Lesson 1: Borrowing A Tab
WITHIN MINUTES of arriving in Newcastle you will encounter the legendary Geordie hospitality, when a complete stranger approaches you with his right hand extended. "Lenz a tab," he’ll say.
You have made a pal, and he is suggesting you cement the friendship with the long-term loan of a cigarette. You, in turn, are obliged to lend him one.
This routine will happen every time you venture out in Newcastle. So if you don’t smoke, now’s a good time to start.
The ‘friendliest’ types are young lads wearing colourful sportswear and a "nippa" behind their ear, who sound as though they’re talking through their left nostril.
When he says "Lenz a tab," you will reply "nee bother, charver." He’ll be sure to look out for you in future.
He may have a female with him. She’ll also be wearing sportswear, dripping with gold-coloured jewellery. The fringe of her yellow hair will have been carefully sprayed over a coke tin until it’s twice the size of her head. She is known as a Kappa Slapper – or "me bewer."
In this case you will offer two cigarettes. And if you’re feeling particularly gregarious, add the words "bet she gans like the clappaz." Your wit will be noted.
Now that you understand this easy piece of etiquette, why not try it yourself?
Simply walk up to a stranger in a bar or on a bus, lean close to their face, and say the words:
"Lenz a tab."
Better still, try it on everyone you pass in the street – you’ll be surprised at the interesting situations this can lead to.
And you’ll know when you’ve met a true kindred spirit, when they reply "Ah was ganna ask yee."
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Lesson 2: Getting Drunk
THE TWIN vices of the Charver are drink and drugs – although the peeve1 is slightly harder to obtain than tack2. This is because charvers are too young to get into pubs, which means hanging around outside the offie until someone can be ‘persuaded’ to go in and buy their bottles.
So first of all, choose your shop and position yourself by the doorway, but out sight of the owner. If spotted you’ll have to nash3, because he’ll assume you’re on the chaw4.
You could be there for some time, so why not while away the hours with a bit hockling?
All charver’s hockle5 – it’s as natural as breathing.
It also enables them to find their friends, by simply following the trail of phlegm from the shop to the bus shelter, and back.
You should have a decent-sized pool at your feet before some dafty6 agrees to make your purchase.
Charvers have a varied palate, in that they’re not fussy what they drink. But most aim to get monged7 for less than three bar8; so it’s got to be cheap.
Fortunately, this market is well catered for. Many favour speccy9, a bottle of which will rip your wires out for a couple of bar. Similar tipples include White Lightning, Zodiac and Storm. The names hint at the damage they’ll inflict on your brain.
Wine is popular with the Bella10 Boys, who have seen the state of imbecility tramps manage to achieve, on a couple of bottles. Basically, any white wine with a name ending in ‘brusco’ is considered too nasty for general consumption, and is knocked out to alkies and charvers at around a quid a bottle. Double cush11.
You’ll need somewhere to do your drinking, and a bus shelter is just the job.
Once there, you can get ****** in comfort and style, ***-off passers-by and, if you’ve downed a second bottle speccy, **** youself; before heading home to your crib12.
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TRANSLATOR
1 PEEVE Alcoholic. Also, to drink: "I was proper peeved-up."
2 TACK Hashish, usually of a very poor quality
3 NASH To move swiftly: “He proper did a nash when me fatha came home”
4 CHAW To steal
5 HOCKLE Spit
6 DAFTY Thick or gullible person
7 MONGED Off one’s head
8 BAR An English pound: "Me fine was only fowty-bar."
9 SPECCY Spectrum cider, cheap and nasty
10 BELLA Bella Brusco, a vile white wine
11 DOUBLE CUSH Very good. Also ‘pure cush’, or simply ‘cush’
12 CRIB Where a charver sleeps: "Am gan yairm to me crib."