Vince's Xmas Storage Give Away! Want a free NVME? Come inside!

Soldato
Joined
21 Jan 2010
Posts
3,517
Two fishermen see a funeral procession going down the road. One takes off his hat and stands up.

His mate says "that's very respectful, dave"

Dave answers "well, we were married for 40 years"
 
Soldato
Joined
18 Jun 2010
Posts
6,566
Location
Essex
There’s a 30 year old son of a farmer. Who is completely and utterly obsessed with tractors. He spends all of his money on old, busted tractors, working tractors and any tractor he can get his hands on. He even has tractor wallpaper, model tractors and a tractor bedspread. His mother, worried that she’ll never get grandkids finally sits him down and says “Son you’re 30 years old now, you have no girlfriend or wife. As your mother I want to see you happy and settled, you need to stop your obsession with tractors and get out there in the world and meet someone”.

His mother had been saying this to him for many years now, and he was getting a bit lonely. And his tractor obsession was not fulfilling him. So he sold all of his tractors, all of his tractor memorabilia. Got a haircut, some new clothes and phoned some friends to go down the local pub.

He entered the pub, he was nervous but he knew he had to meet someone, he was determined. At first it seemed hopeless, although he did notice an attractive woman kept looking at him. After a few pints he worked up the courage to finally approach her. He asked her out for a dinner date and luckily she said yes! They talked and got on all night.

Fast forward and they’re going out for dinner, they sit down at their table. And the room is completely full of smoke, (before the smoking ban) all the tables next to them are full of people smoking away. The girl is coughing constantly, he really doesn’t want this to ruin the date. So he says “don’t worry I’ll sort this”. He leans back, and does this incredible inhale, lasting for 30 seconds he literally sucks all the smoke in the room into his lungs. Amazingly the room is now completely smog free and clear. When he exhales no smoke comes out of his lungs. Everyone is amazed, including his date. Gobsmacked, she asks him “that was amazing how did you do that?”

To which he replies :

I’m an ex-tractor fan
 
Soldato
Joined
5 Feb 2009
Posts
15,910
Location
N. Ireland
what's brown and looks in your window?
a nosey *****
who invented the sheer negligee?
Seymour Diddy
3 women in a shower, which one is the alcoholic?
the one with the Black Bush
what do you call a german coal miner?
Hanz Boggin
 
Soldato
Joined
21 Oct 2002
Posts
2,568
Location
Earth
Bloke goes into the chemist and asks for a pack of condoms.
5, 7, 8 or 12 the woman behind the counter asks?
Um not sure says the bloke.
Well she says
5 is for the germans, Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday have the weekend off
7 is for the Italians , Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
8 is for the French, Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday and twice on Sunday


12 is for the English
January February March April May......
 
Soldato
Joined
19 Feb 2015
Posts
2,993
Location
Gloucester
Dominic goes to the doctor with diarrhea but accidentally walks into a psychotherapist's office instead. The psychotherapist works on him and tells him to come back next week.

When Dominic returns the psychotherapist asks him: "How is the diarrhea? Is it gone?" No, Dominic, replies: "It's actually got worse but with your help I've learned to enjoy it!"
 
Caporegime
Joined
12 Mar 2004
Posts
29,913
Location
England
photo-2020-10-19-02-54-44.jpg
 

RxR

RxR

Soldato
Joined
16 Aug 2019
Posts
3,296
Location
Australia
What are the most important 3 notes when learning to play the piano?

The three G's:

Gravity, geometry and geography.

^^ fact + joke
 
Associate
Joined
3 Mar 2010
Posts
1,893
Location
Hants, UK
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog".
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
"Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says:
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
 
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