The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Soldato
Joined
12 Jun 2008
Posts
3,011

If this was me in this situation, I would firstly be wondering where these thoughts have been coming from, and if they have been an issue for quite some time then why hasn't she come forward to talk about just how serious it is and that it could ultimately lead to a breakup? To come forward like that with what sounds like no room for discussion is a slap in the face for the relationship you have built together over the past 10 years. Is there a possibility she has been talking to someone else about these issues other than yourself? Sorry to ask this, but to come to such a big conclusion requires a discussion with somebody, and if she hasn't spoken to you about it then there must be someone adding fuel to the fire.

"She claims I am just being desperate and don't want to be alone, and I will say and do anything to stop this from turning into a full split" - This must be so frustrating. Someone fights for a 10 year relationship and it's simply dismissed as not wanting to be alone? Of course you want to fight for it, but if she isn't willing to have a constructive conversation about the future of the relationship then I would commit to the decision she has made. Surround yourself with friends and family, book a holiday, get your head straight and get a plan together for the future. I would advise against letting her think she has a safety net and can have you back if she changes her mind.
 
Soldato
Joined
31 Oct 2004
Posts
8,649
Location
London
If her decision is final, which it seems it is, I'd make plans for the future which involve moving out and reducing/cutting all contact for the foreseeable future.

Just wait until she starts bringing dudes back, you wont think sharing the same house will be such a good idea then!
 
Soldato
Joined
21 Oct 2002
Posts
2,787
Location
Sunderland
Sometimes people won't talk about an issue so something that may have been an issue stewing for a while for her, has only just come to light for you; how are you supposed to do anything about it ? It sucks but that's how some people are.

It seems very final after 10 years though that she won't discuss it, kinda like" thanks for the 10 years now its over cya around".

I'm jaded so I would say she may have her eyes on someone at work or something "grass is greener" type deal, its funny how a lot of people seem to have new partners very quickly after saying just want to be friends.

Looks like you may have dodged a bullet with getting married though, just keep your chin up surround yourself with positive people and keep busy with hobbies/gym etc. Don't leave her an opening to come back as people have done that then it all falls to bits a few months later, once someone has checked out of a relationship its over.
 

SPG

SPG

Soldato
Joined
28 Jul 2010
Posts
10,230
Step 1 - Tell her its over and you have met someone else, nothing serious (yet) but you like her company
Step 2 - Let her have the dog (it will only tie you down when you can get away at the weekends in the future)
Step 3 - Sell the house (ensure you do not get walked over, emotionally its over, you can be nice but stand up for yourself.

Step 4- ITS OVER (get drunk, take a holiday with strangers)
 
Man of Honour
Joined
20 Sep 2006
Posts
33,883
Step 1 - Tell her its over and you have met someone else, nothing serious (yet) but you like her company
Step 2 - Let her have the dog (it will only tie you down when you can get away at the weekends in the future)
Step 3 - Sell the house (ensure you do not get walked over, emotionally its over, you can be nice but stand up for yourself.

Step 4- ITS OVER (get drunk, take a holiday with strangers)
Good advise. But only if he is completely sure there is no reconciliation.
 
Caporegime
Joined
13 Jan 2010
Posts
32,495
Location
Llaneirwg
Sounds like the classic is over but I don't want to seem like a ... So I'm offering friendship to help myself accept it.

Id say there is likely someone else.
She already gone through the 'is this new life better?, should I throw away my relationship?, well I regret this?' and basically the accepting is over.
Unfortunately she's had time but it's been dumped on you.

But I'd say 90% it's over and offering friendship is for her not you.
I actually thing spg is right, but I know you will fight for it, and it won't work. Its the lack of care for you in her face that will tell you it's over. Like the last 10 years were now nothing.

You should prepare to move on and accept the violent emotions coming your way. You'll blame yourself, you'll regret past actions, but eventually you'll discover that it didn't work for a reason.

Eventually, you'll see that.. But now just try to keep yourself busy, and try everything and accept any form of help. Anything that works (if it's positive) is worth trying
 
Soldato
Joined
1 Jun 2013
Posts
9,315
Hello Forum

I feel the need to write my current life situation down to try and get your opinions on this, as I am slowly dying inside as I genuinely feel my life is about to hit rock bottom.

I have been in a relationship with my partner now for 10 years. We have the perfect lifestyle - House, Dog, car each, good jobs, good friends. But my misses has dropped the bomb shell that she wants to have a break and be alone, and she wants us to be just friends. When I think what we have been through to get to this position, I am distraught, dejected, humiliated and very angry at myself for being so blind and naive that she was so unhappy.
Last month she told me I can be critical, Mean and controlling. I fully understand where she is coming from, and I have made an effort to be a better person and I like myself for it and would never go back that way. However it is to late for her.

We still live in the same house, but she has left my bed and is sleeping in the spare room. This is the worst part. Waking up in the morning and thinking we are still together, or having a dream where we are OK, then realising this is not the case anymore. Heart wrenching.
Living together makes sense as we tied in a joint mortgage, and it works out much cheaper.

She claims I am just being desperate and don't want to be alone, and I will say and do anything to stop this from turning into a full split. This really inst true, she wont listen to just how strongly I feel for her and how sorry I am.

I need to show her that life with me is going to be everything she dreams off, but at the same time she wants her space so I simply can't do this. I am stuck and I am worried she will grow to accept us being apart.

The problem you have is that she has already checked out. She didn't just decide to do this today. She's thought about it for a long time. She deliberately didn't say anything to you as that might weaken her resolve or delay the inevitable. She's had time to get used to it and get over the relationship ending. You've just found out now, but she's already been planning where her life goes next. She seems like she's coping better than you, because she's had time to prepare herself mentally and emotionally. She didn't say she was unhappy and that the relationship needs some work, she said she's leaving. If she still loved you, she'd want to try and fix things with you. Instead she wants to leave.

What the hell do I do? I cant ever stop fighting for her, I feel we are more than boyfriend and girlfriend, I was going to ask her to marry me next month!

I am lost.

Don't be tempted to ask her to marry you to "fix things" it won't work, the extra pressure will just break the relationship down the line, unless you can fix the issues. All you can do is ask her to reconsider, see if you can work things out and give each other what you need. If it's too late for that, you have to cut ties and move on. She wants to "be friends" because that's easier than telling you she's done. It makes her feel better that she's not the bad guy, deflects you into thinking there may be a chance to get back together and keep you from realising she's dumped you as harshly as she has. You then have to move on and concentrate on yourself, and your future. Split the house, move on with your life and find someone who wants to be with you.
 

SPG

SPG

Soldato
Joined
28 Jul 2010
Posts
10,230
Indeed, its done.

She has come to this decision over time, you got what she has been thinking about for weeks/months in a day..

Now is the time to get the ball and keep hold of it, so start the motions of splitting everything, be a whirlwind with it, get a solicitor for the house sale if you do not have a arrangement, this will take a week or more. (if you can afford maybe buy her out of her share of the house, this may well work out cheaper than moving, if she can buy you out factor in moving costs, but do not remind her of it)

In the meantime, get a spreadsheet up and running and start documenting everything in the house that is shared. (you will be able to sucker her with kitchen stuff) and start putting a name to everything if its fairly amicable you may be able to flip a coin and see who goes to pick first then go down the list.

This now needs to be on your timescale not hers (compromise where needed and do not compromise where not).

Good luck OP, it is no longer your duty to be nice/fair its all about what is best for YOU !
 
Associate
Joined
23 May 2005
Posts
2,156
if she doesn't want you, why bother trying to fix it? you in her eyes will just come off as a **** if you keep talking about fixing things. tell her if she wants out, then she has to move out and you are selling the house. it was her decision to end it and you don't want to be living together. and you do not want to be friends. again, what for? you need to get over her as fast as you can, and that means having no contact.

guaranteed someone will be hitting her doggy in the next month. forget the last 10 years. they mean nothing to her, all that matters is today and getting on with your life - without her.

count your blessings you didn't propose sooner
 
Associate
Joined
29 May 2003
Posts
2,038
Location
Cambridge
There's a lot of parallels between your situation and mine, except mine broke up after a 26-year relationship, instead of 10.

I had two saving graces though: a) my wife never cheated on me until we were separated (admittedly we don't know that your partner has, but it seems likely) and b) there's enough mutual respect between us that we can handle the divorce proceedings amicably, without it getting personal.

Sounds like the classic is over but I don't want to seem like a ... So I'm offering friendship to help myself accept it.
This old chestnut makes me so ******* angry - they break your heart and then are arrogant enough to assume that you'd actually WANT to remain friends with them. I haven't remained friends with any of my previous partners and hand-on-heart, I honestly can't see me remaining friends with my soon-to-be ex-wife once the dust has settled. Why torture yourself/re-open old wounds? Keep your distance and let those wounds heal ...

Its the lack of care for you in her face that will tell you it's over. Like the last 10 years were now nothing.
Indeed, I've been on the receiving end of this and it hits you like a truck - the person in front of you looks like the person you love, talks like them, but it isn't them and what's missing is the sparkle in the eyes when they used to look at you. It's awful and in my case it made it plain things were over, even though it wasn't confirmed in conversation for another week.

You should prepare to move on and accept the violent emotions coming your way. You'll blame yourself, you'll regret past actions, but eventually you'll discover that it didn't work for a reason.

Eventually, you'll see that.. But now just try to keep yourself busy, and try everything and accept any form of help. Anything that works (if it's positive) is worth trying
Utterly correct - my emotions have been on a rollercoaster since last September and it was only in late January this year that my brain finally overruled my heart and put myself first. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to cope with and I wouldn't wish it on anybody - you'll be in one of three states: tearful, angry and odd moments of normality, but then you'll hear a song or be doing something that sparks a memory and it'll set you off again. Keep posting here if it helps - there are some top people in here who have been through the mill personally and mercifully, there are very few trolls.

Find a regular activity - preferably a completely new one that you didn't do with your partner - and this will do wonders for keeping you sane. It's not for everybody, but in my case it was taking up weight-training again - the self-discipline involved in going to the gym regularly and eating better gave me plenty to keep my mind busy. Additionally, the changes in my body shape are doing wonders for my self-confidence, which was pretty rock-bottom for the latter end of last year.

I'm lucky enough to be emerging out the other side whereas you're only just getting started, but trust me, it does get better and eventually you'll even see it as a positive development - I never thought I'd think that way, but that is 100% how I feel. I'm 49 this year and I have a chance to take my life in a whole new direction.
 
Soldato
Joined
8 Jun 2005
Posts
8,401
Location
United Kingdom
I do wonder when reading the last page whether everyone’s exes cheated on them. I’ve been through breakups and not one involved cheating.

Relationships can break down for lots of reasons, we drift apart and start making less of an effort for each other being one of the biggest reasons for splitting up. I’ve made plenty of wrong decisions or said and done things I would prefer to have done differently and over time the more mistakes we both make will inevitably lead to a situation where enough is enough.

I’m not saying people don’t cheat or find someone else, they do but not as often as it’s being said here
 
Soldato
Joined
21 Oct 2002
Posts
2,787
Location
Sunderland
You'd be very surprised at the amount people cheat in relationships now, wasn't there a stat recently that 43% of married people admitted to having had an affair ? Social media is a cheating machine, that coupled with less social stigma around it and I reckon it will happen very often even if you don't find out or find out much later ; it still happened. There's a reason why people jump to these conclusions on these threads as they have seen the same behaviour time and time again.
Its sad but that's the way it is, blue pilled idea of relationships is a complete fairy tale for most people unfortunately.
 
Soldato
Joined
6 Mar 2007
Posts
9,736
Location
Surrey
You'd be very surprised at the amount people cheat in relationships now, wasn't there a stat recently that 43% of married people admitted to having had an affair ? Social media is a cheating machine, that coupled with less social stigma around it and I reckon it will happen very often even if you don't find out or find out much later ; it still happened. There's a reason why people jump to these conclusions on these threads as they have seen the same behaviour time and time again.
Its sad but that's the way it is, blue pilled idea of relationships is a complete fairy tale for most people unfortunately.
Guess i'm old fashioned. I wouldn't ever cheat and would break up with anybody if I found they cheated. No second chances.

I know people who cheat quite often like it's nothing.
 
Associate
Joined
9 May 2009
Posts
1,178
So i think i already know the answer to this but thought id stick it on here to see what the GD thinks

I have recently been talking to a girl who works for a company that we put our work to, it just started as harmless flirting on the phone but then led to social media adds, number swaps and days of messaging day and night, we got on like a house on fire so we decided to meet up. Now she lives quite a way a way so i travelled there and we spent the day together, it was nice and we had a good time but i didnt really know if anything was there, i find her very attractive and as a person ticks all the boxes but still felt a bit like i dunno. I could sense she was thinking the same but still we had a nice time. It comes time for me to leave and she offers me to stay, saves having to drive back late, so i stay. Honestly wasnt expecting anything to happen but as soon as we're in bed she jumps on me, sleep together a few times night and morning and it was pretty good! no issues there i could tell. took me a bit by suprise but all good.

now since then the chat we did have has dried up a bit, we are still talking but it dont feel the same, i mentioned this to her and she has pulled the overthinking card. she has actually said in a previous convo about stuff that when people use the "sorry i didnt reply i was busy" card that its usually a excuse because anyone can make time even if its a couple of secs to say message you in a bit or whatever, she used the busy card and didnt like it when i pulled her up on it. she says she likes me but has doubts over the distance and work.

I am reading the whole thing that she dont really have much intrest in it being anymore than what it was and is just taking a back step now, i have spoken to a couple of people about it, my guy mate agress with me, my girl mate says that its probably nothing and dont stress. We have arranged for me to go there at the weekend and to stay again.

How do you read it? is she genuine with what she says and am i overthinking or is she just after a bit of fun before it dies down?
 
Soldato
Joined
1 Jul 2015
Posts
2,844
Location
UK
It's interesting reading some of the comments on here and how they mirror my situation last year. I've learnt some very important lessons since. Firstly, that when a person ends a relationship, 99.9% of the time they have someone else to go to. Lastly, the person who they go to is usually the same one that helped to expedite the breakup, for the sake of their own agenda. I've been through the whole gamut of emotions, from pure anger to self pitty. Now, I simply don't give a ****. Everything happens for a reason and in my case, that reason was so I could concentrate more on myself, my degree and my family. Breaking up with someone sucks, regardless of the duration of time you were to together. The key is putting a positive spin on it. Oh, and Tinder helps...;)
 
Back
Top Bottom