Thursday Morning Joke

Soldato
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A father was watching his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was watching two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden."
 
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Little Nancy was just finishing digging and filling in a hole in her garden when her next door neighbour asked what she was doing,
"My goldfish died and ive just buried it" she says.
The neighbour laughed and said, "But thats a big hole for a goldfish Nancy".
She replied, "Thats because it was in your ******* cat"
 
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The first one was good, but this one...
dymetrie said:
Little Nancy was just finishing digging and filling in a hole in her garden when her next door neighbour asked what she was doing,
"My goldfish died and ive just buried it" she says.
The neighbour laughed and said, "But thats a big hole for a goldfish Nancy".
She replied, "Thats because it was in your ******* cat"
Ahaha :D
 
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More kid stuff..

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ... " I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a ****."

BB x
 
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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" questioned Mrs. Ward

"Well, the people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
 
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dymetrie said:
Little Nancy was just finishing digging and filling in a hole in her garden when her next door neighbour asked what she was doing,
"My goldfish died and ive just buried it" she says.
The neighbour laughed and said, "But thats a big hole for a goldfish Nancy".
She replied, "Thats because it was in your ******* cat"

Nice one chief. :D
 
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A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses
are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very
short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked
if he was ready to order,

"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to
bottom, then answers,

"A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains
her composure she returns and asks again,

"What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,

"A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,

"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
 
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Kell_ee001 said:
LOL :D

These are a pretty high standard for here! :p


You're not wrong, so here's another extrememly annoying effort from me, to drop the standard somewhat:

Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the great composers. Anyway to give the film a twist and some "oomph" he decides to cast the parts to the great action heroes of today. He calls Stallone, Arnie, Bruce Willis and Segal into his office to hear who they would like to play.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal.

"I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "That sounds splendid."

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnie?"

So Arnie says..........









































Wait for it, it’s a beauty..........







































"I'll be Bach.
 
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