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Depression/Stress
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My father has severe depression, abuses alcohol, hardly ever leaves the house and has health problems due to weight/numerous heart attacks. I live 300 miles away so can't currently do much about it and it tears me up inside 
It's excellent that she has acknowledged it and been to see someone, I don't think my father has got that far yet.
It's excellent that she has acknowledged it and been to see someone, I don't think my father has got that far yet.
Go to your GP if you plan to come off any medication. I'm telling you what you should do not what I've always done. Most of these drugs need to be slowly cut down for the best effect.
To the OP. It is almost impossible to really help without knowing her. Depression ranges from mild to very severe. Since most of the people I know that have been depressed I meet in psych wards I've only seen the worst of it really.
Soldato
Class!
I think that's incredibly brave of you to talk about your experiences and I'm so glad that you didn't succeed in taking your own life. I know a lot of people in my family and of my friends that have suffered with depression and it's very hard to admit it and to get the right help. I hope you carry on getting better. Support makes so much difference.
Soldato
Be as supportive as you can but not overbearing, it's a fine line.
My brother has had depression and anxiety since he was in school, it comes and goes and I'm not sure exactly how his doctor has labelled him, I was at university when he was really bad so didn't see him at his worst after getting in over his head with debt.
He's had a rough patch recently after being fired, smoking drugs and not taking his medication, and I've tried to help him. It was clear when he didn't want to see or speak to anyone as he would lock himself in his bedroom for long periods of time and not speak to us. In this situation if I do manage to speak to him I just let him know that we're hear to support him, we're not going to shout at him, but he does have to speak to us. It's important that he has to make a move, even small steps.
He's been speaking to my mum and myself for the last week or so, and has a job interview next week so it's not the end of the world.
It's good that your missus is being proactive and seeing a doctor, one of the hardest tasks for my mum was convincing my brother to see a doctor or counselor. I guess the only other thing I could recommend is really listening to her, let her say everything that's on her mind and try to find a solution, even if it's small it's a start.
My brother has had depression and anxiety since he was in school, it comes and goes and I'm not sure exactly how his doctor has labelled him, I was at university when he was really bad so didn't see him at his worst after getting in over his head with debt.
He's had a rough patch recently after being fired, smoking drugs and not taking his medication, and I've tried to help him. It was clear when he didn't want to see or speak to anyone as he would lock himself in his bedroom for long periods of time and not speak to us. In this situation if I do manage to speak to him I just let him know that we're hear to support him, we're not going to shout at him, but he does have to speak to us. It's important that he has to make a move, even small steps.
He's been speaking to my mum and myself for the last week or so, and has a job interview next week so it's not the end of the world.
It's good that your missus is being proactive and seeing a doctor, one of the hardest tasks for my mum was convincing my brother to see a doctor or counselor. I guess the only other thing I could recommend is really listening to her, let her say everything that's on her mind and try to find a solution, even if it's small it's a start.
Soldato
Not really.
Yes, really. Some of the things suggested are dangerous and irresponsible - I'm all for people recommending being supportive etc, but other things I can't sit by and watch. For example:
- The clinical efficacy of empathogenic drugs is, arguably, still fringe science. Cautious optimism is suggested, but we're still very far away from it becoming a mainstream treatment. To mention it was used in the 60s with Psychoanalysis (possibly the most discredited psychological approach out there) is irrelevant and suggests that psychoanalysis somehow legitimises it as a treatment option. It doesn't.
- People talking about their experiences with/withdrawal from psychopharmacological treatments is not appropriate. Medication is prescribed on an individual basis, based upon a number of factors - including clinician preference. Just because person a got drug X, and person b got drug Y does not suggest differences in efficacy. To brand medications as stupid is irresponsible - for some people they are a lifeline, and with psychotherapy, have been shown to be efficacious. Yes the debates are there, but forgive me if I don't sit by and let comments such as 'don't feel normal because now my brain doesn't produce dopamine anymore' pass by as fact. It simply isn't true.
Shall we go on?
TL;DR: Thread was ok when it was supportive messages. Now it has moved on to suggesting illicit drugs are better than regulated medications, individual experiences of medications, and recommendations, it has become dangerous.
If depression, anxiety, or any other mental health difficulty is suspected and it is having an impact on your/someone's life then:
- Go to your GP.
- Get on the list for therapy. Ensure that your psychologist is registered and qualified. The HCPC register will help with this.
- Weigh up the pro's and con's of medication, be informed.
- If you are not happy with the way in which your general practitioner has handled your situation, then ask to see a specialist (psychiatrist).
Good luck and best wishes.
some more thougts
From what I've seen of first stage mental health care, most GP's have a check-list of options ranging from self help and support groups, low level counselling, CBT and a range of proscription drugs (citalopram etc) which they have to try before you can be referred to a clinical psychiatrist (assuming the patient is not likely to be a danger to themselves or others).
At least that's what I saw. During the time it took for the drugs merry-go-round to run its course - this involved building up one medication to a dose, keeping the plateau, then weaning off it followed by a gap with no drugs, then attempting the next proscription on the list, and so on - slightly over 11 months elapsed where my ex just became worse as her symptoms were not defined or treated and the repeated change from one medication to another with the warm up and cooling off period served to make her, well... worse on so many levels. Given that she had a relapse from a long term clinical condition, I don't understand why she did not get the consultant psychiatric care and supervision that she needed from the very outset.
I can only think that GP's have budgetary and waiting list requirements to filter out all but the most severe cases to refer on to clinical psychiatry. The sad thing is that if she had been able to go to the next level of care and supervision almost immediately following her request to her GP for help, I believe she would not have fallen as far as she did. By the time the clinical care was available it was already past the point where it could have been most effective in her treatment.
After more than 2 years apart, I've spoken with her mother once or twice and had email contact with her directly once and by all accounts she it still very ill and remains without a clear diagnosis. Whilst I know mental health treatment is not an exact science and cannot be dealt with in the same way as setting a broken bone, the fact that even after all this time she is still no better off in terms of understanding what is wrong with her and how to learn to live with it and alleviate its most severe symptoms... it is just not acceptable. The distress and pain I witnessed was awful to see and to think of it continuing unabated after so much time (even given my own particular animosity over what happened to our relationship collapse), well... I'd not wish that on anybody.
In short, it is my opinion that mental healthcare in this country is woefully inadequate for just about anyone with a serious clinical depression or illness; and help, when it does come, is too late to be of any progressive usefulness. It is however all that is available - unless you can pay for private care.
I know of people who have very positive experiences of this level of care, but I also know of those who's experience is similar to my own.
The only thing I can think of is to push for treatment all stages of the process - if something is not working or is contributing detrimentally the problem, demand it be addressed and if necessary, changed.
Best of luck to anyone suffering from or those supporting someone suffering from these problems. Little steps and small victories (instead of expecting giant short-cuts), common sense and healthy living are no substitute for clinical treatment, but they can and do help in their own way.
From what I've seen of first stage mental health care, most GP's have a check-list of options ranging from self help and support groups, low level counselling, CBT and a range of proscription drugs (citalopram etc) which they have to try before you can be referred to a clinical psychiatrist (assuming the patient is not likely to be a danger to themselves or others).
At least that's what I saw. During the time it took for the drugs merry-go-round to run its course - this involved building up one medication to a dose, keeping the plateau, then weaning off it followed by a gap with no drugs, then attempting the next proscription on the list, and so on - slightly over 11 months elapsed where my ex just became worse as her symptoms were not defined or treated and the repeated change from one medication to another with the warm up and cooling off period served to make her, well... worse on so many levels. Given that she had a relapse from a long term clinical condition, I don't understand why she did not get the consultant psychiatric care and supervision that she needed from the very outset.
I can only think that GP's have budgetary and waiting list requirements to filter out all but the most severe cases to refer on to clinical psychiatry. The sad thing is that if she had been able to go to the next level of care and supervision almost immediately following her request to her GP for help, I believe she would not have fallen as far as she did. By the time the clinical care was available it was already past the point where it could have been most effective in her treatment.
After more than 2 years apart, I've spoken with her mother once or twice and had email contact with her directly once and by all accounts she it still very ill and remains without a clear diagnosis. Whilst I know mental health treatment is not an exact science and cannot be dealt with in the same way as setting a broken bone, the fact that even after all this time she is still no better off in terms of understanding what is wrong with her and how to learn to live with it and alleviate its most severe symptoms... it is just not acceptable. The distress and pain I witnessed was awful to see and to think of it continuing unabated after so much time (even given my own particular animosity over what happened to our relationship collapse), well... I'd not wish that on anybody.
In short, it is my opinion that mental healthcare in this country is woefully inadequate for just about anyone with a serious clinical depression or illness; and help, when it does come, is too late to be of any progressive usefulness. It is however all that is available - unless you can pay for private care.
I know of people who have very positive experiences of this level of care, but I also know of those who's experience is similar to my own.
The only thing I can think of is to push for treatment all stages of the process - if something is not working or is contributing detrimentally the problem, demand it be addressed and if necessary, changed.
Best of luck to anyone suffering from or those supporting someone suffering from these problems. Little steps and small victories (instead of expecting giant short-cuts), common sense and healthy living are no substitute for clinical treatment, but they can and do help in their own way.
I have to apologize for my previous post, I was getting a bit angry, sorry.
Everyone is different when It comes to medication though; I will say that I was on a vast array of meds, ranging from Gamanil, fluoxetine, cipramil etc, but by far the worst meds I was on were clomipramine, side effects were terrible, painful constipation to making me violently sick with indigestion and causing an increase in my seizures.
Please be aware this is just me; keep an eye out for anything strange in the early days.
I was on anti-psychotics for 7 years (mood stabilizer).
Didn't help with my then psychiatrist, she just kept plying me with meds every month.
I asked for CBT. Nothing for 4 years, then a new doctor took over and BAM! In a matter of 2 weeks I was doing CBT. Please do not rely on tablets, from experience I can say it only masks the problem it will not solve it.
I still have really bad days, my OCD can be unbearable at times; I exercise and push myself mentally.
When I was on the meds I WAS emotionless, now I'm off them (my choice), I could think for the first time in ages, the emotions that came back to me for the first time in 7+ years were interesting/overwhelming (the Olanzapine, anti-psychotics). I've lost five stone through hard work, but I have to be on my toes, I'm 36 and I cannot type everything that has happened to me in the last 20 odd years (wish I could), for me I have to live with it, It is a part of me.
I know this post might sound a bit selfish (mostly about me), but I feel If it in someway helps not only me but someone else, then that's a good sign.
And another thing, you MUST keep to a routine, try and do things that would not only keep you busy but things that you will enjoy, keep to a routine every day do not faulter, keep pushing.
Most important of all, you are not alone.
David
Everyone is different when It comes to medication though; I will say that I was on a vast array of meds, ranging from Gamanil, fluoxetine, cipramil etc, but by far the worst meds I was on were clomipramine, side effects were terrible, painful constipation to making me violently sick with indigestion and causing an increase in my seizures.
Please be aware this is just me; keep an eye out for anything strange in the early days.
I was on anti-psychotics for 7 years (mood stabilizer).
Didn't help with my then psychiatrist, she just kept plying me with meds every month.
I asked for CBT. Nothing for 4 years, then a new doctor took over and BAM! In a matter of 2 weeks I was doing CBT. Please do not rely on tablets, from experience I can say it only masks the problem it will not solve it.
I still have really bad days, my OCD can be unbearable at times; I exercise and push myself mentally.
When I was on the meds I WAS emotionless, now I'm off them (my choice), I could think for the first time in ages, the emotions that came back to me for the first time in 7+ years were interesting/overwhelming (the Olanzapine, anti-psychotics). I've lost five stone through hard work, but I have to be on my toes, I'm 36 and I cannot type everything that has happened to me in the last 20 odd years (wish I could), for me I have to live with it, It is a part of me.
I know this post might sound a bit selfish (mostly about me), but I feel If it in someway helps not only me but someone else, then that's a good sign.
And another thing, you MUST keep to a routine, try and do things that would not only keep you busy but things that you will enjoy, keep to a routine every day do not faulter, keep pushing.
Most important of all, you are not alone.
David
Soldato
Who's the op meant to ask then if he can't ask here, it's not him remember, it's his girlfriend and he's already said she has seen a GP. Most of the people in this forum have just told him of their experiences, no one is saying take this, take that.
If i came across in a way that suggested taking e, then i apologise, it wasn't meant in that way, it's illegal remember
It was an off the cuff remark.
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Personally I think I might be slightly depressed. I've had a pretty miserable life and I find it very hard to connect with people.
I keep hoping for a way out, someone to just take the jump and give me a platform to help prove myself.
There's been times when I've actually been happy, when I've had people round me, had a girl kissing me, basically a constant light keeping that dark dog at bay.
But these moments are few, and I find it so so easy to sleep into bad routines. I can't keep up relationships well, I don't do friendships, I miss important things, and I just spin my wheels.
My life is merely numbness at the moment, I exist just to get by. I used to have such vivid passionate ambition, where I would do all and everything. Now I can't even do the most basic of things. I've stalled in my degree, I have no prospects for after, its just a train I see heading for me and I'm too lethargic to move.
I'm not sure my problem is chemical (though what do I know!), I think its just a culmination of a crap childhood, **** teenage years with a lot of issues. Lots should have been resolved but have dug a lot deeper into my psyche than they ever should. I have severe problems with the way I see myself, and ironically enough doubts about my own sanity which is a very self perpetuating thing.
I don't consider medication to be the way forward, something that when I saw a doctor privately once (screw having depression on my record! Far too much stigma still), they were more than happy to start me on some stuff, and it felt like they were happy just to throw pills at the problem.
All I want is to be normal. To have the usual collection of friends, to stave off the loneliness that creeps into everything, and to find a purpose in my life. I used to have religion as the guiding force, but the world that we live in isn't particularly conducive to that, and I have a desperate search for more.
Who knows? I sure as hell don't.
I keep hoping for a way out, someone to just take the jump and give me a platform to help prove myself.
There's been times when I've actually been happy, when I've had people round me, had a girl kissing me, basically a constant light keeping that dark dog at bay.
But these moments are few, and I find it so so easy to sleep into bad routines. I can't keep up relationships well, I don't do friendships, I miss important things, and I just spin my wheels.
My life is merely numbness at the moment, I exist just to get by. I used to have such vivid passionate ambition, where I would do all and everything. Now I can't even do the most basic of things. I've stalled in my degree, I have no prospects for after, its just a train I see heading for me and I'm too lethargic to move.
I'm not sure my problem is chemical (though what do I know!), I think its just a culmination of a crap childhood, **** teenage years with a lot of issues. Lots should have been resolved but have dug a lot deeper into my psyche than they ever should. I have severe problems with the way I see myself, and ironically enough doubts about my own sanity which is a very self perpetuating thing.
I don't consider medication to be the way forward, something that when I saw a doctor privately once (screw having depression on my record! Far too much stigma still), they were more than happy to start me on some stuff, and it felt like they were happy just to throw pills at the problem.
All I want is to be normal. To have the usual collection of friends, to stave off the loneliness that creeps into everything, and to find a purpose in my life. I used to have religion as the guiding force, but the world that we live in isn't particularly conducive to that, and I have a desperate search for more.
Who knows? I sure as hell don't.
Who's the op meant to ask then if he can't ask here, it's not him remember, it's his girlfriend and he's already said she has seen a GP. Most of the people in this forum have just told him of their experiences, no one is saying take this, take that.
If i came across in a way that suggested taking e, then i apologise, it wasn't meant in that way, it's illegal remember
I apologise also - doing this as a job means that I have to deal with a lot of misconceptions before a person actually listens to advice, it's quite frustrating after a time!
Sorry to hear about your situation, but:
- Although it may have seemed like the Dr was trying to throw medication at you, it was more likely a considered clinical decision. I'm not trying to convince anybody that medication is the way forward (for what it's worth I do see it's value, particularly when combined with other treatments), but if you won't accept the treatment offered, then why go to a gp? Would you refuse antibiotics?*
- Therapy has a good record (especially CBT) in assisting an individual in moving forward with their problems. Might be worth investigating further.
- The chemical imbalance hypothesis is somewhat overstated (in my - and other's- opinion). Environment and developmental history can play a dramatic role.
- As others in the thread have mentioned, don't underestimate the impact that good exercise, sleep and diet can have.
- Doubting one's own sanity is a pretty robust measure to say that you're not insane. Crazy people don't know they're crazy (a gross simplification, but you get my meaning).
- Investigate options, would be my best advice (not medical advice!).
Best wishes.
*I know it's not a parallel situation, but my point is to illustrate that the medical profession has certain treatments for mental health difficulties - if you're not going to try them, then you need to think very carefully about what you do want.
Soldato
without the long life sob story of a childhood that was not the best last year I managed to suffer and overcome massive work related stress along with much personal stress too
again without going into detail
January 2012 Step dad diagnosed with throat cancer. 2 lots of kimo and 5 months of daily radio on his throat taking us up to may/june. THANKFULLY all cleared but stress none the less
May 2012 my 47 year old dad suffers major heart attack, heart lucky to be beating etc etc heart transplant due ASAP.
My own stress, which was big stress was my job. Promoted at a young age i basically employed 16 people running a plant (capital equipment) sales business. My job had changed from two years previous the stress was worse, the hours were not required i.e not asked of me but i did them anyway, my staff put in 110% we turned over 8 million a year with minimal everything, i also looked after the yard, (5 acres), key accounts, blah blah blah.
In august I could not catch my breath, my chest felt weird and I genuinely was not right . After a scare at home which involved numb arms, sharp pains from chest, dizzy, no breath and a racing heart I was told i was "stressed" and needed to calm. at 27 years of age what am i to do. I quit my job, did what was probably right for me and never looked back. One thing it did highlight was a very high cholesterol level again 27 years old 11 stone.... cholesterol 8.7 should be no more than 4. I consider it to be a blessing that I have adapted my lifestyle to suit and this is reducing.
Life is to short, my job at the moment is not as high as in management terms, I now run my own business so I make the rules with none of the stress cant moan.
Good luck. Do what it right for you all
again without going into detail
January 2012 Step dad diagnosed with throat cancer. 2 lots of kimo and 5 months of daily radio on his throat taking us up to may/june. THANKFULLY all cleared but stress none the less
May 2012 my 47 year old dad suffers major heart attack, heart lucky to be beating etc etc heart transplant due ASAP.
My own stress, which was big stress was my job. Promoted at a young age i basically employed 16 people running a plant (capital equipment) sales business. My job had changed from two years previous the stress was worse, the hours were not required i.e not asked of me but i did them anyway, my staff put in 110% we turned over 8 million a year with minimal everything, i also looked after the yard, (5 acres), key accounts, blah blah blah.
In august I could not catch my breath, my chest felt weird and I genuinely was not right . After a scare at home which involved numb arms, sharp pains from chest, dizzy, no breath and a racing heart I was told i was "stressed" and needed to calm. at 27 years of age what am i to do. I quit my job, did what was probably right for me and never looked back. One thing it did highlight was a very high cholesterol level again 27 years old 11 stone.... cholesterol 8.7 should be no more than 4. I consider it to be a blessing that I have adapted my lifestyle to suit and this is reducing.
Life is to short, my job at the moment is not as high as in management terms, I now run my own business so I make the rules with none of the stress cant moan.
Good luck. Do what it right for you all
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Thank you for taking the time to write this, very much appreciated.
I understand entirely what you mean about the medication, but it was almost like a switch with the doctor. He didn't even really listen to me, he just instantly suggested medication without even asking questions etc. I understand there is a place for it, but I'd much rather use them as a last resort, if I do so happen to need them. Seems like they bring their own set of troubles, and unlike antibiotics, there doesn't seem to be an end in sight!
Therapy however I can see the benefit in. I saw a counselor for a bit of time (free provided with uni) and that was a lot of use. However I can't afford to go private (£45+ a session???) and I am wary of going down the NHS route.
Good exercise, sleep and diet are all critical things, and all things I lack! Again, I find it so hard to concentrate now, and to establish routines. Even sleep which traditionally hasn't been an issue is now restless and doesn't "waken" me.
When I say I doubt my own insanity, I mean in terms of my capabilities. One moment I have people saying that I am incredibly intelligent, I seem to be able to grasp very complex things, get top grades with no work blah blah blah etc etc etc, and the next I seem to mess up on simple things, and wonder if everyone is having me on. Sounds crazy
p), but the mind is remarkably adept at using situations to make something believable! I think you are right about creating options. I feel this is the perfect time to do so. In a couple months, I'll be graduated, and will lose that (albeit tenuous) stability and routine that university provides. I need to get a grip on things or at least establish a rock to push out on, before I fall down the cracks entirely.
I'd have thought that having any sort of mental health issues on your medical record could royally screw your future prospects. New employer wants a medical... report comes back... "Sorry, we have to let you go!"
I know that last time I had a medical before joining a company, the doctor said they wouldn't withhold information. So personally, I would never seek medical help for any sort of mental problem. I'd probably try independent hypnotherapy or NLP or something.
EDIT: Or drugs and hookers.
I know that last time I had a medical before joining a company, the doctor said they wouldn't withhold information. So personally, I would never seek medical help for any sort of mental problem. I'd probably try independent hypnotherapy or NLP or something.
EDIT: Or drugs and hookers.
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@ sports_brah
Sounds pretty normal to me mate.
Fact is human beings are designed as social creatures, and while we can function pretty well in isolation - hobbies, developing selfish skills - doing things that interest us etc, at a very basic level we stop growing as individuals, as emotional beings, when we lack intimate social contact (through relationships, be they with friends or partners etc).
However, it's important not to judge yourself in the reflections of what other people project of themselves to the rest of the world. More simply, the grass is not always greener. Just because someone looks happy and successful on the outside doesn't mean they're feeling happy and successful on the inside. This is particularly important to keep in perspective if you are a single person observing all of the things couples have the appearance of having and that reflection making you feel somehow lacking in life.
While that sort of contradicts what I said above, both hold true.
Most of us are treading water through life in one way or another. Find something that you can be passionate about and pursue it, or, rediscover it - the only snag is that you have to actively want it badly enough to do something to make it happen yourself. Within reason of course - an example for meeting women - you might not be able to make people like you, but if you never go out and mix with other people, you'll never have the chance to meet someone you might get on with. I think most people struggle with this when they are not part of a larger social group.
But the logic applies to many other things in life - if you don't do anything, you'll never do anything. Yah, sounds so obvious doesn't it?
Also you have to leave you perception of yourself as a child far behind; you are whoever you choose to be, more or less- happy, sad, confident, victim. Many of these things are learned behaviour, patterns of thought and emotion that reinforce actions and method, largely derived through experience. The root of most CBT is learning how to see the ways you react to things and beginning to modify your responses to something more positive to your life and future of how you want to be. Taking control of shaping who you want to be and dictating circumstances to reflect that instead of bumping along having things merely 'happen' to you.
Ultimately, most of us just want to be happy. But you have to find your own way to that though.
If I'm honest about it, even though I spend most of the week around people at work, I'm damn lonely most of the rest of the time. Pushing 37 this year, most of my friends are married and have kids, so the larger social group has fragmented into smaller satellites. For me, meeting new people and tentatively looking at new relationships is always hard, especially if where you were expecting to be by now is not where you have ended up!
But nothing about any of that is abnormal - it's just how life can be sometimes.
I do my own thing for the most part and when my path crosses that of another, well, it could be something, it could be nothing.
So, say 'yes' to the world more than you say 'no', in all aspects of your life. If you don't, you'll never know what might have been.
Sounds pretty normal to me mate.
Fact is human beings are designed as social creatures, and while we can function pretty well in isolation - hobbies, developing selfish skills - doing things that interest us etc, at a very basic level we stop growing as individuals, as emotional beings, when we lack intimate social contact (through relationships, be they with friends or partners etc).
However, it's important not to judge yourself in the reflections of what other people project of themselves to the rest of the world. More simply, the grass is not always greener. Just because someone looks happy and successful on the outside doesn't mean they're feeling happy and successful on the inside. This is particularly important to keep in perspective if you are a single person observing all of the things couples have the appearance of having and that reflection making you feel somehow lacking in life.
While that sort of contradicts what I said above, both hold true.
Most of us are treading water through life in one way or another. Find something that you can be passionate about and pursue it, or, rediscover it - the only snag is that you have to actively want it badly enough to do something to make it happen yourself. Within reason of course - an example for meeting women - you might not be able to make people like you, but if you never go out and mix with other people, you'll never have the chance to meet someone you might get on with. I think most people struggle with this when they are not part of a larger social group.
But the logic applies to many other things in life - if you don't do anything, you'll never do anything. Yah, sounds so obvious doesn't it?
Also you have to leave you perception of yourself as a child far behind; you are whoever you choose to be, more or less- happy, sad, confident, victim. Many of these things are learned behaviour, patterns of thought and emotion that reinforce actions and method, largely derived through experience. The root of most CBT is learning how to see the ways you react to things and beginning to modify your responses to something more positive to your life and future of how you want to be. Taking control of shaping who you want to be and dictating circumstances to reflect that instead of bumping along having things merely 'happen' to you.
Ultimately, most of us just want to be happy. But you have to find your own way to that though.
If I'm honest about it, even though I spend most of the week around people at work, I'm damn lonely most of the rest of the time. Pushing 37 this year, most of my friends are married and have kids, so the larger social group has fragmented into smaller satellites. For me, meeting new people and tentatively looking at new relationships is always hard, especially if where you were expecting to be by now is not where you have ended up!
But nothing about any of that is abnormal - it's just how life can be sometimes.
I do my own thing for the most part and when my path crosses that of another, well, it could be something, it could be nothing.
So, say 'yes' to the world more than you say 'no', in all aspects of your life. If you don't, you'll never know what might have been.
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@ sports_brah
Sounds pretty normal to me mate.
Fact is human beings are designed as social creatures, and while we can function pretty well in isolation - hobbies, developing selfish skills - doing things that interest us etc, at a very basic level we stop growing as individuals, as emotional beings, when we lack intimate social contact (through relationships, be they with friends or partners etc).
However, it's important not to judge yourself in the reflections of what other people project of themselves to the rest of the world. More simply, the grass is not always greener. Just because someone looks happy and successful on the outside doesn't mean they're feeling happy and successful on the inside. This is particularly important to keep in perspective if you are a single person observing all of the things couples have the appearance of having and that reflection making you feel somehow lacking in life.
While that sort of contradicts what I said above, both hold true.
Most of us are treading water through life in one way or another. Find something that you can be passionate about and pursue it, or, rediscover it - the only snag is that you have to actively want it badly enough to do something to make it happen yourself. Within reason of course - an example for meeting women - you might not be able to make people like you, but if you never go out and mix with other people, you'll never have the chance to meet someone you might get on with. I think most people struggle with this when they are not part of a larger social group.
But the logic applies to many other things in life - if you don't do anything, you'll never do anything. Yah, sounds so obvious doesn't it?
Also you have to leave you perception of yourself as a child far behind; you are whoever you choose to be, more or less- happy, sad, confident, victim. Many of these things are learned behaviour, patterns of thought and emotion that reinforce actions and method, largely derived through experience. The root of most CBT is learning how to see the ways you react to things and beginning to modify your responses to something more positive to your life and future of how you want to be. Taking control of shaping who you want to be and dictating circumstances to reflect that instead of bumping along having things merely 'happen' to you.
Ultimately, most of us just want to be happy. But you have to find your own way to that though.
If I'm honest about it, even though I spend most of the week around people at work, I'm damn lonely most of the rest of the time. Pushing 37 this year, most of my friends are married and have kids, so the larger social group has fragmented into smaller satellites. For me, meeting new people and tentatively looking at new relationships is always hard, especially if where you were expecting to be by now is not where you have ended up!
But nothing about any of that is abnormal - it's just how life can be sometimes.
I do my own thing for the most part and when my path crosses that of another, well, it could be something, it could be nothing.
So, say 'yes' to the world more than you say 'no', in all aspects of your life. If you don't, you'll never know what might have been.
That must have taken some effort to write, very very much obliged!
I get exactly what you mean about isolation. I can handle it, I've been isolated before for long periods of time, and whilst I can hold out indefinitely, company does have its merits.
The perception thing is also incredibly powerful, and something I definitely need to work on. One notable example I recently noticed is that I have terrible posture, which is as a result of me trying to skulk around and fit into the world. When I was a young chap (I'm now in my early to mid twenties
), I used to be short. Even though I'm now slightly above average height (6'2"+) I still feel very self conscious about my height. confused I had issues with my face, some of which are still unresolved (though I'm working on fixing them), all of which SHOULD be unimportant, but I had real rough time growing up (family moved countries, 15+ schools etc), with plenty of bullying and isolation, which as much as I don't want to admit it, took its toll upon me. By the time I was at A-Level, I was a wreak. Coming from nearly all boys schools, I couldn't talk to a girl without blushing like a crazy mofo!
I think you are very very correct about reinforcement about yourself. I don't speak coherently, I get nervous in public, I absolutely DIE when I have to speak in public, even in tiny things like seminar groups, let alone doing presentations etc. I slouch, I'm scrawny and don't take good care of myself. These things help reinforce peoples negative impressions of myself.
I still can't get over the niggly feeling that something is wrong deeper down. I always seem to thwart myself, and hinder myself, almost as if I was self sabotaging.
I guess, if I could find someone I trusted enough not to talk ******** to me, who could convince me that I was in fact perfectly normal, or at least within certain parameters, then I could start to improve myself.