Best way to distance oneself...

[basmic]

Now, most likely I will be going for coffee with him. So the question is, do I explain this to him quite honestly or do I just stop arranging to give him lifts and assume he'll get the message?

If it were me, I'd tell him straight and make it clear that the lifts stop because of what's going/gone on.

If he does phone up for a lift, tell him that you don't have the time and you've already told him you're not going to give him any more lift.

 

[VIRII]

Tamper with his crampons.

 

[KaHn]

From what I can see, you have no problem being around him and talking to him, but you do not like his comments towards you?

I would suggest spending less time with him, as the confrontation may cause problems down the line, and if he keeps making snide remarks pull him up on them, if he trys to laugh them off and say "oh its nothing you big girl" or something along those lines, then tell him to do one.

KaHn

 

[Mekrel]

I'm in the exact same position as you CBS,

A friend of mine always undermines me where there are points to score with certain people. He has two sides to him and it's quite scary to see, especially when he is talking down about others to me. Makes me wonder if he does it about me? Well not wonder, as I know he does.

However, when there is a lift to be had - completely different story. Everything is a competition to him and he constantly points out his achievements, how he's good at this that and the other and better at everything.

Not long ago, we both got hurt by people, him being the later to do so. When I told him I understood what it felt like it was:

"With all due respect? How can you possably relate to what I'm going through"

That really angered me.

I've decided to just stay clear.

 

[Saberu]

Be a man and confront him about it and see what he says. With my friends theres an unwritten rule that you shouldn't hit on a mates target. I always thought most guys used this rule. E.g. if I'm about to talk to a group of girls my friend has opened with then i'll ask him who his target is first.

 

[Pookie Bear]

because it is unhealthy for him as it is for me.

You hit the nail on the head here, fella.

In my opinion, you should go for a coffee with him, tell him how you feel and offer two ways from here on - either you reach a certain level of mutual respect and resolve the outstanding issues, or you back off and leave each other alone for as long as it takes. Just remember, and make it clear - it isn't a confrontation, it's a discussion - things adults do.

Your only concern with the former, in my mind, is whether he's going to throw up a facade because he needs the lifts, or if he is making a genuine attempt to help resolve the matter. Your posts make you seem like an intelligent man, I'm sure you'll work out what the score is pretty quickly.

Either way, holding things back or, even worse, ignoring him, will only make minds wander and could make it far worse than it is. I'd rather get called a **** to my face, than have my friend ignore me, not answer texts, not answer his phone etc...

If it was the other way around, what would you like to happen?

 

[thebrasso]

I'd confront him about it.

I don't mean physically, I mean have a chat with him and tell him that you feel he is being disrespectful to you.

 

[nero120]

Hmmmmm....

Last night I realised that I think I need to distance myself from a buddy of mine. I found myself competing for the attention of a girl, and it is safe to say it got slightly snide at a few points. This event then made me think of some of the disprespectful ways in which my friend has been acting in the last month or so, therefore I have decided that it would be best to distance myself. He is becoming innappropriately critical of me, therefore I am going to back off.

The trouble is that I will often give him lifts, particularly to climbing.
What I propose is that I no longer give him lifts and no longer go on climbing weekends with him, because he has either become too arrogant or has lost respect for me, either way its best to back off.

Now, most likely I will be going for coffee with him. So the question is, do I explain this to him quite honestly or do I just stop arranging to give him lifts and assume he'll get the message?

Just give bubbles a banana and all will be well!

Sorry dude, couldnt resist!

 

[cleanbluesky]

I've made my decision.

1) I'm not going to have an in-depth conversation with him about it. If he wants to act so arrogant, maybe he has emotional issues that cause this. Let him deal with it, or not. I think I'll start going to camping meets alone, and stop dispensing lifts.

2) With regards to the girl, it is an issue with me. If he would step over a friend to compete for a girl that is his business, but in honesty I wasn't even that interested in her until he started trying to chat her up. Then it became a competition and I got up tight. I'm not even sure he scored a victory TBH.

3) I am going to stop trying to compete with him. It's below me.

 

[Greenlizard0]

Ideally from the end of a computer monitor it's very easy to take the ethically/morally correct course of action, but as with many things I believe it doesn't unfortunetely work in real life.

I know this sounds very child like - but occasionally I have to treat people exactly like they treat me.

It's extremely petty and probably does take some effort if the actions you are to copy are so uncharacteristic of your own, however it often makes people sit up and think about what your doing (and/or with gentle coaxing), they then more often than not realise that their behaviour is inappropriate (if they have any sort of conscience that is). Of course there are some people (interestingly only very *blonde* women in my experience so far) who are totally clueless and can't "take" what they origionally "give out."

 

[Von Smallhausen]

I've made my decision.

1) I'm not going to have an in-depth conversation with him about it. If he wants to act so arrogant, maybe he has emotional issues that cause this. Let him deal with it, or not. I think I'll start going to camping meets alone, and stop dispensing lifts.

2) With regards to the girl, it is an issue with me. If he would step over a friend to compete for a girl that is his business, but in honesty I wasn't even that interested in her until he started trying to chat her up. Then it became a competition and I got up tight. I'm not even sure he scored a victory TBH.

3) I am going to stop trying to compete with him. It's below me.

Thats pretty much the decision I thought you would come to.

I am surprised that an articulate guy like yourself posted such a thread, although that is not a go at you.

 

[melchy]

Im of the opinion that in these situations, the girl in question will eventially sort this out for you anyway. She'll either chose you or your friend or indeed neither and when that happens things will get back to normal.

 

[Nix]

I think personally that this guy does not obviously value your friendship as much as you do as he is so eager to 'step-over' or compete with you for female attention. Is this a friendly rivalry, such as "Bet you I can get with her first." but there is no ill feeling? Or is this competition something that has developed on its own accord?

I'm just curious, but you said that your friendship developed out of your mutal love for climbing, so I'm assuming that perhaps the friendship itself revolves around competing against one another, or would you disagree?

Personally, with my friends, especially the ones I consider close friends or there abouts, we would never step over each other for the attention of a girl. I have however met people who can be very condesending towards me, which is something I find intolerable and I get very confrontational about it. Recently a friend of mine has begun to explore some interest in a girl we both met, which originally he thought I may be interesting in, but as I decided she was annoying he concluded that she was fair game. I've only known the bloke about a week so far, but we've already got mutual respect (or at least I hope so). Your situation probably just shows this man's lack of character.

If I was in your exact situation Blueski, what I would do would be to not change my attitude at all. Distancing yourself may only mean that he'll do it again in the future. Your friendship is still what I'd consider new, so I think that you're still testing the water in most cases. The next time your friend becomes snide, or arrogant towards you; put him in his place.

I've found that saying "Who the **** do you think you're talking to?" often works wonders.

 

[Hedge]

I think a lot of people do this. Kahn does it to me all the time , he keeps apologising for me when im drunk even though he doesnt have to hehe

where women are involved men always try to make themselves seem top dog, they either act totally out of character, being really mature etc or they have digs at their competition.

Not worth losing a friend over really