The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[JonnyT]

Spank me if you think this isn't true, but, my opinion is that if a guy breaks it off with a girl, then she is a wreck - huge self confidence killer. Therefore she constantly thinks "what's wrong with me" and pines for the ex degrading herself along the way and not allowing anyone else into her life. However, if she is the one doing the ditching then she is over the boyfriend immediately.

Unfortunately for you, she was the one ditched.

My advice is be there for her, enjoy the ride so to speak, but I certainly wouldn't put too much effort into a relationship until she solves her issues and the ties to the ex.

A lot of truth in this. When a girl does the dumping, by the time it gets to the "it's not you, it's me" she's thought about doing it A LOT and has pretty much made up her mind, so trying to work things through rarely works.

On the flipside, when a girl is dumped, as you say her self-esteem takes a big knock. Some girls (paradoxically given the above) try to fight to try and save the relationship to the point of desperation, whereas others will go out and try and move on too quickly; either via a few one-nighters or some unfortunate guy who's been the shoulder to cry on for her.

 

[The__Malteser]

Seeing a girl for over a month now. She lives with her boyfriend (still calls him that) but he broke it off with her. She doesn't know why, maybe he cheated on her. He just stopped talking to her and checks his phone a lot more. I understand she's in a hard situation especially when a 7 year relationship just ends like that. She really likes me, we talk a lot and text each other all the time when were not together. She said she needs time to figure out what she needs to do. She doesn't want to make a decision too early and pick me or him and be thinking of the other person.
I want to be with her, but im not sure what to do, should I just be patient or maybe give her a deadline (that sounds bad) for a decision. I really don't know.

Due this sounds like trouble, A LOT of trouble

Stop trying to justify it to yourself, she's not ready for a full committed relationship yet.

This really. Couldn't have said it better.

 

[Matutu]

Well guys if any of you remember the old posts of mine.... same position... another 2 months on and in exact same place. Built to a final head on Friday and now she is back at her mums and taken some stuff for a weeks "Break"......

We are going to be meeting on Saturday I guess to discuss the future, so this week has been filled with thinking about what to do etc and what I actually want....

One thing I do now know for sure... I have been fooling myself for the past months since all these troubles started that I have had happy times, they have all been tainted for me fooling myself in some way that normal things that I do which I choose not to are just me trying to live a quiet life, where now I know it was just me not being me and not doing the things I actually wanted to do just to try and keep the peace... That is NOT A LIFE I WANT

I know this now, so now need to find either a way to work this so it can be a relationship again as at present and for the past months it has not been, I know this now. Or we part ways, which is something I really do not want, as one stage I did think she would be the girl for the rest of my life.

Sorry just feels good to get something down on the screen lol.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

It's not a relationship now and therefore can't be one "again".

Rip the band aid off.

e : hang on, you're the chap who was talking about putting his lady on the deeds, right? Yeah, still don't do that. Meet someone who isn't crazy instead.

 

[Matutu]

LOL! Sorry love that edit lol....

Yes I am that guy and that has stopped etc so that was stopped back in January as I made us go over and have a chat with her Mother to explain why I didn't want to go ahead with it etc, as I started to feel guilty that her mum thought it was me just being selfish or not looking after her, why I wasn't putting her on.

She completely agreed and said it would be stupid and irresponsible to even consider it at present.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

Thanks ever so much Trixi, I might take you up on that chat!

The idea of a break is just such a downer as I have worked my ass off to give her EVERYTHING she has ever said to me she wanted, all this has left is her having this and now demanding more.

There is nothing left lol.

I hate failing at anything and the thought of putting everything on hold for 3months is awful :S.

Really dunno how to move, on its just a constant "I will fix this" "I can do this" a few lovely texts from her promising not to. Then 3 days later a repeat and this has gone this way now for months!

I think her expectations of "Closeness" are just insanity or OTT, this never used to be a problem as always at the start of the relationship you are abit like that "Honeymoon etc", but she wants that constant everyday!

Everyday in her mind should be showering with kisses, never apart, compliments constantly, loving holding each other etc etc. Well I said earlier to her the thought of waking up kissing someone good morning, then going through the day doing stuff and kissing goodnight in the evening is INSANITY! and no relationship is like that!

This isn't healthy. It's not a phase. It won't pass. You're not compatible and I'm sure she's a nice girl but there's nothing from any of your posts that suggests that she's the girl for you.

 

[Matutu]

I think it just moved to fast and its my own fault really as I kept trying to give her everything she wanted, then as soon as the Engagement occurred, thats when it went off the dead end .

She seems to have aged backwards and got very immature and just so jealous of EVERYTHING since that point. I mean as you quoted she loves closeness and that is her be all end all thing, however she as a 26 year old adult cannot understand that if you are not happy with each other or things are not good, that closeness will not come naturally :S. I actually think she would be fine knowing it was forced and unnatural as long as she got it.

Where I think otherwise, I think a relationship it based on fundamentals of 2 people loving being around each other and just being together, closeness then is founded on this and occurs due to this :S. It should be based on closeness i.e. kisses, hugs, sex etc etc as this should just come naturally from the relationship

 

[Matutu]

I know some things are just not right though and are the breaking points really.

An Example would be:
Firstly - I have no friends close (Yes pity me lol), I focused on work and lost contact, my fault and not complaining, it happens, however I have a single person I can talk to which is a long standing friend in London. So I struggle finding people to chat to, hence why I am talking on here....
I last year was admitted to hospital for a week or 2 with blood clots on my lung, long story short, lost a lot of lung, on going medical issues and it was quite traumatic.....
So I am a member of a few Facebook support groups for this, now I am chatting on these occasionally with other people answering questions, or asking etc etc. Now I got chatting with 1 woman who had a PE like myself and is doing well, we then got chatting about other things life etc and she is in the same line of work so exchanged I don't know 20-25msgs over 3days about this. I never asked her age..... relationship status...... how she lives etc nothing, it was just nice to have someone to chat to for support about our issue and also someone in my industry. My family etc all mentioned wow, its so nice you have someone to talk to etc.

All except my Partner.... she would be not happy, ask me to tell her what I was talking about and I mean every detail. Then start asking why I could not talk to her about this etc and I should be and why I need to talk to someone else as I already have my friend in London I mentioned above..... She then said "Why are you on a mission to find girls as friends" I mean a mission!! lol I sent a few messages to someone who has the same medical problem and was interested in doing some charity fundraising for it.

The above are things which I am struggling with now as I don't know if she will ever be able to change those things.

I just don't know things have ended like that, she never would be like that before the proposal at all and now everything seems just OTT.

 

[Narj]

Wow, another mate of mine getting divorced. Everyone seems to be splitting with their missus since new year.

It's great; I'm getting my drinking buddies back!

 

[mac1st3]

Turns out the girl who I recently had things going on with, I deleted her number and removed as many reminders/postings as I could so as not to be tempted to contact her, she's not said anything to me either despite various other issues I'm having that I thought she might be a friend to help with, but after all the crap she spouted about not coming over to mine as she couldn't leave her dogs alone, now found out she's been going over to her new guy's place to stay...what a *****

 

[Matutu]

Oh and the best thing......... When we had this whole discussion on Thursday night, I said thats it you need to go for a week we need a break to see if its worth continuing etc.....

She said after 5mins of crying etc "You won't post this on Facebook will you".... WTF I mean Facebook, am i in high school again lol

 

[MikeTheNative]

Oh and the best thing......... When we had this whole discussion on Thursday night, I said thats it you need to go for a week we need a break to see if its worth continuing etc.....

She said after 5mins of crying etc "You won't post this on Facebook will you".... WTF I mean Facebook, am i in high school again lol

So you posted it to the OCUK forums instead?? I know it's not as bad but it's still the same thing really.

 

[Matutu]

No offence, the people on here I do not know in real life, you also do not know her and I am after advice to help things etc or find a way around it. Not just Facebook which is full of mindless updates etc

 

[Black Dynamite]

It looks like i'm going to be dumped. Constant arguments, toxic environment, i've been here before to be honest. I've tried to fix things but it is at breaking point now.

I can cope with the breakup, I feel over it already if that makes sense?

What I need help with is what to do with the mortgage!

What are my options? We own the house 50/50 but I don't have anywhere near enough to pay her off and get her to sign the house over to me.

I can comfortably absorb her mortgage payments, and still have money left over each month so this isn't a problem.

Anyone been through this or have any idea what the process is?

Thanks guys

 

[Matutu]

Think the main thing to do is keep it civil and then try and talk to talk it though, if not it could get quite messy!

 

[Black Dynamite]

Think the main thing to do is keep it civil and then try and talk to talk it though, if not it could get quite messy!

I think things will be civil which is one thing.

Any idea how I would go about raising the funds to buy her half of the house? I'm sure she would sign the paperwork providing she gets her share, which is completely fair

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

You should probably speak to a lawyer.

 

[Matutu]

Yes above start the ball rolling now and speak to someone. Maybe you can look to take on additional money through your mortgage?

Well had a think this morning about my situation and think there are 2 options really.
1. End it....... the damage is too much to be repaired, its only been a few days of being apart and I already feel so much more relaxed, like a weight lifted off my shoulders. No more worrying what I say or how I say something etc etc. I feel just very worn out from the past 10months really.
2. Go right back to the start and this time try not to make the same mistakes.....
She would move out from my parents house, move back home and then we start seeing each other a few days per week exact same when we first just met, then see how things are... if we can exist like that and be happy. I then move into the house in June/July and continue like above and just see if we can be happy.

I can foresee a few issues with both though . Mainly with the second as going back is like going back in time, now i have responsibilities I have a house which I am still working on and have built from the ground up and I still have a lot of work to do, also finally now its coming to the end I can start on my own hobby and finish my aquarium build etc. So going right back to the start would mean problems as I need to spend time with these things, I get the feeling if we went back she would want to go back to when a couple first start dating, going and doing new different things etc etc, however I am not like that any more I want to a grow up and settle into the home and have nights in like you do......

Still have a few more days before we meet to think about it but still very torn between the 2.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

Choice 1.

 

[ci_newman]

I agree, Choice 1. The damage is done, the relationship won't be the same - and as you say, you want different things now.