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My bladder knows I'm home...!

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Chong Warrior, 6 Jun 2006.

  1. Chong Warrior


    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 12,062

    Location: Manchester

    My bladder knows I'm Home!

    Arriving home yesterday evening, as I usually do, I felt the sudden urge to pee. What luck, I thought. And here I am just yards away from the back door. Suddenly it occurs to me: my bladder knows I'm home!

    I double my pace to the door and fumble through my coat pocket for my keys.

    There are no keys in my coat pocket.

    Me: Bladder - please ignore the information sent by Brain. Hands are unable to locate my keys and it will be a few more minutes before you will be able to void yourself.

    Bladder: I'm sorry, but vision central is still reporting that we are standing rigth outside the back door. Intelligence reports from yesterday that it took less than 30 seconds to get from back door to bathroom.

    Me: But I can't find the keys.

    Bladder: Not my problem. Starting countdown to elimination: 10... 9... 8...

    Me: How about if I tie the evacuation route into a knot, forcing a catastrophic backup? That makes it your problem.

    Penis: Wha...?

    Bladder: I've checked with Brain about this, and we think you're bluffing.

    Hand: reaches into pants...

    Bladder: Okay okay! I'll give you another 60 seconds. But that's it.

    Encrypted transmission to Penis: Sorry to scare you like that, but it was necessary. I'll make it up to you later tonight.

    Penis: Whew.

    Me: Hands, how's it going with the search for keys?

    Hands: Well they're not in your pocket, where else did you want us to check?

    Me: Everywhere! We've only got 60 seconds before Bladder starts his countdown again. Hurry!

    Hands: Roger will-do.

    Bladder: How's it going up there? 45 seconds left!

    Me: Stop distracting me. And turn off that music. I can't concentrate.

    Legs: Let's go slightly crossed and start dancing. That always helps.

    Me: No it doesn't help. It just makes me look foolish.

    Brain: Hands are reporting they've found the keys in your shoulder bag. We should be all set now.

    Bladder: I heard that. Resuming countdown. 10... 9... 8...

    Vision Central: The back door key isn't on this ring. Hands picked up the wrong key ring this morning.

    Hands: Vision Central didn't have a problem with that this morning.

    Vision Central: It was dark.

    Hands: Was not.

    Vision Central: Was too.

    Brain: ENOUGH! What keys are on this ring?

    Vision Central: Front door and mailbox.

    Brain: Legs: To the front door, on the double!

    Bladder: Or the mailbox.

    Me: Don't even think about it. The mailman hates me enough as it is.

    Legs: Approaching front door, ETA 12 seconds.

    Hands: Wait! We've dropped the shoulder bag!


    Hands: Front door in rage, keys inserted, lock released.

    Brain: Hands, start working on the pants. There's a button and a zipper that needs to be disabled before we reach the evacuation point. Can you handle that?

    Hands: No sweat, done it a million times.

    Legs: We're in! ETA to bathroom: 5 seconds.

    Vision Central: Watch out for the cat!

    Cat: Meow!

    Vision Central: Target in range.

    Penis: Do we have a lock on the target yet? Last time I let go without target acquisition, Hands and Knees were busy cleaning for a half hour afterward.

    Brain: Okay target has been acquired. FIRE!

    Mouth: OOOOOOOOOOOaaaaaaaahhh!

    Me: Whew, that was a close call. How long is this going to take?

    Bladder: At least 12 more seconds. I'm pretty full.

    Me: OK. Anyway Hands and Knees probably should get busy later, this place is a dump.

    Colon Control: Did somebody say "dump"? Starting countdown: 10... 9... 8...

  2. dymetrie

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 19 Jul 2005

    Posts: 2,160

    Location: Lonetrek


    classic :)

    was the shoulderbag retreived? did hands and knees get busy with the cleaning? was colon control thoroughly bluffed?

  3. jezsoup


    Joined: 9 Jun 2004

    Posts: 3,024

    Location: Bradford

    This mans speaks the truth!!!!!!!!
  4. Zefan


    Joined: 15 Jan 2006

    Posts: 30,292

    Location: Tosche Station

    Happens to me ALL the time.
  5. Belmit

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 7 Nov 2002

    Posts: 7,612

    Location: The Winchester

    This is the sort of thread GD cries out for. Five special stars from me.

    I especially like the Karl Pilkington way of thinking, that a person and their brain are two separate entities. :D
  6. alexakasloth


    Joined: 13 Aug 2004

    Posts: 7,705

    Location: Sussex

    Roffle good read :D
  7. SideWinder


    Joined: 12 Jun 2004

    Posts: 149,359

    Location: NW5

  8. Tru


    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 2,959

    Location: OcUK Peoples Champion

    Haha, quality punchline.
  9. pyro


    Joined: 23 Nov 2002

    Posts: 16,167

    Heh :p
  10. EVH


    Joined: 11 Mar 2004

    Posts: 27,624

    I like the encrypted messages lol

    I've also noticed how carrier bag handles seem to give-out when you get home from a shopping trip with a mound of large bags
  11. ElRazur


    Joined: 15 Mar 2005

    Posts: 10,439

    Location: I am everywhere...

    Nice, it should be made into a 5-minute movie or animation... :cool:
  12. SteveOBHave


    Joined: 31 Mar 2006

    Posts: 6,588

    Location: Sydney Australia

    LOL, mine is always about halfway home from work... dying to go by the time I get in the door... I figure there is a magical spot that gets you when you are out of close range of a toilet :)
  13. Otacon


    Joined: 10 Jan 2004

    Posts: 21,923

    Location: All over

    Top notch [​IMG]
  14. Street


    Joined: 17 Jan 2005

    Posts: 7,817

    Location: Liverpool

    Gave me a good chuckle :D
  15. da_mic_1530


    Joined: 31 Oct 2005

    Posts: 8,562

    Location: Leeds

    lmao the amount of times thats happened
  16. Errol

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 7 Jan 2005

    Posts: 2,178

    You people are sick.
  17. ElRazur


    Joined: 15 Mar 2005

    Posts: 10,439

    Location: I am everywhere...

    No we see the funny side of it. You, need help instead.
  18. Zip


    Joined: 26 Jun 2005

    Posts: 20,224

    Location: Australia

    Very funny. 5 stars :D
  19. Kerplunk


    Joined: 10 Jan 2006

    Posts: 8,948

    Location: Bournemouth tbh

    PMSL :D
  20. Davey_Pitch

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 17 Oct 2002

    Posts: 17,925

    Location: Liverpool, UK

    Excellent, very good :)