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Calling in Sick

Discussion in 'GD Archive' started by 2blue4u, 23 May 2003.

  1. 2blue4u

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 17 Oct 2002

    Posts: 50,524

    Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

    On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel like coming in the next day. By then, I thought, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

    The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!! The garbage disposal is dead. Come and reset it."

    "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

    "I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

    So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behaviour was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

    It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without any respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

    At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

    Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.

    At the office, my colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

    If they had only known.
     
  2. arty

    Soldato

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 6,663

    Location: Cambridge

    I don't know whether to laugh or... laugh more.

    arty
     
  3. JJ2K

    Gangster

    Joined: 26 Oct 2002

    Posts: 230

    That is probably one of the most amazing stories i have herd!!!
    Nothing more shocking than having a kitten dangling from yer danglies!!!:eek: :p


    I think most guys would have reacted in the same way so dont feel to bad:D
     
  4. MindYerBeak

    Soldato

    Joined: 17 Oct 2002

    Posts: 5,328

    Most hamusing sir and a jolly good chuckle. Thankfully I've never been clawed in the dangly region but I have been sniffed at quite often. Very embarrassing rather than amusing. At least I didn't have a Fawlty Towers bandage around me edd, though. Worthy of 5 pointy things, methinks.
     
  5. thesaint

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 1,230

    Location: loosing my mind slowly

    i sympathise for you mate but i am torn between laghing and cringing i am sorry the laughing has it :D :D :D :D :D
     
  6. The Edge

    Soldato

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 5,730

    Location: Birmingham

    definate roffle.

    and 5 stars for your war wound :) :D
     
  7. Balrog

    PermaBanned

    Joined: 7 Jan 2003

    Posts: 406

    Location: Poole

    OK. You got me, this is so funny. Forget what I said here. Perhaps I was being over serious.
     
  8. Busby

    Banned

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 1,486

    Location: Newport

    OMG thats hillarious :D

    Be glad you didn't get a dog I suppose :)
     
  9. Werewolf

    Commissario

    Joined: 17 Oct 2002

    Posts: 28,607

    Location: Panting like a fiend

    why am i laughing like a loon, whilst wincing?:D


    I can understand your embarassment about that, alhtopugh i bet the paramedics had a great laugh about it.


    Just one question, does the wife ever bring it up as a "funny story"?
     
  10. PurDunamis

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 1,179

    Location: Messing with a Nd:YAG, DCM and a Raman Shifter

    PMSL:D

    laughing while crossing my legs here:D
     
  11. Bod

    Mobster

    Joined: 17 Oct 2002

    Posts: 3,547

    Location: Black Pudding Land

    Similar thing actually happened to me.

    Well, OK, its nothing like it, but has a similar outcome.

    Was in a club one night, after a very heavy drinking session, and nipped to the loo. Well the floors were very slippy, I was very drunk, and there were broken bottles everywhere.

    I slipped, cut my hand open quite seriously, and the bouncers refused to help.

    My wife then decided to get me into a taxi and home.

    Being very drunk I couldnt undress myself, so my wife decided to help me. Unfortunately, halfway through, I passed out. Topless and with my trousers round my ankles, with all sundry on show. As I had passed out, and breathing was shallow, she then got worried and called the doctor, who advised her to call an ambulance.

    She then tried to pull my pants back up, but, being a 19 stone deadweight, she couldnt.
    Unfortunately, they arrived, woke me out of my drunken, blood loss nap, and had to stifle the giggles themselves at the sight of my half undressed naked body. Especially with all the wierd drunken conversations I was having with myself.

    Its a good job I was absolutely 'tatered, or else I'd have been mightily embarassed.

    So I thank those two strong men for getting me dressed again, hehe.
     
  12. Snash

    Mobster

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 4,062

    Location: In the air with the balls

    Maybe I should get the NHS to employ your cat on the 19th Mr Blue:p

    A class yarn-have some stars:D
     
  13. iam

    PermaBanned

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 3,472

    Location: Wirral, Cheshire

    Thanks for sharing Bl00 :D

    Hehe - that was a mighty fine predicament you where in :D

    So... what did you do to the cat afterwards? ;) :p :D
     
  14. Rameses

    Sgarrista

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 8,453

    OMG That 2Blue has to be the funniest predicament I have read in a long time, since I believe it is true makes it even more memorable for us all...

    I hope you are ok now?.....

    I aint going to ask about the cat……..(RIP poor soul)
     
  15. Windle

    Capodecina

    Joined: 19 Oct 2002

    Posts: 14,155

    Location: Scotland

    Heh, Now thats a story and a half!

    I agree bout phoning in sick, it makes me feel bad (cos i do the rota so i usually have to deal with the staff phoning in) but when i fone in i have to speak to the managers and they usually have to cover for me. Even if i have a legitimate reason. What makes me laugh is the people who phone in sick and put on a 'sick' voice. All weak and quavery. Dunno bout you but usually when im ill i can talk fine.
     
  16. ExRayTed

    Underboss

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 7,687

    Location: Surrey

    Rofl..now that was funny,and well written sir.

    On the subject of phoning in sick,I always resented someone phoning on behalf of someone else.

    Unless I've been physically unable to get to the phone [never] I've always phoned in sick myself [once in 7 years..damnable toothache]
     
  17. DOOM

    Hitman

    Joined: 25 Nov 2002

    Posts: 922

    Location: UK,brentwood,essex

    LMAO
    "sorry i cant come into work today because i banged my head badly cos my new kitten was playing with my ball's while i was under the kitchen sink"

    Thats not hard to say :D
     
  18. singist

    Mobster

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 4,446

    Location: Student Hell Headingley

    Sorry but that really made me laugh out loud! :D

    You have my full sypathy now that I've recovered ......................

    .......................................................... I'm trying to suppress ..........

    hehe................. lol.

    Wanders off to hide.............. :D
     
  19. Rotty

    Don

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 40,505

    Location: Notts

    Oops , took me 10 mins to type a reply , I couldnt see for laughing so much :p , sure it easnt funny at the time though , well it probably was actually :D
     
  20. wassap

    PermaBanned

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 12,337

    /Seriously trying to resist pussy jokes:p :D

    Ohhhh its got me wincing tho:eek: