Am I being unreasonable?

Zatoichi.uK · 15 Aug 2016 at 09:31

tom_nieto said:
This is exactly the reason that I want to spend £20k on a car BEFORE we have children!

Funnily enough, a good friend of mine found out they were expecting and then two weeks later went out and spent 20k on a 135i just like this chap. He's bored with it now and wants an S6 or something.

IvanDobskey · 15 Aug 2016 at 09:33

Marriage is a partnership, you both need to agree on what to spend your money on.

Blowing 20 grand on a car when you have a family to look after is not a good idea.

Why not get something you like for around 5k? A compromise?

I have to say you need to think about your priorities in life and take a bit more responsibility.

Xordium · 15 Aug 2016 at 09:36

Kalexuz said:
Maybe I'm misinformed about the end goal, but it doesn't sound over subscribed to me from what she's said? She's already a qualified social worker on £32k salary but on pro-rata due to being part time. I've always been of the understanding that in order to do the course she's on, Psychoanalytic Observational Studies, you need to have worked professionally with children before. Once this achievement is attained, you can then apply to do the next stage, Clinical Training in Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy which to my understanding is where the doctorate is achieved? However, if any or all that fails, she's still qualified as a social worker.

Thanks everyone, I've taken on board the comments.

Ok you really need to be realistic then because that niche is the most subscribed niche of the whole career pathway route. Unless her stars really align the chances are she won't get a post in that field for upwards of 5 years if at all.

Good luck to her but it's kind of like being a professional footballer - very few actually make it irrespective of talent and dedication.

XeNoN89 · 15 Aug 2016 at 10:09

Going to be blunt here: OP you are coming across as a bit of a selfish arse and i think you should probably start saving the extra cash for child support payments unless you have a serious change of mind set here.

antran · 15 Aug 2016 at 10:23

Grow up and be a man, your family come first not a £20k BMW series which you don't need. I had a civic type r and integra type r but now I'm comfortably driving a 07 golf 1.9 tdi with 3 kids

Jamesyboyjim · 15 Aug 2016 at 10:24

No I don't think the car is a good idea but I cant believe your wife is willing to leave you over it. By all means be furious but if my missus threatened to leave me over a car I could actually afford while still contributing my half of all bills etc but don't really need I'd point out that money must be more important to her than our relationship and not to let the door hit her on the way out.

Your relationship should be stronger than any silly decision like that! On the flipside if my missus was furious with such a decision I'd back down, but threatening to leave you just screams of fragile relationship.

banja · 15 Aug 2016 at 10:36

Sounds like an awful lot of hassle just to become someone who forgets how to use indicators.

StoutMeister · 15 Aug 2016 at 10:40

Vrmm, Vrmm, Vrmm!

Hambut_Bulge · 15 Aug 2016 at 10:42

banja said:
Sounds like an awful lot of hassle just to become someone who forgets how to use indicators.

You mean they actually come with indicators?! :eek:

francky · 15 Aug 2016 at 11:01

regulus said:
Unfortunately with a wife and kid in the picture, things aren’t as cut and dry. And talking divorce over a trivial object such as a rep piece of tin, well that does sound a bit strange. However, people are interested different things. And it’s matters like this that would make me a terrible husband as I hate the constant compromising and at-time clusterphobic co-dependence of relationships. Some guys seem to thrive on that. They can’t seem to function without ‘the missus giving them permission’ or ‘having to check with The Boss’ first, that type of thing makes my skin crawl. Most guys on here are like that so don't expect much understanding beyond their own conditioning. They're only reacting how their fathers reacted to their mothers and how they react to their own wives. It's trained/born behavior

I’ve recently met a guy in his first week of retirement, who wasn’t ‘allowed’ to spend his first weekend as a retiree playing golf as ‘The Boss’ wasn’t having a bar of it. Not even closer to death than birth is this guy ‘allowed’ to do what he wants. Anyway, my off topic views of the world aside

You’re in this thing now, for better or worse. And despite my mini rant above, with a kid involved you’ve got to compromise. While your figures show an average income where you could probably afford to buy a 20k bit of tin (totally not a car guy), this don’t purely sound like a numbers-only issue to me.

I’d say you let it go. You’re still young. Once you’ve increased your income levels and cleared some debt, revisit the issue.

Well said! While the advice should really be a financial one.....stating that based on your current income it isn't really viable and having liabilities (bar a mortgage) should be avoided.....threads like this always seem to come across with the message of "do as the wife says or she will leave you and take your daughter with her"......I see it a lot on these forums and its an interesting view.

While compromise is certainly something needed in a relationship, letting the Wife ruin all hobbies such as PC gaming or Cars for example because she doesn't like them and having to conform or she will leave you is quite a pathetic place to be IMO and I see that a lot on GD and in general on various forums.

My advise is don't buy a £20k car.....on your salary you cant afford it as a percentage of total income and your financial wellbeing is important when you have a family....but at the same time, don't let your Wife dictate your life and quash hobbies because she ISNT the boss.

Roar87 · 15 Aug 2016 at 11:04

regulus said:
Think I’m with the wider group on this one.

Unfortunately with a wife and kid in the picture, things aren’t as cut and dry. And talking divorce over a trivial object such as a rep piece of tin, well that does sound a bit strange. However, people are interested different things. And it’s matters like this that would make me a terrible husband as I hate the constant compromising and at-time clusterphobic co-dependence of relationships. Some guys seem to thrive on that. They can’t seem to function without ‘the missus giving them permission’ or ‘having to check with The Boss’ first, that type of thing makes my skin crawl. Most guys on here are like that so don't expect much understanding beyond their own conditioning. They're only reacting how their fathers reacted to their mothers and how they react to their own wives. It's trained/born behavior

I’ve recently met a guy in his first week of retirement, who wasn’t ‘allowed’ to spend his first weekend as a retiree playing golf as ‘The Boss’ wasn’t having a bar of it. Not even closer to death than birth is this guy ‘allowed’ to do what he wants. Anyway, my off topic views of the world aside

I'm glad I'm not the only one on here who's skin crawls when men act like that. I see those threads on guys having "man caves" and I cringe a bit. If you pay half the bills, why do you need to shut you and your posessions away in a shed or a back room?

tlrBeta · 15 Aug 2016 at 11:06

Not usually a type of thread I reply to.

All I can say is that, a lot of that OP was - "I earn". Me and my wife have always shared money, even if I earn considerably more then her. Each to their own but, all of our money comes out of a joint account for our son, property, bills etc.

Any car decisions are discussed and agreed upon, we recently brought a used B-Max for the wife. We could have gone with a nice 15K+ Tiguan (wife's fav.) etc, but why?

If you can afford it, yes...maybe it would work. Though, personally, I'd weigh up everything else and for that amount of money on your current take home, it is a big commitment.

pooley · 15 Aug 2016 at 11:10

Roar87 said:
I'm glad I'm not the only one on here who's skin crawls when men act like that. I see those threads on guys having "man caves" and I cringe a bit. If you pay half the bills, why do you need to shut you and yourself away in a shed or a back room?

alpha>beta

FirebarUK · 15 Aug 2016 at 11:12

Halfmad said:
You're married, you both have to want it. IMHO that's too big a step up from what you have financially each month, I'd agree with your wife on this one. Get something in the middle ground with rear doors, I totally get it being a pain having a 3 door with kids, especially younger ones.

The fact you're looking at it as "well I put in, she puts in" is bad, you are a team and financial commitments will affect both of you regardless of who's paying, or doesn't. You should be totalling your income for both of you and outgoings, not splitting it like this, that makes no sense for a married couple with a child.

"I sacrifice £2,916 (I get £243 a month of vouchers) each year into childcare vouchers for our daughter to go a childminder", no you don't, that actually saves you money and frees up you AND your wife during that time to work or do other duties.

This.

Dunks · 15 Aug 2016 at 11:12

YABU, LTB.

[TW]Fox · 15 Aug 2016 at 11:25

FirebarUK said:
This.

Not that at all, he meant he uses a salary sacrifice scheme to get tax free childcare vouchers. Not that he considers it a sacrifice to have to pay for childcare :rolleyes:

CREATIVE!11 · 15 Aug 2016 at 11:28

I mean... i'm not a car enthusiast so I don't share the same sentiment.

Cars are just a complete money sink and at the end of the day it's supposed to get you from A to B.

IF you can afford said cars without loans, fair enough. But I wouldn't get into debt for a car.

muon · 15 Aug 2016 at 11:36

[TW]Fox;29902667 said:
Not that at all, he meant he uses a salary sacrifice scheme to get tax free childcare vouchers. Not that he considers it a sacrifice to have to pay for childcare

From the sound of things a lot of people aren't even close to qualified to assess the financial situation. Who doesn't know what salary sacrifice is?

The OP is saving £150 a month already in shares, pays the bills, contributes towards childcare, probably has a private pension. Wife has income to spare as well, her education is being paid for, income comfortably covers housing costs. The family goes on holidays.

Then everyone comes in and says what remains needs to saved for the future! Whilst ultimately the decision needs to be a joint one, it doesn't make the wife automatically correct.

muon · 15 Aug 2016 at 11:38

CREATIVE!11 said:
I mean... i'm not a car enthusiast so I don't share the same sentiment.

Cars are just a complete money sink and at the end of the day it's supposed to get you from A to B.

IF you can afford said cars without loans, fair enough. But I wouldn't get into debt for a car.

Lots of people can afford a £20k car without a loan. However, it would mean waiting x years. So why wait, just borrow in the first place if your cashflow is sufficient, of which the cost is interest (currently at record lows).

Richdog · 15 Aug 2016 at 11:43

Efour said:
You should have waited until you grew up to get married and start a family.

This.

The simple summary of this situation is that the OP has a hobby that he can't afford without financial assistance, and thinks saving a couple of hundred quid is "enough" after paying out over 30% of his net salary after expenses on said hobby. Not only that, but he is creating a financial liability to his wife for a hobby that only he is interested in. If it were a family car they could both share and enjoy to some extent then who knows, maybe it would be different.

I think he needs to be asking himself which is more important, his hobby or his wife. Then he needs to be asking how much he will get to enjoy any hobby once his wife gets sick of it and leaves him, taking as much of his assets as she can on the way out.

I find it amazing how some people seem determined to drive themselves into a rut.