Friday Joke

Soldato
Joined
27 Oct 2003
Posts
4,996
Location
East Mids.
A modern day explorer has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath
- when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, mate," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this", said the explorer. "I'm not going to trust an Inland Revenue genie."

She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The bloke thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The explorer finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

The genie said, "OK, matey, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The explorer finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, "OK, chum, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the explorer says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***


He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story ????????.

If the government offers you anything ????????? there's always a string attached.
 
Associate
Joined
23 Oct 2002
Posts
437
Location
Dundee
Short sharp jokes everytime. nothing better than when you hear one and it keeps making you laugh!!!! A la, what's a hospice? About half a gallon.
 
Caporegime
Joined
18 Oct 2002
Posts
29,491
Location
Back in East London
oldie reposts:

A Dyslexic walks into a bra.

A Seal walks into a club.

A Rabi, a Priest and a Vicar walk into a bar. Barman says "What is this? Some kind of joke?!"

Man walks into a bar with a lump of Asphalt under his arm. "Pint for me, and one for the road!"

(a slightly long joke.. and possibly inappropriate..)

A Man, an Ostrich and a Panther walk into a bar. Bloke says "What you having?" Ostrich: "Pinacollada for me." Panther: "Pint for me, but only if you are paying.." Bloke pulls out a £50 and tells barman to keep the change. Barman says "What's this all about then?" Bloke replies: "Oh, I bumped into a genie. Told me 'your wish is my command' and all that, so I asked for a never ending supply of £50 notes, a bird with long legs and a tight <female genitalia, also used to describe a cat>"

To find them funny, you must be drunk. FACT.
 
Associate
Joined
4 Apr 2004
Posts
1,529
Location
Manchester
Kami said:
Sure I posted this before but since we're all posting rubbish jokes..

Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
No!

It's Dyslexic Mna!

Quite possibly (and quite an astonishing feat considering the years of competition posted on here) the worst joke ever to grace the forums.
 
Associate
Joined
15 Dec 2005
Posts
2,403
A man is driving home from work when he sees a car on the side of the
road, on its roof, and flames all around. He stops his car and walks
over to the wreck. Inside is a beautiful woman in the car who's bleeding
to death, so he rushes her to the hospital.

Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her everyday and
every night. He donated blood regularly to keep her alive.
Eventually,
she recovers fully, and they get married.

Life is good for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides
to leave him. He only loves money, and she knows she is just a trophy
wife. She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases,
reaching into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar, "I'm leaving you,"
she says.

"Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are
for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere."
"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him.

"And those bulging suitcases, the clothes you are wearing, everything
I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking
them anywhere." "Fine," she says, throws the suitcases at him, strips
off her clothes and throws them at him, too.

"And the blood in your body, I sat with you for six months in the
hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going
anywhere."

She quickly pulled out her tampon, threw it in his face and said..."I'll
pay you back in monthly installments."
 
Associate
Joined
4 Apr 2004
Posts
1,529
Location
Manchester
qwerty said:
I don't get it :confused:

Meant to be in the context of

"My uncle is living his final days now, he's in a hospice"

"What's a hospice?"

man in background pipes up "Bout a gallon n' half" (as in how much a horse) would slash....

Hospice = Horse****

:D
 
Back
Top Bottom