The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[scritchyrat]

4 months? Who waits 4 months for sex? Maybe she's been waiting for ages and now thinks he's either gay or not very sexually active.

You joke but that sounds exactly like my teen years. Being in bed with a girl but her not making any moves, me laying there doing a damn fine Eiffel Tower impression but not making any moves because she wasn't making any moves. It was the blind leading the blind

Thank God that relationship didn't last long!

 

[BriT]

lol you guys. We had sex few weeks back. Only see her once a week so do it then.

 

[Deleted member 77746]

lol you guys. We had sex few weeks back. Only see her once a week so do it then.

No you didn't you don't know how too. This is the Internet and everyone lies.

 

[ci_newman]

What happens after 18 years? You ditch them?

18 years is the legal age at which you stop being financially responsible for the child.

So whether you are with the mother or not, you have to support 50% of the childs living costs for 18years.

 

[NeoReloaded]

My girlfriend of 3 and a half years walked out on me yesterday. She's Norwegian and has been working there while on summer break from uni as she has done the last 2 summers. I picked her up Sunday evening and instantly knew something wasn't right. She was quiet, distant and said she felt ill so rejected any physical contact. I came home from work yesterday and saw her suitcase was still unpacked in the hall so that was a red flag straight away. I had to coax it out of her and told her to stop being weird and tell me what's going on. She started crying and said she's decided she misses her family too much so is going back to Norway after her last year at uni so it's best to end things now. Within an hour of this all coming out she had 2 mates around and she has taken literally all her stuff including food and cutlery from the cupboards and for some reason my PSVR that she got me for my 30th last year. I've only just bought myself to go through the cupboards and wardrobe etc and she's even gone as far as removing a trinket I had on my necklace with her initial on it and leaving valentine gifts from years past. I'm still in shock from it now and nothing about this makes sense. There has been no indication in any way that this was going to happen, we'd been messaging every day up until she got back and saying how much we miss and love each other the usual soppy stuff when your're away from your partner for a while. and I even had our mortgage approved last week and we were supposed to start house hunting straight away as we are renting right now. She sent me a message last night saying how she still loves me and doesn't regret a single day and wishes me luck and I sent one back looking for answers as to why this has suddenly happened, but no reply. I'm still shaking as I type this as my head is all over I'm so confused I don't know what to do!

Sorry for wall of text.

 

[A2Z]

My girlfriend of 3 and a half years walked out on me yesterday. She's Norwegian and has been working there while on summer break from uni as she has done the last 2 summers. I picked her up Sunday evening and instantly knew something wasn't right. She was quiet, distant and said she felt ill so rejected any physical contact. I came home from work yesterday and saw her suitcase was still unpacked in the hall so that was a red flag straight away. I had to coax it out of her and told her to stop being weird and tell me what's going on. She started crying and said she's decided she misses her family too much so is going back to Norway after her last year at uni so it's best to end things now. Within an hour of this all coming out she had 2 mates around and she has taken literally all her stuff including food and cutlery from the cupboards and for some reason my PSVR that she got me for my 30th last year. I've only just bought myself to go through the cupboards and wardrobe etc and she's even gone as far as removing a trinket I had on my necklace with her initial on it and leaving valentine gifts from years past. I'm still in shock from it now and nothing about this makes sense. There has been no indication in any way that this was going to happen, we'd been messaging every day up until she got back and saying how much we miss and love each other the usual soppy stuff when your're away from your partner for a while. and I even had our mortgage approved last week and we were supposed to start house hunting straight away as we are renting right now. She sent me a message last night saying how she still loves me and doesn't regret a single day and wishes me luck and I sent one back looking for answers as to why this has suddenly happened, but no reply. I'm still shaking as I type this as my head is all over I'm so confused I don't know what to do!

Sorry for wall of text.

Sorry to hear that... very harsh. Seems like she decided her future wasn't here with you, and had to end it before it got even more serious with a house etc.

There's no logical explanation for it, it's just how she feels. Can't force someone to feel a certain way.

It will take some time to get over it, but you will move on one day. For the time being just let all your emotions out. And remember you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

 

[Tek81]

My girlfriend of 3 and a half years walked out on me yesterday. She's Norwegian and has been working there while on summer break from uni as she has done the last 2 summers. I picked her up Sunday evening and instantly knew something wasn't right. She was quiet, distant and said she felt ill so rejected any physical contact. I came home from work yesterday and saw her suitcase was still unpacked in the hall so that was a red flag straight away. I had to coax it out of her and told her to stop being weird and tell me what's going on. She started crying and said she's decided she misses her family too much so is going back to Norway after her last year at uni so it's best to end things now. Within an hour of this all coming out she had 2 mates around and she has taken literally all her stuff including food and cutlery from the cupboards and for some reason my PSVR that she got me for my 30th last year. I've only just bought myself to go through the cupboards and wardrobe etc and she's even gone as far as removing a trinket I had on my necklace with her initial on it and leaving valentine gifts from years past. I'm still in shock from it now and nothing about this makes sense. There has been no indication in any way that this was going to happen, we'd been messaging every day up until she got back and saying how much we miss and love each other the usual soppy stuff when your're away from your partner for a while. and I even had our mortgage approved last week and we were supposed to start house hunting straight away as we are renting right now. She sent me a message last night saying how she still loves me and doesn't regret a single day and wishes me luck and I sent one back looking for answers as to why this has suddenly happened, but no reply. I'm still shaking as I type this as my head is all over I'm so confused I don't know what to do!

Sorry for wall of text.

From experience, usually when it comes out of the blue like that, there is another person either involved or on the peripheries of being so. Regardless though, I empathise.

 

[Steampunk]

My girlfriend of 3 and a half years walked out on me yesterday. She's Norwegian and has been working there while on summer break from uni as she has done the last 2 summers. I picked her up Sunday evening and instantly knew something wasn't right. She was quiet, distant and said she felt ill so rejected any physical contact. I came home from work yesterday and saw her suitcase was still unpacked in the hall so that was a red flag straight away. I had to coax it out of her and told her to stop being weird and tell me what's going on. She started crying and said she's decided she misses her family too much so is going back to Norway after her last year at uni so it's best to end things now. Within an hour of this all coming out she had 2 mates around and she has taken literally all her stuff including food and cutlery from the cupboards and for some reason my PSVR that she got me for my 30th last year. I've only just bought myself to go through the cupboards and wardrobe etc and she's even gone as far as removing a trinket I had on my necklace with her initial on it and leaving valentine gifts from years past. I'm still in shock from it now and nothing about this makes sense. There has been no indication in any way that this was going to happen, we'd been messaging every day up until she got back and saying how much we miss and love each other the usual soppy stuff when your're away from your partner for a while. and I even had our mortgage approved last week and we were supposed to start house hunting straight away as we are renting right now. She sent me a message last night saying how she still loves me and doesn't regret a single day and wishes me luck and I sent one back looking for answers as to why this has suddenly happened, but no reply. I'm still shaking as I type this as my head is all over I'm so confused I don't know what to do!

Sorry for wall of text.

She's obviously been thinking about this for quite some time and keeping it from you so that you don't have any choice in the matter and can't talk her out of it or change her mind. It sounds like she had her exit totally planned and organised once she made her decision without you. She chose her family and home country over you, and she planned her exit to the point of doing it in one day as soon as she got back and with help and a place to go to. At least she's done this before you buy a house together and maybe she knew the financial ties of a mortgage would bind her to you far more than simply getting along for another year or two before she bails out of the relationship and goes back to Norway.

There's really only two things to do. Either talk to her and figure it out together, but she's already decided on her family (or she's met someone else and the family is just and excuse). If she won't change her mind, then it's done. She's already stepped out of the relationship, and never even talked to you about it. You might have been willing to move to Norway with her, but she never gave you the chance to talk about that because she's already decided where she's going, and already decided that you will not have the option to be part of her life back in Norway. It's possible she doesn't want you involved because she's met someone else, and that's why she's suddenly out and not talking to you.

The second thing to do is to accept it and move on. You had your time, it didn't work out, it wasn't your fault. She didn't give you the chance to fix things or make her happy. No one goes home on a two week holiday and then instantly dumps the person they claim to love with no conversation unless there's something more going on. She's left the relationship, all you can do is accept it, sever all ties and contact, move on and find someone who wants to be with you and doesn't treat you badly like this. You can't make someone love you, and she doesn't love you if she's left you like this. Chasing after a woman that has decided to leave you and won't talk to you is a fools game that will just make you unhappy, and won't get you any closure or answers.

 

[Tefal]

I csnt help but think when theyr e taking back old gifts and ps4 stuff its because the new by wants it.

The nicking the charm off your necklace is low though, definitly a female friend came.up with that move lol

 

[ci_newman]

My girlfriend of 3 and a half years walked out on me yesterday. She's Norwegian and has been working there while on summer break from uni as she has done the last 2 summers. I picked her up Sunday evening and instantly knew something wasn't right. She was quiet, distant and said she felt ill so rejected any physical contact. I came home from work yesterday and saw her suitcase was still unpacked in the hall so that was a red flag straight away. I had to coax it out of her and told her to stop being weird and tell me what's going on. She started crying and said she's decided she misses her family too much so is going back to Norway after her last year at uni so it's best to end things now. Within an hour of this all coming out she had 2 mates around and she has taken literally all her stuff including food and cutlery from the cupboards and for some reason my PSVR that she got me for my 30th last year. I've only just bought myself to go through the cupboards and wardrobe etc and she's even gone as far as removing a trinket I had on my necklace with her initial on it and leaving valentine gifts from years past. I'm still in shock from it now and nothing about this makes sense. There has been no indication in any way that this was going to happen, we'd been messaging every day up until she got back and saying how much we miss and love each other the usual soppy stuff when your're away from your partner for a while. and I even had our mortgage approved last week and we were supposed to start house hunting straight away as we are renting right now. She sent me a message last night saying how she still loves me and doesn't regret a single day and wishes me luck and I sent one back looking for answers as to why this has suddenly happened, but no reply. I'm still shaking as I type this as my head is all over I'm so confused I don't know what to do!

Sorry for wall of text.

She met someone else over the summer... end of story really.

 

[Swifty55]

18 years is the legal age at which you stop being financially responsible for the child.

So whether you are with the mother or not, you have to support 50% of the childs living costs for 18years.

Unless they stay in further education then its 20.

 

[Vinny1511]

Hi guys,

I'm an avid forum lurker, I don't post much, but do keep an eye on the forums regularly.

I was looking for some subjective opinions on my relationship with my ex wife, and thought this might be a good place to start !

I was with my wife from the age of 17, I'm 34 now, we were married for 14 years and have a daughter aged 8, we are no longer together and are midway through a divorce, but the circumstances that lead to our relationship demise still trouble me.

In February 2017, I found a text message on her phone to her boss, that stated 'I Miss you so much.x' - This absolutely destroyed me, it was around a week before the anniversary of the death of my mother (That I was still griveing for). This is the only message on her phone to him, all others had been deleted.

I entered into a conversation with her about it, long story short, she told me she had text him 3-4 times over two weeks until I asked for her to give me her phone, she did, reluctantly and just as I was entering her online bill, she confessed to texting him 40-50 times over two weeks, all the text were 'about work' - Yet all had been deleted. She claimed he is a very close friend and that she had confided in him during a difficult professional period of her life, and he was there for her.

For 3 months, I tried to forget what had happened, but couldn't - Our relationship, oddly directly after I found these messages was the best it had been for years - Sex life, emotional attachment everything, but it didn't last long. 3 months later, I moved out of the family home, after she refused relationship counselling, she ''needed to find herself'

In December, she text me to tell me she was in a relationship with this guy, and he had left his wife - She claimed she went out for one drink with him, in December. In Mid January 2018, she removed me from our family holiday booking without telling me, and replaced me with him. Mid February, he bought new mattresses for him and her and one for my daughter.

By March they had all moved into his house, while ours is up for sale and I'm stuck back at my dad's house trying to figure out a future plan for myself.

She uses my daughter as a weapon constantly, she even Informed the police that I '''followed' her, Which was ridiculous, as I was behind her car for 15 seconds...

I'm still hurt, as Ive lost what I considered my family life, my home and access to my beautiful daughter daily, I now see her every other week and every Tuesday evening. I don't miss my ex wife, more the life I had built with her over the years we were together.

I feel like I'm floundering around, with no real direction in life at the moment...

So, my questions are - Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation ? What is everyone's opinion on the subject ?

Thanks in advance !

Vinny.

 

[-westy-]

So your wife left you for another man.

The priority is your daughter. Get a stable home for yourself and her, be amicable yet firm with the divorce and go for 50/50 custody.

Protect yourself and your daughter's best interests - all communication via email or text messages. If she's concerned that you "followed" her, get yourself a dashcam to prove where you were driving. She's trying to make you look bad, and from what I can tell, make out like you're a bad person and father. Prove otherwise.

Also. Get a lawyer. Now.

 

[bainbridge]

So your wife left you for another man.

The priority is your daughter. Get a stable home for yourself and her, be amicable yet firm with the divorce and go for 50/50 custody.

Protect yourself and your daughter's best interests - all communication via email or text messages. If she's concerned that you "followed" her, get yourself a dashcam to prove where you were driving. She's trying to make you look bad, and from what I can tell, make out like you're a bad person and father. Prove otherwise.

Also. Get a lawyer. Now.

All the above sounds like good advice, do this.

Also hang on in there, keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't do anything rash. Things will get better.

 

[LeMson]

Find a new wife

 

[Vinny1511]

Hey guys !

The divorce is underway, I have a lawyer in place and I have been firm with her, but some of her demands have been plainly ridiculous.

In the end, 50/50 custody didn't seem viable on the grounds that I don't have my own place yet - I intend on doing so, as soon as our house sells and I have released the capital, then I'd get 50/50 custody - Or try and get it.

It's just the feeling of sadness that consumes me at times, they took my daughter on holiday on Monday, the holiday that we chose as a family - They didn't rebook, she just changed the names, that burns.

 

[Dirk Diggler]

So, my questions are - Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation ?

It's a right of passage mate, welcome to the world!

Advice: sit and write out a wish list of everything you want to see changed; to see your daughter, to have your own place, your wife not to be banging her boss etc..

Next, sort the list into two columns; things you can change and things you can't. Here's a clue: seeing your daughter goes into things you can change, and the wife banging the boss gets filed under things that you can't.

Focus on all the things that you can actually do something about, then come back here in around a year and tell us all how much better your life is now compared to when you were married... Because it will be.

 

[Mason-]

Hey guys !

The divorce is underway, I have a lawyer in place and I have been firm with her, but some of her demands have been plainly ridiculous.

In the end, 50/50 custody didn't seem viable on the grounds that I don't have my own place yet - I intend on doing so, as soon as our house sells and I have released the capital, then I'd get 50/50 custody - Or try and get it.

It's just the feeling of sadness that consumes me at times, they took my daughter on holiday on Monday, the holiday that we chose as a family - They didn't rebook, she just changed the names, that burns.

She clearly is quite selfish. She’s willing to put her daughter through a divorce all so she can shack up with someone else. Has he got kids too from his previous marriage?

All I can say is, you got to dust yourself up and be the bigger man through all of this. Be calm, don’t rise to her bait. And set a good example to your daughter. Don’t speak badly about her to your daughter etc. Sorry all this has happened

 

[jsmoke]

Clearly monstrous and in heavy denial. How her conscience doesn't consume her I don't know, must have fine tuned it at a young age.

As said above it could get messy if goes to court so unfortunately you should be very careful what you do and say, keep logs and videos etc, no threats.

 

[-westy-]

She clearly is quite selfish. She’s willing to put her daughter through a divorce all so she can shack up with someone else. Has he got kids too from his previous marriage?

All I can say is, you got to dust yourself up and be the bigger man through all of this. Be calm, don’t rise to her bait. And set a good example to your daughter. Don’t speak badly about her to your daughter etc. Sorry all this has happened

This, 100%. She think she's in the right, and feels "empowered" that she's made the choice to move on and not consider your feelings. It's important not to rise to her. As Mason said, be the bigger person, get a roof over your head (anything stopping you from renting in the short term?) and keep being consistent. What have her ridiculous demands been, if you don't mind me asking?

As a side note, regardless of her living situation with another person, unfortunately you'll need to pay child support now, even in the short term until you get 50/50. I'm sure your lawyer has informed you of this, but make sure you do it. It'll show that you have your child's best interests at heart, as well as looking out for your daughter.

Legal stuff aside, if you're feeling overwhelmed and downtrodden, perhaps talk to a counselor about your marriage ending. DO NOT TELL YOUR EX WIFE. A counselor can help you dig through those feelings and come to terms with them. You seem open to the idea of it, as you suggested couples therapy to your ex.