The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Associate
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guys... i'm at a loss, my ex has found a new partner and it is beginning to have an adverse effect on my daughter (its obviously confusing her), I found out the other day that she has put a picture of my daughter and new guy in my daughters bedroom... now is it just me or is this not odd? my daughter (who is 4 btw) also told me of the "stop sign" mummy puts on her door and when its up she isn't allowed to go into her bedroom...

now i am going to speak to her about this as its confusing my daughter and her behaviors are changing ever so slightly, but my problem is that she isn't all there mentally and this is a normal thing to do with a new guy you have been seeing for a maximum of 4 months at a push...... any advice?
 
Soldato
Joined
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Still have a few more days before we meet to think about it but still very torn between the 2.

You met a woman and she was great while you were dating and seeing each other a few times a week. You moved in together and got to know her better. Then you found out that the person you though she was is in fact an act she put on (consciously or not) during the early honeymoon period. Now you've got to know her better, you know what she's really like deep down, not just the superficial mask everyone puts on for the rest of the world.

It seems like you are stuck because you remember what she was like to begin with. You want the return of all those feelings and that happiness you had at the beginning. But that's not who she really is. That was the personality she put on to make you happy in the early days. That was the person who got you engaged and nearly down as the owner on half your house. The person who nearly married you.

I think you've got to realise that's not who she is. The person you know now, the one who stresses you out, is who she really is. If you'd known her that way at the beginning, would you have even got past a few dates? You're romanticising her as the woman you put on a pedestal at the beginning of the relationship (which a lot of men do), and you need to decide what you want based on who you now know her to be, not how you want her to be. That fantasy woman isn't inside you're fiancée, it's only in your head.
 
Associate
Joined
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You met a woman and she was great while you were dating and seeing each other a few times a week. You moved in together and got to know her better. Then you found out that the person you though she was is in fact an act she put on (consciously or not) during the early honeymoon period. Now you've got to know her better, you know what she's really like deep down, not just the superficial mask everyone puts on for the rest of the world.

It seems like you are stuck because you remember what she was like to begin with. You want the return of all those feelings and that happiness you had at the beginning. But that's not who she really is. That was the personality she put on to make you happy in the early days. That was the person who got you engaged and nearly down as the owner on half your house. The person who nearly married you.

I think you've got to realise that's not who she is. The person you know now, the one who stresses you out, is who she really is. If you'd known her that way at the beginning, would you have even got past a few dates? You're romanticising her as the woman you put on a pedestal at the beginning of the relationship (which a lot of men do), and you need to decide what you want based on who you now know her to be, not how you want her to be. That fantasy woman isn't inside you're fiancée, it's only in your head.

Thanks Steampunk, that does make a lot of sense :(.

Its like anything everyone does have that "Mask" as you put it, I know I do.

Still running through things. The house isnt a problem as I can pay for that I know that, I can pay and maintain it 100% on my own, its just that I built and put effort it to it for "us" and that bit is depressing.

Still weighing up either side.
 
Associate
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Steampunk ever since your post I am really putting thought wether we are just compatible anymore, I have had 8-10months now of just repeating the same old thing..... a few days maybe a week of okness and being happy, but then is that just because I am just putting up with things to avoid IT...... putting my arm around her in bed even though sometimes its not how I want to lay as I am hot etc, but scared not to as I know where it would lead.

Anyway thank you just wanted to say Thanks as I am really putting thought into your message.

Saturday are talking and I think I am just going to have to lay my cards on the table, saying How I want my life to be
 
Associate
Joined
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955
Sure will lol, even if it does work out for you, how could you go on knowing she has already done cheated with her last. You could be next :p
 
Soldato
Joined
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Shropshire
Started seeing a girl from work with a BF....this can only end badly right?

You're a terrible person.

How would you feel if your girlfriend was seeing someone else behind your back? Oh, and she sounds like a classy girl. Enjoy your cocktail of Penis loving infections!
 
Soldato
Joined
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London
You're a terrible person.

How would you feel if your girlfriend was seeing someone else behind your back? Oh, and she sounds like a classy girl. Enjoy your cocktail of Penis loving infections!

I know its bad, but how can I help it? She is the one that has come on to me in all honesty. Tells me her BF treats her like **** and is close to ending the relationship.

Calling me a terrible person is a bit unfair, I haven't "slept" with her yet either.

I agree with this, horrible thing to do to somebody you never met. Also do you want to start seeing a girl like that?

See above
 
Soldato
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South Wales
I know its bad, but how can I help it? She is the one that has come on to me in all honesty. Tells me her BF treats her like **** and is close to ending the relationship.

Calling me a terrible person is a bit unfair, I haven't "slept" with her yet either.



See above

How can you help it? By saying you can't see her while she still has a boyfriend. If you really want to go out with her fine, but at least wait till she has officially ended it.
 
Soldato
Joined
14 Jun 2009
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How can you help it? By saying you can't see her while she still has a boyfriend. If you really want to go out with her fine, but at least wait till she has officially ended it.

This, just needed to make sure it appeared more than once.
Nothing sucks more for anyone than being told your partner is now banging some other dude, had it with my ex while we were living together (but had broken up) and raged so hard when I found out she had been doinking him in the bed I moved into the house.
 
Soldato
Joined
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9,315
I know its bad, but how can I help it? She is the one that has come on to me in all honesty. Tells me her BF treats her like **** and is close to ending the relationship.

Calling me a terrible person is a bit unfair, I haven't "slept" with her yet either.

See above

Ultimately it is up to her to finish the relationship - she is the one with the commitment to someone else.

In the real world though, you might find yourself being nothing more than an easy-out/rebound guy, or worse, in the centre of a ****storm when the not-yet-ex-BF finds out you're schtupping the GF he still considers to be with him.
 
Soldato
Joined
31 Oct 2004
Posts
8,649
Location
London
I know its bad, but how can I help it? She is the one that has come on to me in all honesty. Tells me her BF treats her like **** and is close to ending the relationship.

Calling me a terrible person is a bit unfair, I haven't "slept" with her yet either.



See above

Unless you're planning on something casual, why bother?

If she's the type of person to cheat on her boyfriend, do you really want to have the potential of a relationship with someone like that?

No thanks!
 
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