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joke

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Norbert666, 11 May 2006.

  1. Norbert666

    Soldato

    Joined: 22 Oct 2002

    Posts: 6,557

    Location: Essex, innit?

    An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

    He figures he'll have a little fun with the Kiwi.

    Ventriloquist: "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

    Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

    Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

    Dog: "Doin' all right."

    Villager: (look of extreme shock)

    Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

    Dog: "Yep"

    Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

    Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

    Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

    Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

    Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

    Horse: "Cool"

    Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

    Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

    Horse: "Yep"

    Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

    Villager: (total look of amazement)

    Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

    Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a bloody liar!"
     
  2. VeNT

    Capodecina

    Joined: 9 Jan 2003

    Posts: 20,685

    Location: Cornwall

    rofl
    nice one, where you nick it from?
     
  3. nands

    Mobster

    Joined: 16 Mar 2006

    Posts: 3,279

    Last time I heard that it featured a Welsh farmer...
     
  4. SeriousPigeon

    Hitman

    Joined: 1 Aug 2003

    Posts: 591

    Passable.
     
  5. Zip

    Capodecina

    Joined: 26 Jun 2005

    Posts: 20,224

    Location: Australia

    Its funny because its probably a true story :D
     
  6. Freefaller

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 5 Jun 2003

    Posts: 87,181

    Location: Falling...

    Same, but it still gets me smiling! :)
     
  7. G18241

    Soldato

    Joined: 3 Mar 2004

    Posts: 7,341

    Location: Sheffield

    a very rare funny joke :)
     
  8. volospian

    Mobster

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 4,457

    Location: between Blandford Street and Mars

    I don't really get it. The first two animals gave a glowing report of their owner. If the owner really treated them that well, he would hardly treat the sheep bad and if he didn't treat them that well, but they appeared to be saying that he did, why would he suspect that the sheep would say any different?
     
  9. Zip

    Capodecina

    Joined: 26 Jun 2005

    Posts: 20,224

    Location: Australia

    Because New Zealanders shag sheep :p
     
  10. PFG

    Hitman

    Joined: 19 Jul 2004

    Posts: 870

    U read that joke incorrectly
     
  11. basmic

    PermaBanned

    Joined: 10 Apr 2004

    Posts: 13,144

    Location: Darlington, County Durham

    Think of the farmer lifting the sheep's tail, while holding onto the sheep's body with velcro gloves. :D
     
  12. volospian

    Mobster

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 4,457

    Location: between Blandford Street and Mars

    Oh, I see
     
  13. Dj_Jestar

    Caporegime

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 29,017

    Location: Back in East London

    Kiwi's are infamous for the same thing as Welshies.
     
  14. Zip

    Capodecina

    Joined: 26 Jun 2005

    Posts: 20,224

    Location: Australia

    Down here sheep dont come with tails, They get cut off when they are young.
    Easy access for the farmers :p
    New Zealand farmers that is :D

    (The real reason is to stop sheep getting flyblown)
     
  15. MoNkeE

    Sgarrista

    Joined: 18 Dec 2004

    Posts: 9,098

    Location: NE England (Durham)

    Haha, the fact people thought he was being serious was nearly as good as the original joke (which was good by the way)!

    -RaZ
     
  16. rmt

    Gangster

    Joined: 29 Apr 2003

    Posts: 158

    Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work.

    "Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this
    gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."

    "What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

    "Well, I invited her over to mine, we had a couple of drinks, we got
    into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes
    off."

    "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

    "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk
    next to my new laptop."

    "Really? You got a new laptop?"
     
  17. volospian

    Mobster

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 4,457

    Location: between Blandford Street and Mars

    lol, I like that one ^^^ :D
     
  18. MoNkeE

    Sgarrista

    Joined: 18 Dec 2004

    Posts: 9,098

    Location: NE England (Durham)

    Tanfastic!

    -RaZ
     
  19. Takhisis

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 5 Jan 2005

    Posts: 1,887

    Location: Portsmouth, UK

    A friend posted this elsewhere and I thought it was quite good - not good enough for its own thread but good enough for a thread resurrection :D (I just went looking for the most recent "joke" thread :o )

    The Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

    "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.

    The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50 Pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

    Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

    "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

    He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20 Pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it.

    "Sweet Mudder o’ Jasus, Maggie! Where the **** are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

    The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love o’ Jasus 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."


    Be carefuly when you copy and paste jokes for any swearing. FF
     
  20. Chunky

    Hitman

    Joined: 26 Oct 2005

    Posts: 570

    ROFL