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Aeronautical Humor

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by PsiFox, 9 Mar 2006.

  1. PsiFox

    Mobster

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 3,798

    Location: Somewhere in the U.K.

    Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ..I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan).


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    You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)


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    The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.


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    Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor)


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    If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe


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    When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.


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    What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up,...the pilot dies.


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    Never trade luck for skill.


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    The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh xxxx!"


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    Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.


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    Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.


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    Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.


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    A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.


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    I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.


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    Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!


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    Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries


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    Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.


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    When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.


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    Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.


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    The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)


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    A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)


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    If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)


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    If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the xxxxxxxx down. (Ernest K. Gann, author &aviator)


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    Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.


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    There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).


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    The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but surely someone who's been there)


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    If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.


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    Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.


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    You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal


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    About Pilots




    1. As an aviator in flight you can do anything you want... As long as it's right... And we'll let you know if it's right after you get down.

    2. You can't fly forever without getting killed.

    3. As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will.

    One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight in an airplane..

    One day you will walk out to the airplane not knowing that it is your last flight in an airplane..


    4. Any flight over water in a single engine airplane will absolutely guarantee abnormal engine noises and vibrations.

    5. There are Rules and there are Laws. The rules are made by men who think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. The Laws (of Physics) were made by the Great One. You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.

    6. More about Rules:


    The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.

    If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance. (e.g., If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)


    7. The pilot is the highest form of life on earth.

    8. The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.

    9. About check rides:

    The only real objective of a check ride is to complete it and get the ******* out of your airplane.

    It has never occurred to any flight examiner that the examinee couldn't care less what the examiner's opinion of his flying ability really is.


    10. The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.

    11 The job of the Wing Commander is to worry incessantly that his career depends solely on the abilities of his aviators to fly their airplanes without mishap and that their only minuscule contribution to the effort is to bet their lives on it.

    12. Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot's day is over I know of no such expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a non-piloted aircraft.

    13. It is absolutely imperative that the pilot be unpredictable. Rebelliousness is very predictable. In the end, conforming almost all the time is the best way to be unpredictable.

    14. He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he that demands one iota more is a fool.

    15. If you're gonna fly low, do not fly slow! ASW pilots know this only too well. (Amen)

    16. It is solely the pilot's responsibility to never let any other thing touch his aircraft.

    17. If you can learn how to fly as a 2nd Lt and not forget how to fly by the time you're a Maj. you will have lived a happy life.

    18. About night flying:

    Remember that the airplane doesn't know that it's dark.

    On a clear, moonless night, never fly between the tanker's lights.

    There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.

    If you're going to night fly, it might as well be in the weather so you can double count your exposure to both hazards.

    Night formation is really an endless series of near misses in equilibrium with each other.

    You would have to pay a lot of money at a lot of amusement parks and perhaps add a few drugs, to get the same blend of psychedelic sensations as a single engine night weather flight.


    19. One of the most important skills that a pilot must develop is the skill to ignore those things that were designed by non-pilots to get the pilot's attention.

    20. At the end of the day, the controllers, ops supervisors, maintenance guys, weather guessers, and birds; they're all trying to kill you and your job is to not let them!

    21. The concept of "controlling" airspace with radar is just a form of FAA sarcasm directed at pilots to see if they're gullible enough to swallow it. Or to put it another way, when's the last time the FAA ever shot anyone down?

    22. Remember that the radio is only an electronic suggestion box for the pilot. Sometimes the only way to clear up a problem is to turn it off.

    23. It is a tacit, yet profound admission of the preeminence of flying in the hierarchy of the human spirit, that those who seek to control aviators via threats always threaten to take one's wings and not one's life.

    24. Remember when flying low and inverted that the rudder still works the same old way but hopefully your IP never taught you "pull stick back, plane go up".

    25. Mastering the prohibited maneuvers in the Natops Manual is one of the best forms of aviation life insurance you can get.

    26. A tactic done twice is a procedure. (Refer to unpredictability discussion above)

    27. The aircraft G-limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular airplane. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no G-limits.

    28. One of the beautiful things about a single piloted aircraft is the quality of the social experience.

    29. If a mother has the slightest suspicion that her infant might grow up to be a pilot, she had better teach him to put things back where he got them

    30. The ultimate responsibility of the pilot is to fulfill the dreams of the countless millions of earthbound ancestors who could only stare skyward ...and wish.
     
    Last edited: 9 Mar 2006
  2. penski

    PermaBanned

    Joined: 9 May 2005

    Posts: 20,834

    Location: NE8

    Good...star out the swearies though.

    7/10

    *n
     
  3. Phantom

    Sgarrista

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 9,809

    Location: Southampton, Hampshire

    im not as harsh as penski... 8.53/10