The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[TheMeekon]

Are you going on dates and then comparing them to your ex? Early on I always put my ex on a pedestal and it really did not help with moving on. Instead of thinking about how much I missed her or how nice she was (she's stunning tbf, so it was always difficult) I tried not to think about it and started thinking more of myself and what I have to offer to women and what my ex was missing out on. I soon got over it because I was concentrating on my life rather than thinking of her all the time.

It is difficult, but there isn't much you can do apart from wait, but in the meantime try and stay positive and think of it as an opportunity to try new things in life and turn yourself into a better person, be it new hobbies, getting fit, doing things you've not tried etc.

I can't seem to not compare them, it's not even looks but more her personality and how she was, I never really fancied her but we had an intense sex life. So yep it's probably way to early to go dating again as it's been a properly messed up situation as it went on for 3 1/2 years. I finished it and still feel like this!

I've committed to the gym and some other stuff, really trying to change. Most importantly spending more time with my son. I'll try focus on myself more and improving instead of wondering about her and regrets of it not working out.

6 months? The turning around or crossing the street is like something I would have done!

Maybe you are trying too hard to find someone else. I think the best thing would be to have a break from dating and give yourself time to get over this woman. You obviously have no problem finding someone else. I don't think I've been on 30 dates in my whole life!!

6 weeks, we was still seeing each other regularly since Jan. I just couldn't bare speaking as I'd end up asking how she was and how her new relationship was. I've been trying way to hard and it's become a chore! I think you're right about getting over it first so I've deleted all my online stuff. Honestly I think it might be more than 30 but it's become painful as I've only fancied/liked maybe 3. My type is probably quite niche.

I think because I get such intense worry and anxiety I'm not going to be the one to recover from this or move on (special *********) I read/saw 413x go through this on here and come out okay so it gives me hope.

I do see now since my ex got back in contact 3 years ago then we stayed super close while sleeping together and living in each others pockets I became very depressed. That now feels different and instead an actual emotion of sadness which is good I guess.

Cheers

 

[413x]

Yeah my account on here is pretty honest of what I felt etc. Not gonna lie it has probably affected me permanently.

1-i KNOW relationships, as secure as you think they are, can end - it was my first
2- its easier to stay in something broken than get out
3- you must always keep friends, family, finances in mind. Don't be completely dependent on any relationship

I was 100% over my ex in 5 months.
But I know it hasn't helped my anxiety (which has always been there), this is the hardest part in my new relationship. Particularly the hints of a partner seeming distant.

If this one ends I won't feel as bad as my mind is semi accepting of 'endings', but it would be even harder not to go 'single is better' and just get a dog

Anxiety sucks. It makes you see things that aren't there.. Worse.. It can be self sabotaging if you pursue resolution of such anxieties... Ie...is everything OK?

I also am aware I don't want kids and that really limits the pool of people. As well as my geeky interests of lego, nature, camping, water sports, gym

I know the type of girl I want, and that makes me appear very very fussy.

What I won't do is sacrifice 'me' for someone else. Even if that means single.

Really have admiration for you guys who have kids.. Where you have to interact with your ex regularly. Another reason I don't want kids.

And, this place is great as a vent/advice/other people have been there.. Kind of thing

 

[TheMeekon]

Yeah my account on here is pretty honest of what I felt etc. Not gonna lie it has probably affected me permanently.

1-i KNOW relationships, as secure as you think they are, can end - it was my first
2- its easier to stay in something broken than get out
3- you must always keep friends, family, finances in mind. Don't be completely dependent on any relationship

I was 100% over my ex in 5 months.
But I know it hasn't helped my anxiety (which has always been there), this is the hardest part in my new relationship. Particularly the hints of a partner seeming distant.

If this one ends I won't feel as bad as my mind is semi accepting of 'endings', but it would be even harder not to go 'single is better' and just get a dog

Anxiety sucks. It makes you see things that aren't there.. Worse.. It can be self sabotaging if you pursue resolution of such anxieties... Ie...is everything OK?

I also am aware I don't want kids and that really limits the pool of people. As well as my geeky interests of lego, nature, camping, water sports, gym

I know the type of girl I want, and that makes me appear very very fussy.

What I won't do is sacrifice 'me' for someone else. Even if that means single.

Really have admiration for you guys who have kids.. Where you have to interact with your ex regularly. Another reason I don't want kids.

And, this place is great as a vent/advice/other people have been there.. Kind of thing

I think every relationship effects you permanently to be honest, it breaks you and grows you. Well I hope!

I think it will help my anxiety, I've been depending on my ex to soothe my anxiety and quick fixes. In the long run I don't think that has been healthy. Depends what you're anxiety is about though I guess.

I'm super aware of those anxious thoughts and chasing to fix things that aren't a problem. I'll need someone super understanding like the ex just gone, I'd probably be a lot worse if I find someone I super like so I'm worried about that. Before meeting the last one I had fully come to terms to never being with someone, wish i could be back in that mindset. It's probably because I was given this opportunity but it didn't seem right, my anxiety jumps on that as throwing something away. I also know the exact type of girl I want so that's probably why appear fussy as well. The one I just let go was what I wanted apart that I wasn't fully attracted to her which I took out on myself and she wants kids. I know I just couldn't handle another one (nevermind 2) emotionally and financially.

I get a long with my son's mother great so no problems there, we split 7 years ago.

Some great advice here which is getting me through.

 

[NewGamer11]

Chin up, lads. Just get through it one day at a time. Dreadful cliché but true.

 

[Daftbrown]

Nvm

 

[ChrisD.]

Is three months too soon to have my GF move in with me? She spends 95% of her at mine anyway and we've stayed in her (rented) flat less than 5 times as it's closer to where we both work and it has been more convenient. I own my house if that makes any difference. I don't have any concerns, my close mates think it's a good idea but I don't really know if there's a suitable time or not or if I should wait for a bit longer?

 

[PermaChanged]

Surely you have some reservations yourself if you're asking that question, what are your reservations?

 

[ChrisD.]

Surely you have some reservations yourself if you're asking that question, what are your reservations?

The only one is that it's only been three months, apart from that I'm more than happy.

 

[krooton]

Is three months too soon to have my GF move in with me? She spends 95% of her at mine anyway and we've stayed in her (rented) flat less than 5 times as it's closer to where we both work and it has been more convenient. I own my house if that makes any difference. I don't have any concerns, my close mates think it's a good idea but I don't really know if there's a suitable time or not or if I should wait for a bit longer?

As someone who has done this 3 times in the past (2 months, 3 months, and 6 months in to relationships), I'd say no, but it does also depend on your age, I did that all in my 20s.

Waited a year and a half before moving in with my soon-to-be-fiance, you need to let the honeymoon period calm a little before making such a big decisions, as it severely affects judgement. "Saving money AND sex on tap? SIGN ME UP!" soon becomes reality, and you could be in for a bumpy landing.

 

[ChrisD.]

I'm 34 and she's 24. The idea is mine and not hers and isn't financially based. I haven't brought it up with her properly, only suggested the idea that we could look into it in a few months.

 

[Behemoth]

As someone who has done this 3 times in the past (2 months, 3 months, and 6 months in to relationships), I'd say no, but it does also depend on your age, I did that all in my 20s.

Waited a year and a half before moving in with my soon-to-be-fiance, you need to let the honeymoon period calm a little before making such a big decisions, as it severely affects judgement. "Saving money AND sex on tap? SIGN ME UP!" soon becomes reality, and you could be in for a bumpy landing.

Or as my Dad would call it marry in haste, repent at leisure. I've done it twice - I'm not doing it again - ever. I really think I need to be with my next partner whenever and whoever that happens to be for at least a year before I consider moving in with them.

 

[leon4112]

I'm 34 and she's 24. The idea is mine and not hers and isn't financially based. I haven't brought it up with her properly, only suggested the idea that we could look into it in a few months.

Im kinda in the same boat im 34 shes 25 been a few months she has a 1 bedroom flat 10 miles away and doesn't drive i have a 3 bedroom house to myself and you do end up thinking about it, but after my last gf who i spent 4 years with and moved into after 4 months you do end up under eachothers feet very quickly without knowing if its gonna work long term or not.

 

[ChrisD.]

Im kinda in the same boat im 34 shes 25 been a few months she has a 1 bedroom flat 10 miles away and doesn't drive i have a 3 bedroom house to myself and you do end up thinking about it, but after my last gf who i spent 4 years with and moved into after 4 months you do end up under eachothers feet very quickly without knowing if its gonna work long term or not.

I've been single for some time and I have really enjoyed her company, much more than I thought I would. I think we've had 8 nights apart since the start of April, 5 of those were this weekend when I went to Budapest. She spent 2 of those nights at a mutual friends house as they went out and the others at mine. She's deep cleaned the house and sorted two of the spare bedrooms out to my surprise.

There's never once been the feeling that I need my own space, because if I do she just does whatever, watching TV etc and I'll jump on the computer or go to the gym/pub with my lodger (when he's about, which is rarely).

I'd love her to move in, but like people have said in here it is quite soon. That said the reason my ex and I broke up was not because we moved in too early.

 

[krooton]

I've been single for some time and I have really enjoyed her company, much more than I thought I would. I think we've had 8 nights apart since the start of April, 5 of those were this weekend when I went to Budapest. She spent 2 of those nights at a mutual friends house as they went out and the others at mine. She's deep cleaned the house and sorted two of the spare bedrooms out to my surprise.

There's never once been the feeling that I need my own space, because if I do she just does whatever, watching TV etc and I'll jump on the computer or go to the gym/pub with my lodger (when he's about, which is rarely).

I'd love her to move in, but like people have said in here it is quite soon. That said the reason my ex and I broke up was not because we moved in too early.

You are still very much in the honeymoon period, especially when with a lady 10 years your junior who is chill.

If you own the property, also be wary of legal rights that can be acquired after she lives there for a certain amount of time if you don't set up some sort of rental agreement.

If you are renting, then no real risk apart from her nicking your stuff, or it putting too much pressure on the relationship.

 

[ChrisD.]

I'd be charging her rent.

 

[Surfer]

I've never wanted kids so I don't think I would regret that. I suppose the only downside is if you have health problems later in life you have nobody looking out for you (which in itself is a selfish reason to have kids). Luckily, no woman will go near me so I don't have to worry about it too much.

I have no regrets about not having kids because i would not want them to have the same issues i have had (genetic predisposition) And also because i've never met a caring enough *stable* woman that i would want to have kids with ....gotta be honest. I've met women who want kids but they were all selfish in their own way or they were barking mad. My best relationship i did all the running for and she rarely did things for me or even remembered my birthday lol. Whereas i am the opposite i would plan exotic holidays etc for their birthday. I think thats where i went wrong i always did too much for the gfs ive had. Ive come to the conclusion that there are no unicorns in my area (that tick all my boxes for long term relationship hah) and im not too bothered by that as its fairly easy to get a casual fling via the usual dating apps.

Obviously i'm saving an absolute fortune

 

[Surfer]

That's so bad I think.
My parents are opposite. Don't have any kids it'll tie you down and it's hell of an expense.

Well at least your parents took an interest. Thats something ehh. In all the years of my life i don't think my dad has said more than 2 sentences to me or took an interest in my life. My mum was similar when she was alive (although later in life near the end my mum took an interest and was more caring)...they were quite distant unfortunately...i think its just the way they were brought up. I think this is one of the reasons i'm put off wanting kids. I would never want them (son/daughter) to think that of me or make them feel like that.

 

[PermaChanged]

The only one is that it's only been three months, apart from that I'm more than happy.

As it's GD - pics will help us help you decide.

On a more serious note 3 months is nothing, I'd be wary at the moment.

 

[malachi]

I wouldn't do it, not after 3 months. That's still honeymoon period.

That's the problem in today's world, if you have your own place and they don't. Then they want to move in with you after 5mins. Same if you drive and they don't. You basically become their taxi because you are now in a relationship.

Sorry, not for me. After 2 years then yes. 3 months.... hell no, still relationship probationary period.

 

[413x]

Well at least your parents took an interest. Thats something ehh. In all the years of my life i don't think my dad has said more than 2 sentences to me or took an interest in my life. My mum was similar when she was alive (although later in life near the end my mum took an interest and was more caring)...they were quite distant unfortunately...i think its just the way they were brought up. I think this is one of the reasons i'm put off wanting kids. I would never want them (son/daughter) to think that of me or make them feel like that.

That's sad hearing that, and it's not rare story either

Yeah I'm very lucky to have an amazing family. When I went through hard time with my ex dunno what u would have done without my sisters, mum and step dad.
But yeah we are all realistic, I was an accident (lol, my birthday is 9 months after new years eve near enough!) but we have never had a family argument etc. So yeah my mum is amazing, I guess she's just honest knowing the sacrifices she's made etc. Although I know she wouldn't change it etc.

I know myself well and just know I wouldn't make a good parent. Much less selfish to know that and not have kids than have them and be a bad parent knowing it! For example wouldn't be able to go to Italy and see all the stuff we are now off had kids