The fight we face dealing with mental illness or disability.

Associate
Joined
5 Oct 2007
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620
To help others understand what it is like for someone with Bi-polar type 2, ADHD, PTSD and Higher functioning how it affects you and the challenges a normal day might hold.

Disclaimer, with multiple issues the way they affect me personally may be completely different to someone else who is dealing with this or other problems.
I use technology and gaming to fight this battle every day, this is what a normal not a bad day, not a good day involves for me.

My doctors and consultants in 2019 were just waiting for the call from the Police to say my body had been found, I was on suicide watch but they were helpless to stop me if I took my final decision, they tried so many things.

Now they class me as a miracle and want to write a paper with me on how technology and gaming did what medication and hospital couldn't do. (note I have a number I can ring if I ever feel that I need to go long stay hospital or call in the team) but every day I am still fighting a battle that begins again each morning.

IF you know someone who is depressed or dealing with problems like this remember if they managed to get out of bed and walk down stairs, its enough, and never ever EVER EVER ******* tell them to shake it off and or give them your words of "just do it".

5:22am, I open my eyes and the count down begins, 5-10 seconds is all I have to get out of bed and turn on the audible book I am reading to stop my brain from hitting me with a dark truth that will send me into a bad place, I manage to turn on the audible book, mentally calculating how many more books I have left or do I have enough money to buy another 3 credits to keep the bogeyman away for one more day.

The bogeyman called depression who knows my every weakness my every thought and can twist them into darkness if I let him, who with his allies ADHD can drive me into a subject that I can't stop or turn of that I can't switch from, like watching my wife die or her feet slowly necrotising as flesh fell away, like is my bowel cancer finally coming back, that twinge in my stomach that pain in my lung did it move to my lungs, is my heart finally going to give out or a million more..

I make it to the bathroom but no energy for a shower, water on face and use the toilet, remove the diaper and drop it in the hallway ready to go down stairs and do laundry, listening to the audio book drowning out the thoughts of a 50 year old guy who has to wear diapers to bed because bowel cancer means otherwise I wake up every hour for the bathroom and get no sleep and I REALLY NEED THAT SLEEP! to have the energy to fight another ******* day.

Get out my tablet and play solitair or gems at war while on the toilet so my mind can't jump to a bad subject. ask alexa what day it is because I can't remember, then ask again because I got distracted and forgot repeat 5 times and THEN I FINALLY HAVE THE DAY IN MY HEAD!!!.

New clothes? what is the point, will change clothes tomorrow when I have a shower, if I have the energy or will to make it happen, up and down stairs 4 times as I forget first my drink, then the diaper, then the drink, then my phone, oh and the diaper *laughs*.... old cloth style because I can't afford to buy disposables and the NHS with all its cuts stopped providing adult diapers in 2015 as a policy change even for those on the highest level of disability.

Let the dogs out and feed them, note it down on a piece of paper so I don't end up feeding them more than once in the morning, prepare food, fight the urge to buy a take out which would be sooo ******* easy but I have no money. so I fight it and cook some potatoes and veg plus sausages. a small win but a win

Exhausted but alive, remember to take my medication for BP, it is only 8am but so tired, sleep would be bad because sleep would mean I had to stay up to 3am instead of 2am to be able to fall asleep instantly and if I don't then no sleep for me no no no just a night of pain and suffering which may just may mean tomorrow not enough energy to fight.

A message from Valve... I can't open it because well when I contacted my friend in valve I asked him if he knew anyone high up in valve who would support my channel and help me fund what I do, I sat and looked at that email for 2 ******* hours just sat in my chair doing nothing looking at the email unable to open in and my mind swirling around with thoughts like he probably going to say don't contact me again, probably trash my details and never talk again you had to ask for help didn't you, now he will think you are trying to scam him or use him to contact those higher in valve, he hates you, why would anyone at that company try to help you or want to help a snivelling piece of ***** like you end it now end it ******* now because no one will EVER HELP YOU and your channel will die in obscurity and the only people who watch it is those that pitty your existance to do there one good deed for the day and you couldn't even save your wifes life!..

With teeth grinding and hands in balled up fists fingers driven into my palms I take a breath and look at the Valve index that Valve sent me as a gift when they heard my story, I look across at the letter they sent signed by everyone in the VR project department and I finally open the email he asks me how I am says he is trying to think of anyone in valve to talk to, they don't sponsor anyone really but he will ask around.

Another battle barely won.

If you have a friend who is depressed or dealing with disability and asks you for help realise that is probably the hardest thing he or she will ever do so before you joke it off or say you are busy, just imagine what that response might do to that person and how one day when they are close to the edge, they may not ask for help because who would want to help someone like them.

I get a drink hands still shaking, sit down at my PC, turn on my camera and record the morning vlog "Hello and welcome to the Quebber channel, I am Jason your host" today I want to talk about depression. then I eat the meal that is ready.

The next 9 hours spent streaming interspersed with audible books allow me to have a "good" day, spend time with my friends in stream, make some people smile, inspire someone to ring his mum.

VR to settle myself before bed, different games all on stream because I can't game alone.

Other events happen during the day but the examples above should show what an "okay" day is.

Tomorrow it starts again.
 
Soldato
Joined
20 Oct 2010
Posts
4,168
My word that is a hard read, I remember your thread on your wife's illness and eventual passing and that was a real heart strings puller.

As said by Dalandius above every win no matter insignificant you think it may be is a win so stay strong mate and take every day 1 step at a time
 
Soldato
Joined
17 Jun 2012
Posts
11,259
In the old days they would have said, "man up" or "pull yourself together". I always said drugs are the last thing people should be taking but there you go. It's like a fever that's sweeping over the place. I'm a big believer that the pharma companies are benefitting too much from all these illnesses.
 
Associate
OP
Joined
5 Oct 2007
Posts
620
Gaming really helps and technology but also even just talking like this does, this is more about letting people in on what it is like because so many people dealing with depression have got use to answering "i'm okay" a mask they wear because so that people don't feel bothered.
 
Associate
Joined
3 Dec 2020
Posts
24
Thanks Calranthe, I honestly found that a really helpful thing to read. I have a few friends who have been experiencing depression over the past year, and for a neurotypical it sometimes can feel like I am the one who always reaches out to them without getting much of a response. Your message was perfectly timed to remind me that my mental health is a privilege, and I should use that privilege to be there for those who don't have it. I'll keep reaching out that hand.
 
Caporegime
Joined
22 Nov 2005
Posts
45,164
with a disability the hardest thing seems to be getting any actual help if it's mental.

like I mean an actual 10 round slug vs mike tyson to actually get any help not the thought of getting help, but actually getting help.

it's a joke

btw if you ever had an assessment from adult services because your GP said "by law I'm required to contact them" and you tell them that you don't want help they take it at face value and won't ever contact you ever again. which seems like a joke if your GP has to contact them by law then it's obviously something pretty serious?

they won't periodically check to see if your okay or anything and most people probably lie about how much help they actually need
 
Soldato
Joined
24 Sep 2015
Posts
3,657
My partner suffers from anxiety, depression and OCD. She's been seeing a psychiatrist for about 9 years and is mostly doing OK these days but she sometimes has big dips. It tears me apart to see the woman I love suffering but we are lucky that we have private healthcare so she can get the care she needs and we don't have to worry about the money. That said, I would gladly go without if it meant we had the money for her treatment.

I can't begin to say how annoyed it makes me when people claim to be 'a little bit OCD' just because they like their cup of tea made a certain way. That's not OCD. Making light of a debilitating metal illness isn't funny. We all have our preferences. I like my tea made a certain way for example, but it's a preference nothing more.

I would echo what @Calranthe said. If someone suffering from a mental illness asks you for help then that is probably the hardest thing they will ever do. If someone trusts you enough to ask for your help then please be understanding and have patience.
 
Man of Honour
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[..]
5:22am, I open my eyes and the count down begins, 5-10 seconds is all I have to get out of bed and turn on the audible book I am reading to stop my brain from hitting me with a dark truth that will send me into a bad place, I manage to turn on the audible book, mentally calculating how many more books I have left or do I have enough money to buy another 3 credits to keep the bogeyman away for one more day. [..]

Something that might be useful to you - most (maybe all) UK public library systems allow members to borrow audiobooks for free. In most cases, you can download them in standard unprotected MP3 format and play them on anything that plays mp3s. You can also get an audiobook borrowing and playing app from the service if that's more convenient for you and that will also allow you to play the small proportion of their audiobooks that are DRMed MP3s. I borrow an audiobook, listen to it and then delete it. The selection is smaller than Audible, but it's not bad and free is free. The audiobooks themselves are the proper ones - unabridged and narrated by professional voice actors. Identical to the ones you get from Audible.

(EDIT: Just as an example, here's the two audiobook services provided by Stoke on Trent library service - BorrowBox and Libby. I use Libby. You don't need to go to your library. It's as easy to use as Audible. http://librariesonline.stoke.gov.uk/iguana/www.main.cls?surl=LibraryExtra)

I'm staying out of this thread from now, so if you have any questions about library audiobook services then hopefully someone else will answer them. I wasn't as deep in the pit as you are, but this hits too close and the pit is still there for me to fall into. I'm scared of it. I'm walking away.
 
Associate
OP
Joined
5 Oct 2007
Posts
620
Thanks Calranthe, I honestly found that a really helpful thing to read. I have a few friends who have been experiencing depression over the past year, and for a neurotypical it sometimes can feel like I am the one who always reaches out to them without getting much of a response. Your message was perfectly timed to remind me that my mental health is a privilege, and I should use that privilege to be there for those who don't have it. I'll keep reaching out that hand.

Depression is horrible and invisible, it isolates us.

with a disability the hardest thing seems to be getting any actual help if it's mental.

like I mean an actual 10 round slug vs mike tyson to actually get any help not the thought of getting help, but actually getting help.

it's a joke

btw if you ever had an assessment from adult services because your GP said "by law I'm required to contact them" and you tell them that you don't want help they take it at face value and won't ever contact you ever again. which seems like a joke if your GP has to contact them by law then it's obviously something pretty serious?

they won't periodically check to see if your okay or anything and most people probably lie about how much help they actually need

When my Doctor and help wanted me to go on PiP they warned me that it would be an uphill battle that getting on disability via mental health usually goes to appeal and you have to fight, my cancer counsellor rang me every week to see if they needed to get the appeal going and all of the help offered was given by charities, every week it felt like I had to prove myself.

My partner suffers from anxiety, depression and OCD. She's been seeing a psychiatrist for about 9 years and is mostly doing OK these days but she sometimes has big dips. It tears me apart to see the woman I love suffering but we are lucky that we have private healthcare so she can get the care she needs and we don't have to worry about the money. That said, I would gladly go without if it meant we had the money for her treatment.

I can't begin to say how annoyed it makes me when people claim to be 'a little bit OCD' just because they like their cup of tea made a certain way. That's not OCD. Making light of a debilitating metal illness isn't funny. We all have our preferences. I like my tea made a certain way for example, but it's a preference nothing more.

I would echo what @Calranthe said. If someone suffering from a mental illness asks you for help then that is probably the hardest thing they will ever do. If someone trusts you enough to ask for your help then please be understanding and have patience.

OCD is horrible, sad thing is my consultant thinks I have OCD on top of everything else, I was just telling him how at 3am I woke up concerned what would happen to my dogs if I choked to death and died during the night, couldn't stop that thought until I had come down stairs and put 3 bowls of water down for them in different room and made sure my back door was able to be opened by my next door neighbour if they didn't hear from me the next day, I literally couldn't go back to bed until I had done that.

My thread in hardware got locked by someone who thought that because I was pointing out flaws with suggestions of advice because of my disabilities that I was causing trouble or being difficult, I wasn't being ungrateful, very polite in fact, but a lot of what was offered wasn't taking in to account the challenges I face daily, sadly that is nothing new, people offer help and it is good natured, it is with the best of intention but without understanding what we face they just see someone being difficult, when that thread was all about trying to find advice for my current issues... I almost left the forum completely after reading what was said.

But I am still here.
 
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