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Long joke

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Duke, 10 Sep 2009.

  1. Duke

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 29 Jun 2003

    Posts: 33,594

    Location: Wiltshire

    Long read this one ;)

    Before Labour Government:

    The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

    The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

    The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.



    With Labour Government:

    The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

    The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

    A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

    The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

    The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

    The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'.

    Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

    In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

    The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

    Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.

    The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

    A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.

    The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.

    The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

    A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain 's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

    The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister.

    The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

    The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.


  2. Viper²


    Joined: 3 Apr 2007

    Posts: 9,979

  3. Russinating


    Joined: 27 Dec 2005

    Posts: 16,276

    Location: Bristol

    Can someone tell us if it's funny first?
  4. Yas786


    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 48,454

    Location: All over the world...

    I lost interest after the first paragraph tbqh:p.
  5. nex20

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 6 Jan 2009

    Posts: 1,670

    Location: England

    Yeah, gave up reading. Is it funny?
  6. iamdjdz


    Joined: 24 Nov 2006

    Posts: 4,536

    I've read this before and I can confirm to you that it is mildly amusing, it may bring somewhat of a warm smile to your face during and after reading once you determine its direction. However it will most likely not make you laugh heartily.
  7. chrisxuk


    Joined: 24 Nov 2008

    Posts: 3,742

    Location: ctf_2Fort

    I think i'll give it a miss then.
  8. Tute


    Joined: 24 Jul 2004

    Posts: 22,313

    Location: Devon, UK

    It's absolutely true. ;)
  9. markweatherill


    Joined: 16 Jun 2009

    Posts: 2,567

    Location: Bucks

    Right on! That's just too subtle. Or not.
  10. waxapple


    Joined: 6 Jul 2006

    Posts: 650

    It's more of a poorly informed whimsical political rant than a joke.
  11. V4NT0M


    Joined: 18 Jan 2007

    Posts: 19,688

    Location: Land of the Scots

    Any joke that is that long cannot be funny, and if it is funny it could have been done in a shorter joke.
  12. Nix


    Joined: 26 Dec 2005

    Posts: 19,841

    For shame Pete. For shame.
  13. SlyReaper


    Joined: 26 Apr 2008

    Posts: 6,502

    Location: Bristol, Old Blighty

    It can basically be summed up with: "Labour are socialist and they suck lol"
  14. Duke

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 29 Jun 2003

    Posts: 33,594

    Location: Wiltshire

    And I thought you would like the political type jokes ;)
  15. gillywibble

    Capo Crimine

    Joined: 28 Jun 2007

    Posts: 52,814

    Location: Tamworth, UK

    It would have been better in the medium of Dance.
  16. PlacidCasual


    Joined: 13 May 2003

    Posts: 6,744

    Quoted for truth.
  17. mrk

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 86,881

    Location: South Coast

    A squirrel jumps in front of a car and dies.

  18. Nix


    Joined: 26 Dec 2005

    Posts: 19,841

    I do when they have a point or even a touch of humour mate.

    That 'joke' is just the poor generic ranting of some right-wing, elitist sycophant. It's basically what I'd expect from a 14 year-old who thinks they know everything about politics despite never doing a hard day's work in their life. I can actually see them huffing away, smirking and pushing their glasses back up their nose as they sit back feeling pretty damn contented about themselves after writing that.

    "Yeaaah, aren't I amazing."

    Last edited: 10 Sep 2009
  19. Duke

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 29 Jun 2003

    Posts: 33,594

    Location: Wiltshire

    I like turtles!
  20. Nix


    Joined: 26 Dec 2005

    Posts: 19,841

    I know you do.

    *pats head*