Girl Problems (Advice Needed)

Kesnel · 4 Mar 2007 at 16:01

Tweek_1984 said:
One thing I do know, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to fully trust her again.

I think that you have answered your own question with that statement; without trust a long distance relationship is not going to work.

In my experience long distance relationships rarely survive, and the ones that do require a lot of work. I've been involved with people for a long period of time living in close proximity before those relationships, for various reasons, became long distance. In each instance, within a short time the situation became unworkable.

However, as others have pointed out previously, it would be much worse if she hadn't have told you, and her admission is surely an indication of the fact she still wants to make things work.

These are just my thoughts on the matter, I'm sorry if they’re not what you wanted to hear but I hope they aid you in your thought process. Just take some time to think things over, don't go making a snap decisions. Good luck.

Gaygle · 4 Mar 2007 at 16:17

Maybe this is a sign that you and her are falling apart? Seen it a thousand times and it always starts with one person kissing a random, then they say it was a mistake, but it ends a few weeks later anyway.

BennyC · 4 Mar 2007 at 16:35

Ive realised now, life is too short to hold grudges. It'l take time to forgive her, i dont deny that, even if you dont forgive her ,its still better to have her as a friend than not at all. In my opinion.

helpimcrap · 4 Mar 2007 at 17:04

im no expert and im not very forgiving either (taken me a year to talk to an ex who did the dirty on me...) BUT in your case its a long distance relationship with months apart and i imagine its difficult on both sides to try and keep it going and to not feel a bit lonely. especially if someone makes a move on you and you havent seen each other for months.

normally id say leave her and move on but she could quite easily have stayed quiet and not told you and carried on as normal. however she has told you which means one of two things...

1. she is genuinely sorry and it was a 'moment' which she regrets and felt so bad that she had to be honest with you no matter what.
2. she wants out and is hoping you will do the deed because shes too much of a wimp.

which one does it sound like to you? ill agree that trust will never be the same... you sound like me a bit... im not very trusting and when i do trust its 100% until they prove otherwise, then if they break that trust its over and done with.

gareth.e · 4 Mar 2007 at 17:17

helpimcrap said:
im no expert and im not very forgiving either (taken me a year to talk to an ex who did the dirty on me...) BUT in your case its a long distance relationship with months apart and i imagine its difficult on both sides to try and keep it going and to not feel a bit lonely. especially if someone makes a move on you and you havent seen each other for months.

normally id say leave her and move on but she could quite easily have stayed quiet and not told you and carried on as normal. however she has told you which means one of two things...

1. she is genuinely sorry and it was a 'moment' which she regrets and felt so bad that she had to be honest with you no matter what.
2. she wants out and is hoping you will do the deed because shes too much of a wimp.

which one does it sound like to you? ill agree that trust will never be the same... you sound like me a bit... im not very trusting and when i do trust its 100% until they prove otherwise, then if they break that trust its over and done with.

or

3. she was up for it, untill she realised after... *maybe?* it wasn't a good idea.

[TW]Fox · 4 Mar 2007 at 18:07

Tweek_1984 said:
I've no idea why she's done this

I have. Although you want it to work, and in some rare cases it does, a relationship over 3000 miles is just a daft idea. One or both parties will, at various stages, find it too much for them and end up getting carried away with others.

Humans are meant to be together, regardless of how cool IM and IP Phones are, 3000 miles apart is not together. Going 3-4 months between visiting her isn't a relationship, it's an extended friendship.

nemtizz · 4 Mar 2007 at 18:08

Don't get mad, get even.

Burnsy2023 · 4 Mar 2007 at 18:11

Adum said:
Don't get mad, get even.

Mature adults try to avoid childish comebacks

Burnsy

cleanbluesky · 4 Mar 2007 at 18:20

burnsy2023 said:
Mature adults try to avoid childish comebacks

Burnsy

So do spineless sissies...

Burnsy2023 · 4 Mar 2007 at 18:30

cleanbluesky said:
So do spineless sissies...

Showing your ever present maturity there CBS

It'll take more than playground talk to provoke me

Burnsy

cleanbluesky · 4 Mar 2007 at 18:33

burnsy2023 said:
Showing your ever present maturity there CBS

Actually it holds true. There is a threshold between self-esteem and confidence whereby a person wouldn't smite another because they have such a low self-opinion that they believe that they deserve to be betrayed. Then there are people who have more self-confidence who believe that they SHOULDN'T be slighted in such a fashion, and would seek revenge. Then there are people who are SOOO self-confident that they don't need to seek revenge.

It'll take more than playground talk to provoke me

Burnsy

Provoke you into what?

You mean you can be provoked into more than the quoted subtle slight?

Burnsy2023 · 4 Mar 2007 at 18:40

cleanbluesky said:
Actually it holds true. There is a threshold between self-esteem and confidence whereby a person wouldn't smite another because they have such a low self-opinion that they believe that they deserve to be betrayed. Then there are people who have more self-confidence who believe that they SHOULDN'T be slighted in such a fashion, and would seek revenge. Then there are people who are SOOO self-confident that they don't need to seek revenge.

Revenge is an inherently pointless thing to do. It achieves nothing.

You've made the assertation that just because you have enough self confidence to realise that you don't deserve being treated badly, you need to resort to revenge. Which is flawed; by all means tell them where to go, but making them feel bad doesn't serve any purpose bar immature self satisfaction.

Burnsy

Fraggr · 4 Mar 2007 at 18:53

burnsy2023 said:
Showing your ever present maturity there CBS
It'll take more than playground talk to provoke me

Burnsy

As much as I hate the guy's views on a lot of things, I agree with him on this.

Cupra · 4 Mar 2007 at 18:53

my 2p worth

the thing u should ask yourself is

in you heart can you 100% say that she will NEVER do it again?
any relationship (exspecialy long distance ones) are built around trust.
could u let her go to the pub with her mates again knowing what she could do?
could you move all the way over there for someone who thinks so little about u that being a bit drunk and being a bit horny ok's the fact she got off with someone.

In my opinion if you want this to work the only way it could would be that if she sacrificed her life and moved to england with you.
because nobody could do that to anyone if they truly loved someone regardless of drink. thats the crapest excuse ever.

Zefan · 4 Mar 2007 at 18:57

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

HAz · 4 Mar 2007 at 19:04

More than a woman

Zefan · 4 Mar 2007 at 19:10

Just actually read through the thread properly and if I were you I'd really, reeeeeeeeally need to know what actually happened. Every little detail.

Hellsmk2 · 4 Mar 2007 at 19:33

Bugger all this respect rubbish. If someone cheats, then something isn't right. Be a man and walk away and find someone who won't cheat on you.

You have the distance already so you'll get over it far quicker. Don't get walked on... walk off instead.

Richdog · 4 Mar 2007 at 19:35

Long distance relationships are rarely worth it in my opinion... if she was in the UK and more accessible then i'd say give her another chance and work around it, but as she's in Canada this will be eating you up always while you're not there. People have needs, and both of yours aren't being fulfilled with that sort of setup. Never plan your whole life around a woman... especially with this sort of relationship, it's just foolish imo. Finish it, move on, then find a girl closer to home.

Tweek_1984 · 5 Mar 2007 at 08:36

Sorry to ressurect this thread so soon.

At the moment I just need to time to sort my head out. Her story is weird but she is adament that it was only kissing and if I don't believe her then there's no reason to carry on anyways.

If it was just a kiss then I'm willing to stay with her. Like somebody said above, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

It might sound chumpish, but I feel like crap right now and I just want her back. She does seem genuinely sorry. The problem is, is the rebuilding of trust and whether or not I can forgive and forget, especially when I'll never really know what exactly happened.