The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[FloppyPoppy]

Yea going to Turkey to have an op like that is absolutely mental. It probably wasn't even in a hospital.

 

[LuckyBenski]

I do have to ask why she would feel the need to hide it from you - maybe there is a precedent of you being upset and she wanted to avoid it. So in a Dr Phil way I'd ask, is there a reason she didn't tell you.

That said, lots of concerning things - went abroad in a pandemic, didn't tell anyone about the surgery, felt the need to have liposuction at a time when most people don't go outside...!

Also it is pretty selfish to do it so close to moving house if she knew that would be the consequence. Maybe she didn't think it through but if she did, and had the surgery anyway, I would feel very let down and would show it. It would be a bit of a failure of the team effort if my partner noped out of our shared life responsibilities.

 

[413x]

as above.

Forget the country and risks etc.

Id say important bits are
-did you forbid it? You can't stop someone doing what they want to their body
-she felt she couldn't tell you. Is this because you said she couldn't get it done or because she felt you'd stop her?

Just to be clear.. Did you tell her she couldn't get it done?
Or would you have been ok with her telling you 'I really want this for me, I know you don't agree but it's what I want'

The real issue is why she felt she couldn't (and didn't) tell you..


Sorry. Just read you didn't stop her, just not happy.
So yeah the red flag is her being childish about it. Sneaking off like a naughty kid hiding from parents rather than a relationship . And alsoaddressing it at distance.
It's one of those that she hasn't cheated or anything. But it's a breach of trust. Especially to hide from contact

 

[Stolly]

Tbh it’s the moving house bit that would **** me off the most. Just outright selfish.

 

[cadmunkey]

Can you really just turn up there and get lipo done at next to no notice at all? Seems very suspect, do these places do no medical checks at all on people pre-surgery? I think she knew all along, strange for her not to even discuss it with you. Agree that the moving house issue would peeve me the most too, its a stressful time and she's taken a back seat now on purpose.

 

[swillsy]

Can you really just turn up there and get lipo done at next to no notice at all? Seems very suspect, do these places do no medical checks at all on people pre-surgery? I think she knew all along, strange for her not to even discuss it with you. Agree that the moving house issue would peeve me the most too, its a stressful time and she's taken a back seat now on purpose.

Yeah its pretty unlikely you just pop in on a whim! Its that that lie I would be most annoyed about tbh!

 

[Toasty]

As others have said, childish and secretive; not good massive red flag and shows lack of respect/consideration towards you.

Hypothetically would she have even come clean and told you if the after effects were minimal and she thought she could get away with it.

 

[Steampunk]

Just wondering how you guys would handle this, as to me this is a huge violation of trust and it has really upset me to think she has gone behind my back to do this and taken the risk. I'm also massively ****** at her sister who has essentially put her up to this, all she seems to care about is how she looks, not realizing it comes across as fairly grotesque being quite that vain. She's now also very upset, as she has seen how upset I was and didn't want to see me this way.

Anyway, am I overreacting here? How would you guys react to this?

Further, we're supposed to be moving house in a few weeks, she is not going to be able to lift a finger now, so that'll be all on me. Pretty selfish imo?

Breach of trust. She obviously had it planned (no one goes on holiday and then find themselves accidentally booked into a major operation abroad), but decided to keep it quiet so you wouldn't object. Yes, it's her body, but it's a potentially dangerous procedure she went ahead with in a foreign country and decided to cut you out of any discussion. She decided to ask for forgiveness rather than include you.

Express how upset and betrayed you feel, how she's left you in the lurch with the house move, how you could have been totally blindsided if things had gone wrong. There's nothing you can now do but move past it, and make sure she knows this isn't acceptable again in the future. At least she didn't come back with something more dramatic.

 

[Roar87]

If she's willing to go abroad and get a surgery without telling you about it then she doesn't respect you. Why act like an adult by telling her that "it isn't acceptable in the future and you're disappointed in her" when she doesn't give a ****? She's just shown she can't be trusted and doesn't have issues lying to you, so bear that in mind and treat her accordingly in future, but there's zero point in "being upset".

 

[rubberduck]

I know you absolutely will not want to hear this, and I could be wrong, but based on the information you have provided I am 95% sure she either has, or will in the future, cheat on you.

 

[Nitefly]

Hope this is an appropriate thread for this, interested in what you guys would think about this?

My partner was offered a trip to Turkey by her sister for her birthday just recently, I thought lovely, great gift, they're close and so this was a nice opportunity to spend some time together. The elder sister has already been to turkey for a nose job, you can probably see where this is going but stupidly I thought this was just a nice holiday nothing more. My partner has often talked of having liposuction done, she's in no way overweight, but she feels conscious about her legs and arms.

So fast forward a couple of days of them being there, and everything goes quiet, which is strange as we talk most days. I try to get in touch to no avail and so get a bit worried. The next day I hear from them, but am told they're just in the hotel because it's raining. I looked at the weather, it's not...

That evening I get a call, with her telling me not to be mad, she has something to tell me, and out it comes, they had both gone in to have lipo operations done. I was super upset, not so much the fact she had it done, at the end of the day it's her choice, just the fact she knowingly lied to me as to why they went away, they didn't tell anyone about it and so god forbid if anything had gone wrong nobody would have known, thankfully all seems to be ok. She claims it was a last-minute choice to have it done and wasn't planned, but at this point, I'm not sure what to believe. She would have known this was why the sister wanted to go, and purposefully didn't tell me the true reason for the trip at the least.

Just wondering how you guys would handle this, as to me this is a huge violation of trust and it has really upset me to think she has gone behind my back to do this and taken the risk. I'm also massively ****** at her sister who has essentially put her up to this, all she seems to care about is how she looks, not realizing it comes across as fairly grotesque being quite that vain. She's now also very upset, as she has seen how upset I was and didn't want to see me this way.

Anyway, am I overreacting here? How would you guys react to this?

Further, we're supposed to be moving house in a few weeks, she is not going to be able to lift a finger now, so that'll be all on me. Pretty selfish imo?

You’re right to be upset, but since the foul was against you, the next step (forgiveness) is in your court.

If you love her then you need to firmly state your grievance and get it 100% out of your system, then forgive her. It’s the only way.

I am 100% an advocate of explosive arguments and saying mean things, if you feel like it. Get all that **** out. Because if it breaks then it breaks. If it doesn’t.... you’ve got something pretty rock solid to move forward with. Both of you need to be the full iceberg!

 

[Tosno]

Personally I think the lipo is smoke screen, you'll be mad about her being a lying child, going aboard in a pandemic ect when she was also banging a Turkish waiter, she'll feel shes being punished for it with your anger on lipo ect.

P.S. @413x that was just cringe, stop it and never do it again

 

[.Lethal]

If she's willing to go abroad and get a surgery without telling you about it then she doesn't respect you. Why act like an adult by telling her that "it isn't acceptable in the future and you're disappointed in her" when she doesn't give a ****? She's just shown she can't be trusted and doesn't have issues lying to you, so bear that in mind and treat her accordingly in future, but there's zero point in "being upset".

This, whether there's underlying issues behind her not telling you is irrelevant at this point. If you didn't already, moving forward it's likely you'll no longer trust her the same way.

 

[malachi]

I know you absolutely will not want to hear this, and I could be wrong, but based on the information you have provided I am 95% sure she either has, or will in the future, cheat on you.

This.

Its a breach of trust and this sets the grounds for bigger things to happen down the line.

 

[Ayahuasca]

Remember, the reason for the lipo is to attract Chad only.

 

[Thomas. PLease.]

You’re right to be upset, but since the foul was against you, the next step (forgiveness) is in your court.

If you love her then you need to firmly state your grievance and get it 100% out of your system, then forgive her. It’s the only way.

I am 100% an advocate of explosive arguments and saying mean things, if you feel like it. Get all that **** out. Because if it breaks then it breaks. If it doesn’t.... you’ve got something pretty rock solid to move forward with. Both of you need to be the full iceberg!

Just thought I'd update, pretty much the above is how it went. In fairness to her, it's something I knew she wanted for a long time. I let her know I didn't like the idea, but it's obviously her choice at the end of the day. It wasn't planned, her sister was going for the procedure, and she'd also tentatively reached out with a view to having it done a few months previous but originally decided not to go ahead with is, but was presented with the choice as she was there to have it done and so being impulsive she did.

To be honest I couldn't forgive her after I first found out, but having had a long argument and chat and talked more I have forgiven her, knowing how upset she was, I know she won't do it again, and if she does, well then we don't have much of a future. For those saying she's going to cheat on me, with all due respect, you don't understand the way she is, and I have full confidence that's not something she would do. Maybe I'm a mug, who knows. The fullness of time will reveal all either way.

I'm still ****** at the irresponsibility of it all mind, I made that abundantly clear, those feelings will subside in time.

 

[Roar87]

It was entirely planned, she flew to Turkey with the intention of going for surgery, something she has wanted for a while, she arranged the trip with her sister knowing you'd be angry but there'd be no real consequences. You're choosing to believe a lie because it makes your life easier, she'll continue to not respect you because there are no consequences to her actions.

 

[secretspy]

It never ceases to amaze me how many blokes instantly imply that a woman will cheat maybe that's how your brains work but that's not necessarily how a woman behaves.

@Thomas. PLease. Can completely understand where you're coming from. It was irresponsible to not tell anyone and a breach of trust by not being open with you about it. It does seem strange that it was apparently a spur of the moment decision, usually these things do have to be planned.
Only you and your gf know what you're relationship is like though and how you can both move on from this. One question for your gf though, will this Lipo now stop her feeling self conscious for good or will she be on a "high" for a while and then start to feel down about her body again later on. It's something she needs to think about and how she can accept and love herself as she is, otherwise she might end up seeking more surgery in the future.

 

[Hades]

Just thought I'd update, pretty much the above is how it went. In fairness to her, it's something I knew she wanted for a long time. I let her know I didn't like the idea, but it's obviously her choice at the end of the day. It wasn't planned, her sister was going for the procedure, and she'd also tentatively reached out with a view to having it done a few months previous but originally decided not to go ahead with is, but was presented with the choice as she was there to have it done and so being impulsive she did.

To be honest I couldn't forgive her after I first found out, but having had a long argument and chat and talked more I have forgiven her, knowing how upset she was, I know she won't do it again, and if she does, well then we don't have much of a future. For those saying she's going to cheat on me, with all due respect, you don't understand the way she is, and I have full confidence that's not something she would do. Maybe I'm a mug, who knows. The fullness of time will reveal all either way.

I'm still ****** at the irresponsibility of it all mind, I made that abundantly clear, those feelings will subside in time.

Something for you to think about is your trust for her in the future. You are moving house with her shortly so the relationship sounds fairly serious and long standing. The next step in that relationship is possibly to have children. Is she someone you could trust to have children with? Keep in mind that once you have children then most of the control in a relationship moves to the mother. Getting out of that relationship is far harder and has far more emotional and financial impact than a house. I'm not trying to persuade you either way. It's your choice whether her lying is a big or small deal to you. But I would suggest you think about whether someone who lies over such things is sufficiently trustworthy to have children with in the future.

 

[Rids]

I'm not going to delve into the cheating thing, but for me this would be a major breach of trust and something I'd have issues with.

She knew your opinion on what she was planning to do, and instead of sitting down and chatting it over with you the solution was to have it done in secret, whether it was planned (likely) or unplanned it doesn't matter. The sensible adult thing to do was discuss this with you beforehand, at the end of the day it her life and her body, if this is something she wanted to have done then she is completely within her rights to do, but doing it in secret is taking the easy way out and trying to avoid a difficult conversation.

Whats that saying? Its easier to ask for forgiveness than permission or something?