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An Irish man and a French man

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Emo_hug, 27 Feb 2006.

  1. Emo_hug


    Joined: 14 Jun 2004

    Posts: 4,550

    Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
    telephone rings.

    "Hello, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at
    the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that as
    you aren't taking bird flu seriously, and because we are no longer fighting
    in Northern Ireland, and because we have lots of guns, ammunition and
    explosives to use up, we are officially declaring war on ye!"

    "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
    your army?"

    "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me
    cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from
    the pub. That makes eight!"

    Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
    waiting to move on my command."

    "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still
    on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

    "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

    "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor,"
    answers Paddy.

    Chirac sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
    5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000
    since we last spoke."

    "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

    Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still
    on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
    McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
    boyos from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

    Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat "I must tell you,
    Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are
    surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last
    spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

    "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o'the mornin', Mr. Chirac!
    I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

    "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of

    "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few jars of Guinness, and
    decided there is no cooking way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

  2. William


    Joined: 26 Jul 2003

    Posts: 10,948

    Location: Derby

    I think I have been bludgeoned with The World's biggest anti-climax.
  3. Mic


    Joined: 4 Aug 2005

    Posts: 3,869

    Location: Ireland

    ............. :confused:
  4. red11


    Joined: 12 Jun 2005

    Posts: 8,396

    TAAAAXXXIIII!!!!!! :p
  5. GravyMonster


    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 14,399

    Location: The land of milk & beans



    damn you
  6. callmeBadger


    Joined: 30 Jan 2006

    Posts: 427

    I's sure i read this on this very forum just before christmas, but then their was no bird flu pretext.

    Also the army was bigger, progress and downsizing again me thinks.
  7. Sleepy


    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 7,394

    Location: Leicestershire

    You forgot the funny
  8. Kell_ee001


    Joined: 19 Oct 2004

    Posts: 12,387

    Location: Jesmond

  9. Scottland


    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 15,390

    Location: North Wales

    I started to smile when I read the punchline, but after a while I realised it was a small stroke :(

  10. The_TailGunner

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 17 Oct 2003

    Posts: 1,894

    Location: Dublin

    eh- im easily amused


  11. Murf


    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 5,467

    Location: Newcastle

    That was useless. I was hoping for something much more offensive.
  12. anksta


    Joined: 19 Jan 2005

    Posts: 2,722

    I dont get it
  13. Irish_Tom


    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 13,133

    This page should clear things up for you.
  14. needmorespeed


    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 3,497

    Location: Harlow, Essex

    now that made me laugh :D
  15. loopstah


    Joined: 10 Nov 2004

    Posts: 2,878

    Location: My secret mountain base!

    A little laugh.
  16. Sanzy


    Joined: 12 Mar 2005

    Posts: 1,117

    Location: Forget About It

  17. tenchi-fan

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 1,011

    Location: Ireland

    tries to be funny... doesn't quite succeed. I give this thread one star.
  18. Spamalot


    Joined: 25 Oct 2004

    Posts: 5,241

    Location: Cambridge

  19. Kamerad


    Joined: 6 Jul 2003

    Posts: 2,543

    Worked much better when it was about Iraq instead of France.
  20. SourChipmunk


    Joined: 9 Nov 2003

    Posts: 9,477

    Location: The Motor City

    Just as bad:

    My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the Veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

    The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

    The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

    The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

    The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

    The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

    The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."