Sounds rough. Please do make an appointment to see your doctor and open up to someone in real life about this. Just a conversation can help!
I’ll never be able to know for sure, but I speculate that most people think about suicide from time to time in the context of “what would the aftermath be”. But, apparently, you are in the danger zone if you start contemplating in detail how it would be carried out (which is something most people don’t think about) so if that is the case, and hopefully it is not, then make sure you speak to someone immediately.
I had a paddy at work yesterday because of stress and it turns out that people were then willing to help and listen. So I’m glad I spoke up.
I speak to my friends about it, and I have a therapist, and I've seen my doctor etc. Lots of people are aware of what thoughts go through my mind and what I'm going through fortunately.
If I did it (which I hope I don't, but my head works differently when im in a really low place) it wouldn't be anything exciting. I'd just take an overdose of prescription pills and then put my head down to sleep. At two points in my life I have got as far as laying all of the pills out in front of me and staring at them in silence with tears streaming down my face.
The other night wasn't one of those times. But I was thinking about if the light fitting mount on the ceiling would support my weight, and imagining what it would feel like to hang. And I asphyxiated myself a couple of times until I went light headed...
Then I snapped out of it and messaged a bunch of people just so I could talk about anything and nothing to take my mind away from those thoughts, which worked.
Pretty dark stuff, sorry guys.