Just to post..

Soldato
Joined
5 Dec 2008
Posts
17,283
Well I just felt needed to post this and Ive been on here many years now and nice community.

Well I've not been in this position potentially dealing with first loss of a direct family member at 31.

My wife and friends have lost family/friends. Heads all over but then I'm also feeling lost and worst hasn't technically happened

Since November 2019 my grandma has been in and out of hospital back to care home etc, on least 5 occasions they have informed us she won't make it, we have done the trips up only for her to battle through. It's mentally draining us all as a family, we love her to pieces but at this stage her quality of life is none existent, everything is done for her.

My grandad does his best to help but he can only do so much hence he is in care home with her (he doesn't need to be) but of course what's to be with his wife

Roll on Saturday get a call from grandad crying his eyes out, saying she is unwell, few hours later she is in hospital again, telling us it's dehydration and she is resting but should be okay.

Roll few more hours, we get another call apparently it's now perforated bowl and were told for what is 6 time she probably will not make it.

I love her to pieces, I just dunno what to say or do at this stage, some what prepare for it mentally to happen, it then doesn't rinse and repeat.

My mum is feeling same as is my uncle.

I know I probably shouldn't say this as If moaning as I'm not the one in hospital in pain, but to some extent I just want it over :(

I don't want my grandma consistently being in pain and just given more and more drugs for what brings her no sense of independence to do anything for herself anymore

She saw a photo on my son last week and didn't have a clue who he was. This isn't how I want to remember my grandma :(
 
Soldato
Joined
5 Mar 2010
Posts
12,305
Don't really have many words to say, but hang in there man. It's perfectly normal what you're feeling. You don't want your loved ones to die, but at the same time you don't want them in pain and would prefer they passed peacefully.

Stay strong.
 
Soldato
Joined
2 May 2011
Posts
11,868
Location
Woking
I know how you feel. Every time you say goodbye is going to be draining. I thought about writing all sorts of stuff about my grandparents but at the end of day, I just agree with you. Why live in suffering when you’re 80+ and don’t have much life left in you. A dignified death is what I’d wish for.

It will be ok
 
Man of Honour
Joined
19 Oct 2002
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29,508
Location
Surrey
Tough times, especially if this is the first close family member you're experiencing it for. I'm sorry for the difficult time.
 
Associate
Joined
27 Nov 2006
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1,329
Location
Coventry
Sounds like you have a close and loving family. Stick with each other and it will eventually be OK. It's going to really hurt for some time, like really hurt, but that's OK. You will get through this, even though it seems insurmountable at the moment. Wish you and all of your family the best.
 

bJN

bJN

Soldato
Joined
23 Nov 2009
Posts
3,697
Location
Norwich
Please don't feel like you're moaning, or selfish, because that's not what you are - you want them out of pain and suffering. Family loss is hard dude, especially if you haven't dealt with it before. Unfortunately I never knew either of my grandfathers, but I've had the misfortune of watching many other members pass away. My nan was certainly the hardest, but similarly to you she had been in and out of hospital and care for a while, as a family we decided to get her out of a care home and just pay the extortionate costs for home care because at least she was in a comfortable environment and not surrounded by, what is literally, old people waiting to die.

Sadly she had been suffering with dementia for over a year by the time she passed, and that degradation in memory was heart-breaking. I made peace with myself that my "Nan" had died the day she broke her hip 18 months prior, but it didn't make the act of her passing any easier. What did help for me was being there to comfort other family members, be the person the keep a level head and dealing with the hospital staff.

As for advice, don't be afraid to grieve, and certainly don't bury it. Everyone deals with loss in their own way, but don't let it sit inside your head and gnaw away at you. You need to have your time to grieve, in whichever form that come as. Be open and honest with your family and pull together, you're all going through it and you need to look out for each other - especially your grandfather. Light will always shine through in the dark times, you'll all remember the good and be laughing with each other over fond memories - try to celebrate them instead of mope in them - easiers said than done I know!

All the best Mark.
 
Soldato
OP
Joined
5 Dec 2008
Posts
17,283
Thanks guys it means allot

I had an update this morning saying she now has sepsis, something she has had before.

Trying to keep busy, even if she survives yet again it's just another battle that means she is even weaker.

Grandad just breaks down each time we speak to him which is to be expected I guess
 
Soldato
Joined
3 Oct 2005
Posts
6,330
Location
England
As others have said, don't feel guilty for wishing your grandma to be free of the pain. I felt the same after my dad passed away, it's awful to see loved ones suffering and there is nothing you can do to help.

Sadly my mum experienced the same with my uncle last year, where he deteriorated then picked up, then got worse again. It went on for a good four months and they couldn't determine what the issue actually was.

All you can do is spend as much time with her as you can (which I'm sure you already are)

I agree with bJN, don't hide your grief. I've been there and it's not healthy.

Hang in there
 
Caporegime
Joined
26 Aug 2003
Posts
37,491
Location
Leafy Cheshire
I became the oldest surviving member of my fathers side of the family by the age of 25, and only my mother is older than me on her side of the family now (I’m 37). Loss doesn’t get any easier regardless of how many times you experience it, nor how “prepared” you believe you are. I’m currently preparing for the worst again as my mother now has secondary cancers after we thought she’d fought off her throat cancer earlier this year.

All you can do is be there for your family and rejoice in the good times.
 
Soldato
Joined
27 Mar 2016
Posts
7,234
Location
Bristolian living in Swindon
I went through this same sort of situation with my Gramps throughout December and he passed away Christmas Eve, it was a tough few months for the family with him battling his illness, Like others have said don't feel guilty, I think it's how everyone thinks when they're going through it... My nan and my dad found it so hard obviously but with all the family around they've managed to come to grips with it and can talk openly about it, the key thing is keeping being there for each other and working through it.
 
Soldato
OP
Joined
5 Dec 2008
Posts
17,283
She has passed this evening, glad her suffering is over but my head is just a mess, I saw her as she went and the image is just stuck in my head
 
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