts of comments, support is what is needed here, nothing else! I am sure, and suspect many here would think the same, that you fully deserve the

to the OP

It's common for women to continue having a period while pregnant so it is possible your other half didn't know.

She is going to need lots of cuddles and TLC. Don't bring up her not telling you. Just be supportive of her, she will tell you in her own time why she didn't tell you, if in fact she even knew!

 

[Angilion]

Sorry for the slow response to say thanks everyone for the kind words and support…. Just to let you all know that we’re both very upset about this, she hasn’t really stopped crying and I really didn’t want to leave her this morning… I was late for work as it took some effort to go, she didn’t want me to leave, she is at the moment very insecure…

My employer is very good about this. A coworker's wife had a miscarriage and our boss simply signed him off on compassionate leave straight away. Mind you, he was in a hell of a state and wasn't competent to do anything anyway. My employer, accurately in my opinion, classes it as a death in the immediate family. Subjectively, that's pretty much what it is.

All she wants to do is sit on the sofa and hug a cushion, she hasn’t really eaten, I turned the TV before leaving but she’s not really interested. Its so sad to see her looking so weak and looking like she’s failed… [..]

That's where she gets an extra blow, because to some extent she probably does feel like she's failed. Failed in something pretty fundamental to being female, in a primal thing. Something cats and dogs and monkeys and cows can manage to do, but she didn't. It's not rational, but we're not wholly rational beings. Double whammy.

 

[2StepSteve]

Am very sorry.

This is a hard and difficult position to be in, if it was me my mind would also keep asking why didn't she tell me.

 

[Angilion]

Very sorry about your news. Wait until things have calmed down and she's in a better frame of mind, before even tackling the issue of why you weren't informed. Right now it will only put her under more pressure and stress .

This.

It does matter. But it doesn't matter right now.

 

[sigma]

Am very sorry.

This is a hard and difficult position to be in, if it was me my mind would also keep asking why didn't she tell me.

As above ^

Can't even begin to imagine what it is like to be in your position.

 

[ripperOFflesh]

sorry to hear

 

[iv-tecman]

Again, sorry for taking a while to thank you all for the support and to answer some of the questions… Obviously, I’ve been pre-occupied.

The hospital confirmed to me what had happened, and told me she was perhaps around 11 weeks. She was allowed to leave hospital the night it happened, however we’ve not long been back from seeing her local GP who has now completed further checks. All seems to be ok. I’ve took today off work to take her to the GP and to just give her some TLC.

Her body dealt with most of this, and flushed it out, in which sounds quite horrific however least it wasn’t as bad as it could have been for her.

Can’t quite understand the curling up into a ball on the sofa and hugging of cushions, at the moment I can’t seem to hug her without her feeling tense – hopefully that’ll pass. Concerned about her not eating much, again sure this’ll pass.

Its like walking on eggshells with her, as at the moment anything I say can easily result in her crying, she hasn’t told her mum what has happened, I’m pretty much on my own at the moment. Not even sure if she wants to let anyone else know – its not for me to do this….

And as far as her brother knows, as he was briefly round last night, she’s got a cold?? And here is me, putting this all up on a public forum and there she is telling no one what has happened..… But I need to talk, she isn’t and I wanted to be strong and not vent at her… So in some way, this is calming me down and I’m not getting angry – which in the long run will be of benefit to the two of us..

She knows how much I love her, and for sure we’ll be fine. If we can get through this we’ll get through anything…..

 

[Makunouchi]

You sound like a pretty together person, I'm sure this will turn out ok and you'll both get through it, sounds like you've done the right things so far.

 

[Wyrdo]

She needs to tell her family or you need to tell them for her.

 

[Skidder]

You seem like a good egg. take it as it comes but there is no harm in her finding a way to be more open about it. Statistically somewhere between a quarter and a half of all couples with kids have been through this at some point (which doesn't make it easier for you but should suggest that people around you will understand and possibly be able to help and empathise.)

 

[The Mad Rapper]

Pot...kettle..black..

Id stop making trolling comments, there was no need for your utterly stupid and downright idiotic post from the last page.

I posted what I thought. There was nothing idiotic about it, so take your own advice. Stop trolling, and keep your 'stupid and downright idiotic' thoughts for someone who actually deserves them.