The all new OCUK joke thread for 2021

Reality|Bites · 9 May 2021 at 00:27

I remember the time I went to A&E with a sex injury....not really but I hadn't had a shower and the nurses kept asking how I had hurt my knee after me telling them...too funny when looking back at it.
story goes... for a over a week at work the back of my knee had been getting sorer and sorer everyday, I was off on the Saturday and when I woke up I couldn't even stand on it or I would fall over, I woke up soaking in sweat...
I tried phone my mum for help but no answer, so got ataxi to the hospital myself, I got there and a bit smelly, all the nurses kept asking and smirking about how I did my knee in. I gave an explanation of maybe the bike as I cycle to work everyday, I felt as if I was being interrogated as I was asked the same thing about 20 times!
I left A&E in a velco support thing.

Digital X · 9 May 2021 at 01:19

no idea what said:
Can everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

That's done me in

UTT · 9 May 2021 at 02:24

Conjunctivitis.com

That's a site for sore eyes

wez130 · 9 May 2021 at 05:31

I was seeing this girl called Sue Denim. Turns out that that wasn't her real name though.

petridish · 9 May 2021 at 09:56

My friend told me he was thinking of going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island.

I said "Don't be s'silly".

RxR · 9 May 2021 at 09:59

Running from the goats
Hiding from the sheep
That's the Chump of Strives
Mountain-high and deep.

FBi7 · 9 May 2021 at 12:55

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's 6 inches long and starts with a P?

A jobby.

Bubo · 9 May 2021 at 13:40

I often see Jimmy Savile's name misspelled as "Saville". But it is OK since when he died he went 2 L

TrojanWhore · 9 May 2021 at 15:23

wez130 said:
I was seeing this girl called Sue Denim. Turns out that that wasn't her real name though.

^^That took me a moment longer you get than it should have!

One of my faves:

I'll never cross a fence in to another man's field, it's not my stile

Graetzbridge · 9 May 2021 at 15:58

Q What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? A. Thanks for coming!

BUDFORCE · 9 May 2021 at 16:01

What's the difference between a police man with a speed camera and going down on a woman?

When you go down on a woman you can see the **** behind the bush.

sgavan · 9 May 2021 at 20:11

Why do Norwegian ships have barcodes on the side?
So they can Scan da Navy in

potatolord · 9 May 2021 at 20:28

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

Bluecube · 9 May 2021 at 20:32

Graetzbridge said:
A joke by Billy Connelly

/snip

Absolutely brilliant! Even better if you imagine Billy telling it

Here’s one - What do you call a blonde with her hair dyed brunette? Artificial Intelligence

[FnG]magnolia · 9 May 2021 at 23:48

I'm surprised @Maccy hasn't banned everyone in this thread

Angilion · 10 May 2021 at 01:57

The U2 spyplane was designed in the 1950s and it's still in service today because it still hasn't found what it's looking for.

Maccy · 10 May 2021 at 08:50

[FnG]magnolia said:
I'm surprised @Maccy hasn't banned everyone in this thread

Just you

PermaChanged · 10 May 2021 at 10:07

I went to the sperm bank yesterday and the nurse asked me to come in the cup. I told her I was pretty good, but didn't think I was ready to compete.

Hades · 10 May 2021 at 10:12

I popped into a supermarket to get some deoderant. I couldn't find what I wanted to I asked the cashier.
They asked "ball or aerosol?"
"Neither" I repled. "I want it for my armpits"

Guest2 · 10 May 2021 at 10:42

Are, maths and Labour jokes...

https://thecalendarking.co.uk/product/diane-abbott-2021-calendar/

I want this!