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Letters sent to editors but never published...

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Richdog, 25 May 2006.

  1. Richdog

    Caporegime

    Joined: 8 Sep 2005

    Posts: 26,147

    Location: Utopia

    Got these today in an email and thought they were worth sharing, hope I edited all the bad stuff out... :)


    Letters sent to editors but never published...

    Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports Personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. - Ben Hunt

    The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. - John

    'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. - Colum Hill

    I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. - L Palmer, London

    The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. - P Boddington, Ringway

    Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's flange. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? - P, Leeds

    It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt. - Paul Mulraney, Belfast

    On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '****'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? - Noel, Leeds

    My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? - Alun Daniel

    I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. - Alan Thakray

    Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original? - J. Hinckley, Leicester

    On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chip Shop on the Gloucester Road. - Alan J., London

    Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. - T Barnham, London

    The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? - John Campbell, e-mail

    Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. - Mike Woods, e-mail

    With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twit quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. - Shuggie, Email

    Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. - Chris Scaife, Jesmond

    I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? - Dave Owen, Edinburgh

    I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.- Stan

    What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. - Thomas J
     
  2. Sirrel Squirrel

    Sgarrista

    Joined: 5 Aug 2003

    Posts: 7,847

    Location: Essex

    :D Like that one
     
  3. SexyBetty

    Mobster

    Joined: 10 Jun 2005

    Posts: 3,427

    Shouldnt the title read "Viz Letters?" :D

    Still good though :D
     
  4. ElRazur

    Capodecina

    Joined: 15 Mar 2005

    Posts: 10,439

    Location: I am everywhere...

    Best of the bunch! lol
     
  5. da_mic_1530

    Sgarrista

    Joined: 31 Oct 2005

    Posts: 8,576

    Location: Leeds

    every single one is a gem :D
     
  6. Psyk

    Sgarrista

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 8,444

    Location: Leamington Spa

    That's my fave :D
     
  7. Foghorn Leghorn

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 5 Jul 2003

    Posts: 2,414

    Location: Cheshire

    :D

    Fantastic

    Fog
     
  8. Raymond Lin

    Capo Crimine

    Joined: 20 Oct 2002

    Posts: 66,699

    Location: Wish i was in .Lethal's house

    I actually agree with that.
     
  9. William

    Capodecina

    Joined: 26 Jul 2003

    Posts: 10,948

    Location: Derby


    Ahhhahaha my ribs! :D
     
  10. Amp34

    Caporegime

    Joined: 25 Jul 2005

    Posts: 28,867

    Location: Canada

    Excellent! A truly funny thread in GD, is the world going to end tomorrow? :p
     
  11. William

    Capodecina

    Joined: 26 Jul 2003

    Posts: 10,948

    Location: Derby

    I really don't know, this last week, GD has actually been worth being in. :D
     
  12. DarkShadow

    Capodecina

    Joined: 14 Apr 2004

    Posts: 11,741

    Location: Sheffield

    Great list! :D
     
  13. kaks

    Associate

    Joined: 14 Apr 2006

    Posts: 81


    This has to be my favourite as it sums up exactly how the rest of the world sees England.. Lets not mention 1966 again lads eh.. It has got a little old.. If I mention Liverpool dominating the 80's I am told to STFU..
     
  14. Richdog

    Caporegime

    Joined: 8 Sep 2005

    Posts: 26,147

    Location: Utopia

    This and the Peter Andre one are my faves. :D
     
  15. MarcLister

    Capodecina

    Joined: 7 Mar 2005

    Posts: 18,945

    Location: LU7

    Just read this list and apart from the Cricketing one and the Peter Andre/Jordan one I might make this into some sigs for another site I use and perhaps this one too.

    The mail order bride and Stephen Hawking ones are my favourites but to be truthfully honest they are all brilliant.
     
  16. robmiller

    Capodecina

    Joined: 26 Dec 2003

    Posts: 16,522

    Location: London

    You should all read the Letterbocks section of Viz :cool:
     
  17. MarcLister

    Capodecina

    Joined: 7 Mar 2005

    Posts: 18,945

    Location: LU7

    Letterbocks? Is that a typo or is it meant to be like that? I've never seen Viz anywhere in my life. Is it a subscription only mag?

    Someone on another forum uses Viz for his signature quotes; he regularly has some crackers there. The best he ever used was something about bus drivers putting a brick on the gas pedal so they could go and talk with the passengers.:D
     
  18. Cookie-Monster

    Mobster

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 3,044

    Location: London

    working for a record company i love this one, its amazing how much money can be spent on 'Flowers' ......
     
  19. G|mp

    PermaBanned

    Joined: 10 Mar 2004

    Posts: 27,454

    Im absolutley ******* myself here :D

    The mrs has told me to STFU twice :D
     
  20. Duke

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 29 Jun 2003

    Posts: 33,648

    Location: Wiltshire

    lmao