The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Ayahuasca]

Hypergamy 101

As someone said above all you can do is focus on things you can change, don’t mope around giving her even more reasons to solidify her choice in finding someone else. You can quite easily come out the other side of this with a better life ahead of you, you’ll have more time on your side now to make the changes required for a start.

 

[Maccy]

@Vinny1511 I've merged your thread into the main relationship thread for you mate.

 

[MookJong]

If you want my honest opinion you were probably too young at 17 to be committed to that relationship forever. Sadly it looks like your wife was not strong enough to talk to you like an adult and instead decided to see if the grass is greener. A fling compared to everyday life of a 14 year marriage is always going to skew your perspective for someone who is chasing a short term fix. Don't beat yourself up over her weakness, it sounds like you are actually following their every move, you need to stop obsessing over it and just concentrate on your daughter and yourself.

Good news is you are only 34! Additionally you have been in a long and committed relationship, this is a huge advantage and naturally makes you more worldly wise and attractive. I knew people at 34 who were still man children with barely any understanding of what a long term relationship entails.

If your ex is using the child as a weapon then you are absolutely best away from her and that relationship, it is far better to take the hit now when you can recover from it than in 5 or 10 years time.

 

[Vinny1511]

Thank you all for the advice, this is exactly the kind of advice I was hoping to get - I guess, in these situations much of the time, you doubt yourself.

It's difficult to gauge real word perspective from friends as they are biased, but getting advice here from different people helps, so thank you all.

In regards to her being ridiculous, the most prominent example I can give is her consistent refusal to tell me where my child is residing - My lawyer has asked her 3 times, in the interest of safety for her to disclose my daughter's address and she refuses every single time - So for the last 6 months, I don't know where my daughter lives and I refuse to drag her into the dispute so flstley refuse to ask her anything about where she lives, although I suspect she has been told she cant tell.me anyway.

I have parental responsibility of my daughter's and legally my wife could not remove her from the jurisdiction without my consent, via my solicitor I told her I was considering her request to take her on holiday (Only because I have never been shown the decency to meet this guy, so it's a big thing for me), she refunded me the monies paid for the holiday (Eventually) and then wrote to me via her solicitor claiming in accepting the refund I had written off my parental responsibility and she took that as carte blanche to take my daughter on holiday.....

It's hard, when I feel like the one that's been downtrodden, yet she acts as if she is the one in the right here and I am somehow to blame for this mess !

Thanks again.....

 

[TacticalFish]

Sorry to hear about your situation OP, some great advice above..

It's hard, when I feel like the one that's been downtrodden, yet she acts as if she is the one in the right here and I am somehow to blame for this mess !

^^ Sounds to me like she's projecting.

If you don't already, get yourself down the gym and get pumping! I can tell you from experience, this will make you feel a little better quite quickly, and once you start seeing results, even more so.

Focus on all the things that you can actually do something about, then come back here in around a year and tell us all how much better your life is now compared to when you were married... Because it will be.

^^ Essentially this!

 

[Adnams Drinker]

In regards to her being ridiculous, the most prominent example I can give is her consistent refusal to tell me where my child is residing - My lawyer has asked her 3 times, in the interest of safety for her to disclose my daughter's address and she refuses every single time - So for the last 6 months, I don't know where my daughter lives and I refuse to drag her into the dispute so flstley refuse to ask her anything about where she lives, although I suspect she has been told she cant tell.me anyway.

I'm not a lawyer, but I would hope your solicitor is keeping a careful note of things like this - on a personal level it's flat-out cruel to you as a father, and in divorce terms, I would have thought it comes under the category of 'unreasonable behaviour' when/if it gets to the finger-pointing stage. Whether that counts for anything given the inherent bias towards mothers in divorce cases remains to be seen. If the requests for your daughter's whereabouts have actually come from your solicitor and your wife chooses to ignore them, I'd have thought she wasn't doing herself any favours.

You have one advantage over me - you're only 34 ... I turned 49 last week! My brother (two years younger than me) just about summed it up the other day when he said "We're so old now that where once upon a time we'd have been chasing the daughter, now we'll be chasing the mother ..."

Focus on all the things that you can actually do something about, then come back here in around a year and tell us all how much better your life is now compared to when you were married... Because it will be.

So, so true. Despite the bad place I was in a year ago this coming Monday, my life now is happier than it has ever been. I'm renting a two-bed flat and there's so much satisfaction to be had from being able to set a place up how you want it, knowing your graft (and yours alone) pays the bills and, aside from the usual restrictions that come from being a tenant, it's "your house, your rules". I have been lucky though - we didn't have kids and my break up has been completely amicable (95% of the time at least) and both parties are now just wanting to make the best of a bad situation. Given that we've been separated for a year, we were talking yesterday about waiting another year and divorcing quickly - neither of us wants to have to spend our share of the proceeds of the house sale paying off solicitors any more than we have to.

If you don't already, get yourself down the gym and get pumping! I can tell you from experience, this will make you feel a little better quite quickly, and once you start seeing results, even more so.

^^ This 1000% - I've done exactly that since around mid-January this year and it does wonders ... physically, mentally, and in my case at least, a huge boost to battered self-esteem. Channel any anger or frustration you feel into your workouts - it's a fantastic release. All my friends and family say that when I started weight training was the point at which I began to return to my old self, albeit my old self in changed circumstances.

Best of luck to you - there's always good advice to be had in this thread from blokes that have been there, so keep posting ... it does wonders sometimes just letting off steam.

 

[413x]

Can also recommend gym

Gives you
-confidence
-routine
-stress relief
-better physical appearance
-better mental state

All positives
It was great for me when all of a sudden almost all my evenings were free.

Also recommended - classes. You can meet a lot Of new people this way as gym only can be a bit lonely.

Good luck. Your ex sounds horrible. Amazing how you can spend that long with someone and they literally turn into an enemy.

 

[Tek81]

It never ceases to amaze me how some women (most in my case), can go from loving and caring to utterly despicable and cruel following a breakup. Even if the reasons for the failure of the relationship were primarily based upon their actions. I sympathize with anyone going through a breakup, especially so when children are involved.

I'm the same age as you, Vinny. And as others have said, you're still young enough to build a new, better life for yourself, despite this. Gym and spa sessions work wonders I find, and help to focus the mind away from the inevitable negative thoughts. Keep strong

 

[Vinny1511]

Cheers guys, I really appreciate the advice.

This is just the advice, and reality check I think I needed.

As I said, sometimes you feel that friends just tell you what you want to hear, so it's nice to hear others forming opinions and giving advice based on thier own experiences.

Never in my wildest dreams did I expect the situation to turn so septic so quickly, I thought we could be amicable for the sake of my daughter, but over the past few months it has become clear, not just to me but others too, that she is trying almost every trick in the book to get me to bite - I suspect, so she feels she has a reason to claim why she has done what she has done. The simple reality is, I have been child foucsed the entire way through this issue (ive even been congratulated by my solicitor for being so).

I am a regular gym goer actually already, and have found it to be somewhere I can release some steam, usually on a treadmill or an upright bike - But I do enjoy it nonetheless.

 

[dod]

Never in my wildest dreams did I expect the situation to turn so septic so quickly,.

Either did I. Despite her saying she wanted everything to be amicable what she really meant was "agree to what I want and don't argue".

Like the others have said, focus on you, moving on and life will get so much better. I'm a good bit older than you but rapidly building a new life with so much more to look forward to

 

[Tek81]

Not sure what to do about this, but suffice to say I'm pretty ****** off. Last year my gf of 8+ years walked out. No reason, no discussions, total advoidance of any questions etc. 18 months prior to the breakup, I was having a tough time in my chosen career. After several lengthy discussions, it was agreed that I'd go back to uni to study medicine; in order to better myself and attain a better quality of life for myself and by default, her. We went over the financial implications of the decision and she agreed that whilst studying, I wouldn't be able to contribute on the same level as I had before (Ie paying for everything), and that she would pay some of the bills. Just to emphasise, this was all discussed at length. It was essentially a mutual decision.

Jumping forward 18 months and she decides to grab all her stuff (and some of mine) and walk out. At this point I was deep into my degree and pretty messed up by the whole thing to be honest. I asked if she wanted to talk; nothing. I tried to be amicable; again, nothing. So, I went no contact. Then, a few weeks back she starts contacting me asking for money. In specific, the money that she used to pay the bills. Since then, I've been getting increasing amounts of messages from her asking for me to give her back the money she spent on bills. As a fulltime student, I'm earning nothing and working flatout to attain a degree. She knows this. Worst still, as I discovered earlier today, the reason she is asking for money now, is because she lost her job and presumably can't afford to take out the guy she was cheating on me with. So, she wants me to pay her so she can go and have fun, while I bust my ass at uni. Livid isn't the word. We had no formal agreement, so I doubt she has any legal recourse, but still..

 

[Steampunk]

Not sure what to do about this, but suffice to say I'm pretty ****** off. Last year my gf of 8+ years walked out. No reason, no discussions, total advoidance of any questions etc. 18 months prior to the breakup, I was having a tough time in my chosen career. After several lengthy discussions, it was agreed that I'd go back to uni to study medicine; in order to better myself and attain a better quality of life for myself and by default, her. We went over the financial implications of the decision and she agreed that whilst studying, I wouldn't be able to contribute on the same level as I had before (Ie paying for everything), and that she would pay some of the bills. Just to emphasise, this was all discussed at length. It was essentially a mutual decision.

Jumping forward 18 months and she decides to grab all her stuff (and some of mine) and walk out. At this point I was deep into my degree and pretty messed up by the whole thing to be honest. I asked if she wanted to talk; nothing. I tried to be amicable; again, nothing. So, I went no contact. Then, a few weeks back she starts contacting me asking for money. In specific, the money that she used to pay the bills. Since then, I've been getting increasing amounts of messages from her asking for me to give her back the money she spent on bills. As a fulltime student, I'm earning nothing and working flatout to attain a degree. She knows this. Worst still, as I discovered earlier today, the reason she is asking for money now, is because she lost her job and presumably can't afford to take out the guy she was cheating on me with. So, she wants me to pay her so she can go and have fun, while I bust my ass at uni. Livid isn't the word. We had no formal agreement, so I doubt she has any legal recourse, but still..

She paid her part of the bills while you were living together, and before that you were paying for everything. She's got no legal or moral recourse to ask for that money back. It was living expenses for the both of you. She's obviously convinced herself that you somehow "owe" her, and that makes it okay to ask you for money. You don't owe her anything, especially after the way she treated you.

Ignore and block her as you're too busy to deal with it. Alternative is to send one message saying you don't want her to contact you any more, and any further contact will be reported to the police as harassment. That might lead to you having to report her and her being told off by the police, and ultimately her being prosecuted for harassment, which might be something you don't want to waste your time on.

 

[Hades]

@tek81 You owe her nothing. Tell her that. Block if she won't stop and move on.

 

[Ayahuasca]

A simple ENTITLED TO NOTHING response and then block her number.

Another silly bint who thinks relationships are solely about what a man can offer her monetarily.

 

[Steeps]

Tell her your agreement was while you were studying she was supposed to be contributing to the bills, as you are still studying she should still be paying them therefore she owes you money.

 

[elh_2009]

this makes my blood boil, send me the number and ill reply for you if you want! you owe her nothing and its totally ridiculous for her to ask for money, liberty. as the rest have said, tell her to do one and block the number

 

[Dup]

She cheated, broke up with you and left. She's done, history and should have no ability to contact you whatsoever.

Do not reply, block, ignore and move on and let that be that. It's just a mental health rabbit hole otherwise.

 

[Tek81]

Just when I think I've blocked her from everything, I end up getting a message via something I forgot about. In this case, a secondary facebook account. I wouldn't be suprised if she starts sending me post next.

She cheated, broke up with you and left. She's done, history and should have no ability to contact you whatsoever.

Do not reply, block, ignore and move on and let that be that. It's just a mental health rabbit hole otherwise.

True. I'm going to dbl check my email accounts etc and make sure she's blocked on all them all.

 

[Tek81]

Tell her your agreement was while you were studying she was supposed to be contributing to the bills, as you are still studying she should still be paying them therefore she owes you money.

Ha, I might save that one for if/when I see her in person We work / live / shop in the same locality, so it's unfortunatly inevitable.

 

[XeNoN89]

Anyone else notice that 'ghosting' is getting more and more common? I'm on about 10 in a row, must be going for some kind of record!