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It's old, almost certainly a repost...am i bovvard tho?!

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Sic, 8 Mar 2006.

  1. Sic

    Capodecina

    Joined: 9 Nov 2004

    Posts: 15,365

    Location: SO16

    i always find this really funny. the last hour of my day is dragging. have a read:

    Gripe Sheet
    After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet,"
    which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
    correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
    review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas'
    pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S)
    by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline
    that has never had an accident.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
    descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
    pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.
     
    Last edited: 8 Mar 2006
  2. G-MAN2004

    Caporegime

    Joined: 4 Jul 2004

    Posts: 30,236

    Lol wtf? Are you serious they are real?
     
  3. Sic

    Capodecina

    Joined: 9 Nov 2004

    Posts: 15,365

    Location: SO16

    i dunno if they're real, sorry. i just know that they make me laugh every time :D
     
  4. Serj

    Mobster

    Joined: 18 Nov 2004

    Posts: 3,581

    Location: Bournemouth

    Rofl, they're new to me!
     
  5. Vonhelmet

    Caporegime

    Joined: 28 Jun 2005

    Posts: 48,107

    Location: On the hoods

    Yeah, I've seen them before, but they are class.

    Seen some classic bits of air traffic control dialogue too... will go googling for it...
     
  6. cleanbluesky

    Capodecina

    Joined: 2 Nov 2004

    Posts: 24,654

    They made me laugh... I haven't need it before, but have a token 'welcome to last week'
     
  7. Sic

    Capodecina

    Joined: 9 Nov 2004

    Posts: 15,365

    Location: SO16

    oooooh, he's using the naughty phrase!!!
     
  8. ElRazur

    Capodecina

    Joined: 15 Mar 2005

    Posts: 10,439

    Location: I am everywhere...

    Seen it before but it is STILL funny!! :p
     
  9. afraser2k

    Sgarrista

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 7,516

    Location: Glasgow

    Poor midget losing his hammer. :(
     
  10. Gilly

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 17 Oct 2002

    Posts: 95,526

    Location: I'm back baby!

    You coulda removed the >'s
     
  11. Sic

    Capodecina

    Joined: 9 Nov 2004

    Posts: 15,365

    Location: SO16

    i could've, but i wanted you to post complaining about them. so i didnt.

    just for you, i have 8 minutes left at work.
     
  12. Vonhelmet

    Caporegime

    Joined: 28 Jun 2005

    Posts: 48,107

    Location: On the hoods

    Ah, found them... these are class... again, possibly not genuine, but very amusing nonetheless...

    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
    Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

    *

    "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
    "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
    "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

    *

    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm ******* bored!"
    Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was ******* bored, not ******* stupid!"

    *

    Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
    United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

    *

    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

    *

    A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

    *

    Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
    Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

    *

    Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
    Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
    Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
    Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

    *

    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

    *

    Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

    Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

    *

    Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
    "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
    "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

    US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
     
    Last edited: 8 Mar 2006
  13. Gilly

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 17 Oct 2002

    Posts: 95,526

    Location: I'm back baby!

    I've been home for 12
     
  14. Sic

    Capodecina

    Joined: 9 Nov 2004

    Posts: 15,365

    Location: SO16

    then why didnt you do it? :p
     
  15. Dazzy_G

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 6 Jan 2005

    Posts: 1,338

    Location: Thurrock, Essex

    hehehe funny stuff well done
     
  16. Roberta

    Mobster

    Joined: 27 Mar 2004

    Posts: 4,756

    Location: Swansea

    Loved it, nicked it.
     
  17. Scuzi

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 19,833

    Location: Екатеринбург

    "Speedbird813, bring your speed right back to 220 knots now, there's a KLM Fokker 50 ahead, expect a short delay at Lambourne"

    "Dutch Fokker............(short pause) 220Kts, Speedbird813"



    :D
     
  18. Lt. Manlove

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 2 Oct 2003

    Posts: 2,121

    Location: Chester

    ROFL vonhelmet, quality!!! :D
     
  19. Luseac

    Mobster

    Joined: 23 Jun 2005

    Posts: 3,751

    Location: York

    ROFL :D
     
  20. Goliath

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 20 Aug 2003

    Posts: 2,139

    Location: The Republic

    Might as well continue in the same vein

    Actual (allegedly) crew announcements:

    "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

    After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

    From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child... pick your favorite.

    Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

    "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments"

    Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

    "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

    "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

    "Last one off the plane must clean it."

    And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

    Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants 'fault...it was the asphalt!"

    Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
    "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
    "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said,
    "Did we land or were we shot down?"

    After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

    Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."