The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[lurkio]

You met a woman and she was great while you were dating and seeing each other a few times a week. You moved in together and got to know her better. Then you found out that the person you though she was is in fact an act she put on (consciously or not) during the early honeymoon period. Now you've got to know her better, you know what she's really like deep down, not just the superficial mask everyone puts on for the rest of the world.

It seems like you are stuck because you remember what she was like to begin with. You want the return of all those feelings and that happiness you had at the beginning. But that's not who she really is. That was the personality she put on to make you happy in the early days. That was the person who got you engaged and nearly down as the owner on half your house. The person who nearly married you.

I think you've got to realise that's not who she is. The person you know now, the one who stresses you out, is who she really is. If you'd known her that way at the beginning, would you have even got past a few dates? You're romanticising her as the woman you put on a pedestal at the beginning of the relationship (which a lot of men do), and you need to decide what you want based on who you now know her to be, not how you want her to be. That fantasy woman isn't inside you're fiancée, it's only in your head.

Thank you sir , you have hit the nail on the head with me and my recent ex

 

[Matutu]

Well I am meeting her Saturday and head still fighting with its self.....

Got a large letter from her today, but really only saying what I have been telling her for MONTHS! and she chose just to ignore and continue, but suddenly 5days apart has made her realise all these things.......

I know she will ask me "Did you miss me" and honestly NO I have not.... She has made the last 8months sad why would I miss that!

 

[churchhawk]

@ Matutu

Going through similar thing regarding the mortgage.

Been with my missus 9 years, joint mortgage ( no kids ) and the relationship has ended, we have grown apart really.

My situation is i put down a big deposit from my own money and she can if she wants take half of everything.

I've just been civil to her and she has agreed that I get my deposit back and anything else is 50/50.

She is not a bad person, no one did anything wrong we just simply grew apart and the love stopped. There is no point trying again as the years will roll on and nothing will change.

I will say though this is the hardest thing ive ever had to deal with in my life!

 

[Matutu]

Thanks Churchhawk. I however am the only one on the mortgage...... so it makes things abit simpler for me etc with regards to that. If only the other part was so easy!

 

[Steampunk]

Thanks Churchhawk. I however am the only one on the mortgage...... so it makes things abit simpler for me etc with regards to that. If only the other part was so easy!

As I said in my last post to you, you have to think about how things are, not how you want them to be, and go from there. You've already tried changing things, and it hasn't worked because I don't think your fiancée is the sort of person who can really change. She is who she is, although it took you living with her to really find out what she's like.

What future do you see with her, knowing how she is? Not what you want her to be, but how she actually is when you live together?

 

[Matutu]

I know steampunk I know .

But always when this happens she says everything like she will change and she knows etc etc and I can't count on a single hand how many times I have said "This is the final time"

 

[Steampunk]

I know steampunk I know .

But always when this happens she says everything like she will change and she knows etc etc and I can't count on a single hand how many times I have said "This is the final time"

Sooner or later, you have to draw a line under the relationship and move on. Otherwise you're just going around in circles, never able to move forwards and rebuild your life, or find someone new to be with.

You're not doing yourself (or your fiancée) any favours by refusing to face reality and move on. She obviously doesn't understand or won't admit to herself how unhappy she's making you. She hasn't been willing or able to change her behaviour to fix things.

 

[Matutu]

Well I think she is going to push for going "back" to dating etc etc...... but I really don't want to go back to that.... I have a house now I want to finish that, thats weekends working up there and still saving cash to pay for it!

Think you are hitting the nail on the head with some things. Mind is just going back and forth all week but even with that people have still been saying I seem more relaxed

 

[Stolly]

guys... i'm at a loss, my ex has found a new partner and it is beginning to have an adverse effect on my daughter (its obviously confusing her), I found out the other day that she has put a picture of my daughter and new guy in my daughters bedroom... now is it just me or is this not odd? my daughter (who is 4 btw) also told me of the "stop sign" mummy puts on her door and when its up she isn't allowed to go into her bedroom...

now i am going to speak to her about this as its confusing my daughter and her behaviors are changing ever so slightly, but my problem is that she isn't all there mentally and this is a normal thing to do with a new guy you have been seeing for a maximum of 4 months at a push...... any advice?

Yes, that's odd. Out of order too. Seems like your ex is over compensating.

The "stop sign" ... is it up during the day ?

Remember though that parenting is a lifetime project, not the work of a month or year. Make sure your time with your girl is positive and full of love, don't denigrate the ex in front of her. Let the ex make the mistakes. The child will be old enough to work it out for herself in due course.

 

[kokuten]

Yes, that's odd. Out of order too. Seems like your ex is over compensating.

The "stop sign" ... is it up during the day ?

Remember though that parenting is a lifetime project, not the work of a month or year. Make sure your time with your girl is positive and full of love, don't denigrate the ex in front of her. Let the ex make the mistakes. The child will be old enough to work it out for herself in due course.

yeah, i never speak ill of my ex around my daughter as I don't agree with any competition between us, its gonna be a long road

 

[Abraxaz1]

I willing to admit that I may be making a mountain out of a mole hill with this but I am utterly confused by this situations.

I will openly admit that I haven't exactly had a lot of relationship experience due to lack of self confidence and enough personal baggage for a multiple around the world tour... So I am completely out of my depth now that I am trying to start a proper relationship and my head is connecting dots that I am just not sure exist...

Basic back story; I meet this girl on a dating website, we kinda hit it off and have been seeing each other for the last month and a half, normally two to three times a week. With four of the dates being spent over my place, either watching films or cooking together. We made out a bit but haven't actually done anything intimate other than kissing and slight fondling.

This sounds great and all but when we message each other, there are massive delays like a couple of hours for quite pertinent questions such as if she still wants to come over but other times she messages straight back. I know full well she is entitled to a personnel life without me and I respect that but its the fact she seems to go hot then cold that is throwing me completely.

To add to the utter confusion she then messages me after a cold session if I am free for another date????


Please tell me that I am over thinking this and I need to calm down, its just I have been played by a girl before who was only interested in my wallet and she played the same games with me.

 

[MisChief]

I would say you're overthinking. Sometimes I take at least an hour to reply to people (when at work) or anything between immediate-30mins when I'm not at work. It depends if I'm busy or not.

You've been seeing her a month and a half... Perhaps you should make a move and stop connecting dots? Sometimes you have to create your own dots....

 

[MikeTheNative]

I would say you're overthinking. Sometimes I take at least an hour to reply to people (when at work) or anything between immediate-30mins when I'm not at work. It depends if I'm busy or not.

You've been seeing her a month and a half... Perhaps you should make a move and stop connecting dots? Sometimes you have to create your own dots....

I agree with this, if she still messages you after a "cold" period she is still obviously interested. I was seeing a girl recently who, if I didn't reply within a few hours, kept asking me if she had did something wrong or that if I didn't want to see her again. It was seriously off putting, please do not do this.

 

[mac1st3]

Agreed, sometimes I leave my phone over the other side of the room, when I go to check it, there's 3/4 missed calls, messages etc from people, or sometimes I just don't have time to reply there and then, don't take it personally, just take things as they come, make a few more moves to progress things and go forward

 

[Steampunk]

Please tell me that I am over thinking this and I need to calm down, its just I have been played by a girl before who was only interested in my wallet and she played the same games with me.

Take a deep breath and calm down. Maybe she doesn't check her phone every 30 seconds? Maybe she leaves her phone in her bag when she has a meal, or is in the bathroom, watching a movie, or whatever. Sending and receiving messages might just not be massively important to her. In her mind, it gets done when it gets done - in two minutes or two hours, it doesn't matter.

I will tell you this - being jealous and clingy, demanding to know where she is and what she is doing and why hasn't she responded to your message of two minutes ago, getting all stressed out - is the quickest way of driving someone away from you. Worry about losing someone and displaying such distrust becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. You try to hold on to someone so tightly, you end up squeezing them through your fingers.

Just chill out, relax, and don't stress. You're better off doing the same thing, just sending a message and not caring about it or when the reply comes. Stop winding yourself up into a frenzy about it.

 

[Stolly]

Meh i sometimes take hours to reply, rather than rush one out its sometimes nice to leave it for a quiet moment.

 

[The__Malteser]

Take a deep breath and calm down. Maybe she doesn't check her phone every 30 seconds? Maybe she leaves her phone in her bag when she has a meal, or is in the bathroom, watching a movie, or whatever. Sending and receiving messages might just not be massively important to her. In her mind, it gets done when it gets done - in two minutes or two hours, it doesn't matter.

I will tell you this - being jealous and clingy, demanding to know where she is and what she is doing and why hasn't she responded to your message of two minutes ago, getting all stressed out - is the quickest way of driving someone away from you. Worry about losing someone and displaying such distrust becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. You try to hold on to someone so tightly, you end up squeezing them through your fingers.

Just chill out, relax, and don't stress. You're better off doing the same thing, just sending a message and not caring about it or when the reply comes. Stop winding yourself up into a frenzy about it.

I agree with all the above posts, but I feel that this one explained it best.

Don't over think. She sounds in to you

 

[teaboy5]

I willing to admit that I may be making a mountain out of a mole hill with this but I am utterly confused by this situations.

I will openly admit that I haven't exactly had a lot of relationship experience due to lack of self confidence and enough personal baggage for a multiple around the world tour... So I am completely out of my depth now that I am trying to start a proper relationship and my head is connecting dots that I am just not sure exist...

Basic back story; I meet this girl on a dating website, we kinda hit it off and have been seeing each other for the last month and a half, normally two to three times a week. With four of the dates being spent over my place, either watching films or cooking together. We made out a bit but haven't actually done anything intimate other than kissing and slight fondling.

This sounds great and all but when we message each other, there are massive delays like a couple of hours for quite pertinent questions such as if she still wants to come over but other times she messages straight back. I know full well she is entitled to a personnel life without me and I respect that but its the fact she seems to go hot then cold that is throwing me completely.

To add to the utter confusion she then messages me after a cold session if I am free for another date????


Please tell me that I am over thinking this and I need to calm down, its just I have been played by a girl before who was only interested in my wallet and she played the same games with me.

I wouldn't panic about the time taking to reply to a message. I can sometimes read a message at work and then say finish what I was working on and have completely forgot to reply to a message until later on.

 

[Camalot]

I wouldn't panic about the time taking to reply to a message. I can sometimes read a message at work and then say finish what I was working on and have completely forgot to reply to a message until later on.

Same here I often read a mgs from my gf and be too busy and think I'll reply in a bit, forget and reply 4hrs later, she thinks I should reply instantly.

 

[RoboCod]

A woman that doesn't check her phone every 30 seconds?? MY DREAM WOMAN THAT!!