Friday joke

wordy · 20 Apr 2007 at 11:30

I wasted thirty seconds of my life reading this thread....and I want them back! :mad:

G|mp · 20 Apr 2007 at 11:31

Shakespear walks into a bar

Barman says "Oi you get out your Bard"

Samtheman1k · 20 Apr 2007 at 11:35

G|mp said:
Shakespear walks into a bar

Barman says "Oi you get out your Bard"

Why did Shakespear have to get out his bard? :confused:

</pedantic mode>

Bill101 · 20 Apr 2007 at 11:41

This was emailed to me this morning

I have a big dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my ***** and a car hit me.

platypus · 20 Apr 2007 at 11:43

An unsuspecting man enters this thread.

Ouch

V4NT0M · 20 Apr 2007 at 11:44

oh man... thats bad... (OP) almost as bad as the binary joke.

Fireskull · 20 Apr 2007 at 11:48

Bill101 said:
This was emailed to me this morning

I have a big dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my ***** and a car hit me.

Very goood i like it

KizZ · 20 Apr 2007 at 11:49

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

Dr_Evil · 20 Apr 2007 at 11:52

KizZ said:
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

after which the patient drops dead?

Mellownatts · 20 Apr 2007 at 11:54

jezsoup said:
Two peanuts walking down a street... one was a salted

I lolled.

SGCWill · 20 Apr 2007 at 12:34

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre. They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.....

After several years of constant casual sex, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt that having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself. It was a very tragic time but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course...

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.............
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
So they buried her.

Samtheman1k · 20 Apr 2007 at 13:05

platypus · 20 Apr 2007 at 13:16

Now I like that one

[ASSE]Hinchy · 20 Apr 2007 at 13:19

Haha thats a great one! Not heard that before

Coran · 20 Apr 2007 at 13:27

Fish swims into a concrete wall.

Dam

SGCWill · 20 Apr 2007 at 13:28

Coran said:
Fish swims into a concrete wall.

Dam

I've haddock enough of fish jokes.

[ASSE]Hinchy · 20 Apr 2007 at 13:50

SGCWill said:
I've haddock enough of fish jokes.

That was carp. You cod have come up with better than that surely...

Anyway, there's a time and a plaice for this kind of talk and this isn't it...

More jokes please!

Business Man · 20 Apr 2007 at 13:59

What do you call a chav in a metal box ?

Safe

vincent1989 · 20 Apr 2007 at 14:02

some of these jokes make we want to commit "Friday stabbings"

V4NT0M · 20 Apr 2007 at 14:06

ok, you made me do it...

There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who dont.