2 years ago my grandad died of a heart attack brought about by a genetic condition he had, 2 weeks ago my mum got very ill and when tested was found to have the same defect. I am scared I am going to lose her. My dad is severely depressed after his divorce. Mental illness, particularly depression, runs in his family - In the last 30 years 8 people on his side of the family have been diagnosed with severe depression and 6 of them commited suicide. I'm scared I'll lose him too. A year ago my little sister attempted suicide by swallong 30 paracetamol pills but was luckily gotten to the hospital in time. Even now she has severe mood swings and is almost completely off the rails despite the professional help she has. I am frightened that one day I'll get a call and she will have been found in a ditch somewhere. My older sister gets quite depressed and is away at uni, she doesn't like coming home because everything is so messed up. If she does come home she gets into fights with my younger sister. Its like I already lost her. I try and keep everything together, and most of the time I sort of manage by just acting like a clown and pretending like it doesn't matter. Tonight I was out with my friends in a bar in town and I noticed that everybody had someone and I was alone. I have a 'friend' who is trying to convince me she wants to be friends whilst simultaneously acting like she wants more, I am completely in love with her. I can't say anything because I am afraid I'll lose her as well. I had an amazing friend for a while who I told everything to, she really helped me out before falling for me and deciding that she couldn't see me any more. So I already lost her. My best mate lost his brother last year to suicide, I was there that evening so he doesn't really like seeing me because it reminds him of the stuff that happened, so thats someone else I have lost. I feel like I am in a hole and sometimes I think it would be easier to just give up. Everyday is a struggle to even get out of bed.