joke

Soldato
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Essex, innit?
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun with the Kiwi.

Ventriloquist: "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a bloody liar!"
 
Soldato
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between Blandford Street and Mars
I don't really get it. The first two animals gave a glowing report of their owner. If the owner really treated them that well, he would hardly treat the sheep bad and if he didn't treat them that well, but they appeared to be saying that he did, why would he suspect that the sheep would say any different?
 

Zip

Zip

Soldato
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Australia
volospian said:
I don't really get it. The first two animals gave a glowing report of their owner. If the owner really treated them that well, he would hardly treat the sheep bad and if he didn't treat them that well, but they appeared to be saying that he did, why would he suspect that the sheep would say any different?

Because New Zealanders shag sheep :p
 

PFG

PFG

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volospian said:
I don't really get it. The first two animals gave a glowing report of their owner. If the owner really treated them that well, he would hardly treat the sheep bad and if he didn't treat them that well, but they appeared to be saying that he did, why would he suspect that the sheep would say any different?

U read that joke incorrectly
 
Permabanned
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volospian said:
I don't really get it. The first two animals gave a glowing report of their owner. If the owner really treated them that well, he would hardly treat the sheep bad and if he didn't treat them that well, but they appeared to be saying that he did, why would he suspect that the sheep would say any different?
Think of the farmer lifting the sheep's tail, while holding onto the sheep's body with velcro gloves. :D
 
Caporegime
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Back in East London
volospian said:
I don't really get it. The first two animals gave a glowing report of their owner. If the owner really treated them that well, he would hardly treat the sheep bad and if he didn't treat them that well, but they appeared to be saying that he did, why would he suspect that the sheep would say any different?
Kiwi's are infamous for the same thing as Welshies.
 

Zip

Zip

Soldato
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basmic said:
Think of the farmer lifting the sheep's tail, while holding onto the sheep's body with velcro gloves. :D

Down here sheep dont come with tails, They get cut off when they are young.
Easy access for the farmers :p
New Zealand farmers that is :D

(The real reason is to stop sheep getting flyblown)
 

rmt

rmt

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Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work.

"Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this
gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to mine, we had a couple of drinks, we got
into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes
off."

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk
next to my new laptop."

"Really? You got a new laptop?"
 
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A friend posted this elsewhere and I thought it was quite good - not good enough for its own thread but good enough for a thread resurrection :D (I just went looking for the most recent "joke" thread :o )

The Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50 Pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20 Pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it.

"Sweet Mudder o’ Jasus, Maggie! Where the **** are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love o’ Jasus 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."


Be carefuly when you copy and paste jokes for any swearing. FF
 
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