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illegal cheese

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by VeNT, 27 Jul 2006.

  1. VeNT

    Capodecina

    Joined: 9 Jan 2003

    Posts: 20,695

    Location: Cornwall

    Just got sent a link to a page in http://www.sanfranmag.com/ was going to direct link here but its got one swarie in it, so I'll post the whole thing here with edits.

    having read it I found it quite ammusing, dunno if you'll feel the same but thats up to you.

    if any UB/Don etc see a swarie that I've missed (sure there was just one, and that was a quote) can they edit it rather than bannorzing me pls!

    enjoy.

     
  2. Nitefly

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 24 Sep 2005

    Posts: 33,847

    Ha, that was good :D

    Now where is that OCUK thread on 'Sorry, buying this cheese is illeagal, you are not 18'?

    (I still can't find it....)
     
  3. gord

    Capodecina

    Joined: 18 Oct 2003

    Posts: 19,338

    Location: Midlands

    I thought that was what this was about.. wasnt that VIRII or someone who got told he wasnt old enough to buy the cheese. :p
     
  4. penski

    PermaBanned

    Joined: 9 May 2005

    Posts: 20,834

    Location: NE8

    Not VIRII - he's ooooold ;)

    Good article though. Very good.

    I'm a bit of a cheese pervert ;)

    *n
     
  5. JohnnyG

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 19 Nov 2002

    Posts: 18,963

    Location: Over land and sea.

    'Twas Scuzi, he's legally too young for everything:)
     
  6. G-MAN2004

    Caporegime

    Joined: 4 Jul 2004

    Posts: 30,242

    That cheese sounds nice, mmmmm.
     
  7. "andy"

    Capodecina

    Joined: 9 Jun 2005

    Posts: 13,904

    extreme cheedar "for adults only"

    legend of a thread that was
     
  8. VIRII

    PermaBanned

    Joined: 24 Jul 2003

    Posts: 30,259

    Not since about 1980 :p
     
  9. rpstewart

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 11 Mar 2003

    Posts: 10,746

    Location: Greenock, Scotland

    Trust me, it is....

    Might need to take a trip to my local deli now.
     
  10. PsiFox

    Mobster

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 3,798

    Location: Somewhere in the U.K.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Good Morning.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Ah, thank you my good man.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    What can I do for you, sir?

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Peckish, sir?

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Esurient.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Eh?

    MOUSEBENDER:
    (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I were all hungry, like.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Ah, hungry.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Come again?

    MOUSEBENDER:
    I want to buy some cheese.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Sorry?

    MOUSEBENDER:
    (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Ooo, I like a nice tune - you're forced to.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    So he can go on playing, can he?

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Most certainly. Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Certainly, sir. What would you like?

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Oh never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get it fresh on Monday.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Bel Paese?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Sorry, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Red Windsor?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Ah. Stilton?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Sorry.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Emmental? Gruyère?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Any Norwegian Jarlsberger, per chance?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Liptauer?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Lancashire?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    White Stilton?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Danish Blue?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Double Gloucester?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    ..... No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Cheshire?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Dorset Blue Vinney?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l'Évêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Bresse-Bleu, Boursin?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Camembert, perhaps?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Ah! We have Camembert, yes sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    You do! Excellent.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit runny.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Oh, I like it runny.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Well, it's very runny, actually, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    No matter. Fetch hither le fromage de la Belle France! M-mmm!

    WENSLEYDALE:
    I think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    I don't care how ******* runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Oh .....

    MOUSEBENDER:
    What now?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    The cat's eaten it.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Has he?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    She, sir.

    (pause)

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Gouda?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Edam?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Caithness?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Smoked Austrian?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Japanese Sage Darby?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    You do have some cheese, do you?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got .....

    MOUSEBENDER:
    No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Fair enough.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Er, Wensleydale?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Yes?

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Ah, well, I'll have some of that.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mr Wensleydale, that's my name.

    (pause)


    MOUSEBENDER:
    Greek Feta?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Ah, not as such.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Er, Gorgonzola?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Parmesan?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Mozzarella?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Pippo Crème?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Danish Fimboe?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Czech sheep's milk?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Not today, sir, no.

    (pause)
    MOUSEBENDER:
    Ah, how about Cheddar?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Not much ca- It's the single most popular cheese in the world!

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Not round here, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    And what is the most popular cheese round here?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Ilchester, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Is it.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Is it.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    It's our number-one best seller, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    I see. Ah, Ilchester, eh?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Right, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Finest in the district, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Well, it's so clean, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    You haven't asked me about Limberger, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Is it worth it?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Could be.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!

    WENSLEYDALE:
    (To dancers) Told you so.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Have you got any Limburger?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Yes, sir?

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Yes, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Really?

    (pause)
    WENSLEYDALE:
    No. Not really, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    You haven't.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    No, sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

    WENSLEYDALE:
    Right-O, sir.

    MOUSEBENDER:
    (Shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.
     
  11. VeNT

    Capodecina

    Joined: 9 Jan 2003

    Posts: 20,695

    Location: Cornwall

    *VeNT wees himself laughing!
     
  12. PsiFox

    Mobster

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 3,798

    Location: Somewhere in the U.K.

    Thank Monty Python :D
     
  13. VeNT

    Capodecina

    Joined: 9 Jan 2003

    Posts: 20,695

    Location: Cornwall

    thought as much.
     
  14. PsiFox

    Mobster

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 3,798

    Location: Somewhere in the U.K.

    John Cleese as Mousebender
    Michael Palin as Wensleydale
     
  15. VeNT

    Capodecina

    Joined: 9 Jan 2003

    Posts: 20,695

    Location: Cornwall

    yeah, think I've seen it
     
  16. PaulStat

    Soldato

    Joined: 1 Mar 2003

    Posts: 5,445

    Location: Cotham, Bristol

    hehe i haven't seen that sketch but i imagined those two playing the exact same characters :D BRILLIANT!!
     
  17. PsiFox

    Mobster

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 3,798

    Location: Somewhere in the U.K.

    You can find a vid on the net but as it contains 1 sweary I'll leave it upto to you.
     
  18. D4VE

    Sgarrista

    Joined: 23 Oct 2003

    Posts: 8,899

    Location: Hampshire, UK

    haha :D Brilliant, highly amusing read.
     
  19. jimblowscash

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 18 Apr 2006

    Posts: 1,174

    Location: london

    good find fella, thats going on my site!

    its one of the very few thingds the french do well.....apart from going on strike!
     
  20. bitslice

    PermaBanned

    Joined: 18 May 2006

    Posts: 9,041

    It's only recently been decided that muslims can eat cheese.

    umm, what a pointless life it is if you need a bunch of beardies to decide if cheese is OK or not. :rolleyes:

    it's the kind of thing that'll make you want to loose a few rockets. (while playing quake)


    .