Permabanned
I dont wana rain on your parade but iv had nothing but bad experiances with relation to Fostering, its outcomes have led me to disagree with the whole thing when it comes to adopting a kid into an already functioning family.
Our Fostering Journey - Continued
- Thread starter Admiral Huddy
- Start date
willd58 said:
No that's fine but please expand if you can.
Permabanned
Introducing a child into a family that already has children, is, imho, asking for it. I have known of 3 instances of this, 2 of which came out terrible, the other of which allmost as bad.Admiral Huddy said:
The first 2 sets allmost the exact same thing happned when it came to the family estate (you know, parents leaving children money after there dead and what not)
One of these sets does include my family sitchuation, so bare in mind whilst i am going to try and type this out as fairly as possible, just thinking about my fosterd older brothers and sisters gets my blood boiling.
Basically, i have 2 older fosterd siblings from my dads side of the family (his first wife couldnt have kids.) Now, when they turned 18 (both at similar times) they packed off and left my dad who was going threw a divorce with not a single word of thanks and some very spitefull remarks, and left there whole version of my dads ex family, leaving my dad with no one.
My dad meets my mum, has me and my younger sister, were a happy family
Then out of no where, after 20 odd years, the fosterd daughter contacts my dad via the phone asking for money, my dad being the caring guy he is, gave it to her because, and im sure youll get this (i can imagine but dont quite get it at this age and never being a father of any kind) he still thought of her as his daughter even after what her and her bro did to him. (my dads an awsome guy you see
)She has, in the past 3 years, tried to get him away from my mother (my mum over heard her) spread lies to my little sisters about the whole family my dads now in (mainly about my mum, my dads wife and the mother of his biological children) and tried to get herself into the family estate via the will (my dads quite old)
Hes not falling for it one bit, but at the same time feels sorry for her, so whilst hes keeping her at arms length, he is treating her a little bit, and whilst i can understand this, i am very annoyed at her for all the upset she has caused.
Thats my experiance with them first hand, the other 2 experiances from other people i know about, resulted in the fosterd children leaving there foster parents without a single thought of thanks or remaining in the family once they had been brought up, and didnt see a benefit to being part of a family anymore.
In one of these 2 instances, like with my sitchuation, the foster child has come back, after the foster parents have passed away, and tried to claim a stake in the family estate against the biological children, after many years of no contact and diserting the fosterers. Its going threw the courts at this point and the out come is uncertain.
So, there we have it, 3 of my experiances, 3 out of 3 very negative ones im sure youll agree.
Dont get me wrong, i think adoption is grand for couples who cant have kids of there own, and who want family's, either big or small, but mixing adopted children with non adopted ones. Well, i myself cannot see it working well. I know even at this, the grand old age of 20, if my parents were to adopt another kid my selfish human streak would kick in and wonder what that meant for me.
Maybe thats because i am selfish and nasty, maybe im just bitter about my experiances. I dunno. I wish you the best of luck no matter what you choose to do.
well time for the reality check - we now have our first child in our care for a week..
It's a good oppertunity before embarking on anything more long term.
It's a good oppertunity before embarking on anything more long term.
Soldato
- Joined
- 14 Jun 2004
- Posts
- 5,432
Thanks for the update Admiral Huddy i hope all goes well.
Soldato
Good luck with it, sure you'll do a fantastic job
Soldato
Good luck Huddy,
My wife and I went through the process for adoption and realise how invasive but necessary all the checks are giving a troubled child and even parent some respite is a very generous gift indeed.
My wife and I went through the process for adoption and realise how invasive but necessary all the checks are giving a troubled child and even parent some respite is a very generous gift indeed.
Soldato
Hi, how did it go then?
Myself and my g/f are considering fostering eventually, my g/f has always wanted to do it. She's currently a student nurse and at uni studying learning disabilities etc.
Could you add me to msn if you use it?
Wez'at'hotmail.co.uk
Thanks
Myself and my g/f are considering fostering eventually, my g/f has always wanted to do it. She's currently a student nurse and at uni studying learning disabilities etc.
Could you add me to msn if you use it?
Wez'at'hotmail.co.uk
Thanks
Soldato
I don't know you personally, but all the luck in the world, and I'm sure you will do/are doing a fantastic job.
Keep us updated
Keep us updated
We have a young lad with us at the moment who currently keeps running away. He has been with us for over a week now and his absconded every day and night so far except one.
Apparently, social services want to place him with his brother who is in a secure home but since he’s spending most of his time on the run they haven’t found the time to sort out the paper work to make this happen quicker.
Every night we have had the police round because we have to report him missing and each night we have to file a missing persons report and have a search of the house. We know he is going round his mum who lives in London. There is a court order in place that the mother should not be anywhere near him as she and his step-dad are heavy drug users and are constantly in and out of prison.
We have had terrible trouble trying to get in touch with his social worker. We need to find out what’s going to happen and try and get this sorted.. but apparently, his phone ran out of credit.. Have you ever heard of anything so bloody stupid!.. I was livid.. raging!! This kids life is at danger and he hasn’t got credit!!!!!!
I don’t blame the lad for running away but I’d wish he’d just tell us but he just goes. He has no money yet he manages to get where he wants to go. The police have raided his mothers flat and have brought him back to us every night.. What a waste of the tax payers money. This is a huge drain on police resources as it’s an 80 mile round trip each time. Surely, he’s best off in care nearer to home. At least then the police won’t have to keep dragging him back as far each time. Either that or speed up the red tape of his permanent care.
I have been quite tolerant with this lad but I’m getting a little fed up with him now. I said to him that if he stayed and didn’t run off, then id give him a ride on the back of my motorbike and I’ll take him fishing at the weekend. His face lit up and I was convinced that would be a good incentive to stay.. he disappeared the next morning.
I’m a bit worried about him being a influence on my own son. Bunking off school and all that. I doubt he would but it is a worry.
We haven’t seen him Since Tuesday night and haven’t heard a thing.
Apparently, social services want to place him with his brother who is in a secure home but since he’s spending most of his time on the run they haven’t found the time to sort out the paper work to make this happen quicker.
Every night we have had the police round because we have to report him missing and each night we have to file a missing persons report and have a search of the house. We know he is going round his mum who lives in London. There is a court order in place that the mother should not be anywhere near him as she and his step-dad are heavy drug users and are constantly in and out of prison.
We have had terrible trouble trying to get in touch with his social worker. We need to find out what’s going to happen and try and get this sorted.. but apparently, his phone ran out of credit.. Have you ever heard of anything so bloody stupid!.. I was livid.. raging!! This kids life is at danger and he hasn’t got credit!!!!!!
I don’t blame the lad for running away but I’d wish he’d just tell us but he just goes. He has no money yet he manages to get where he wants to go. The police have raided his mothers flat and have brought him back to us every night.. What a waste of the tax payers money. This is a huge drain on police resources as it’s an 80 mile round trip each time. Surely, he’s best off in care nearer to home. At least then the police won’t have to keep dragging him back as far each time. Either that or speed up the red tape of his permanent care.
I have been quite tolerant with this lad but I’m getting a little fed up with him now. I said to him that if he stayed and didn’t run off, then id give him a ride on the back of my motorbike and I’ll take him fishing at the weekend. His face lit up and I was convinced that would be a good incentive to stay.. he disappeared the next morning.
I’m a bit worried about him being a influence on my own son. Bunking off school and all that. I doubt he would but it is a worry.
We haven’t seen him Since Tuesday night and haven’t heard a thing.
Permabanned
Huddy, I just wanted to say your doing a great service. Hopefully you will get through to this lad in the limited time he is with you.
Best of luck.
Best of luck.
So how bad is this?
The lad we are looking after at the moment disappeared last Wednesday. We called the police, the fostering agency and his social worker (his assistant anyway) immediately. Since this is like the umpteenth time he’s absconded and each time his gone round his mums, we told them he is likely to be there.
We heard nothing for the rest of the day..
Thursday nothing..
Friday I get a phone call from his social worker asking me how he is getting on? Remember from above that this is the guy who didn’t have any credit in his phone.
“hmm he is not here”, I said. “he’s not been hear since Wednesday. Your assistant was notified on the day”.
“oh really, where do you think he is?”, he asked.
Too which I replied, “most likely to be round his mums were he has been the other half a dozen times he has done this”.
“oh dear”, he said. I’ve told him he is not allowed round there”.
“what do you expect?, he is a kid”, I answered angrily.
Further on in the conversation he asked me and I quote “What do you think I should do?”
I went nuts. Since when has any child listened to adult any reasoning?
I told him that this kid should be in care either at a children’s centre or a foster home nearer his mother with organised visits. At least then if he does abscond, he is within the same area and not 3 hours on the run. He’s only 12 for gods sake.
After being on the phone with this gut for over 30 minutes, I asked him to get back to me by the end of the day after he has decided what they are going to do with this lad. Guess what? I heard nothing..
Saturday nothing,
Sunday nothing.. until.. last night at 23:00 when we got a phone call from the agency paniking.. “We’ve found him”!!! “Oh really” I said.
“Can you come and pick him up?” I was asked.
“hmm….. No”, I said.
I told the agency that I didn’t think it was in the best interest of the child and his safety to be in our care. If came and collected him, he’d run away again the next day which meant him being on the road again for another 3 hours or so. I think he is best off in care nearer to his mum. At least then he’d only be on the run for 30 mins or so.
Crazy
The lad we are looking after at the moment disappeared last Wednesday. We called the police, the fostering agency and his social worker (his assistant anyway) immediately. Since this is like the umpteenth time he’s absconded and each time his gone round his mums, we told them he is likely to be there.
We heard nothing for the rest of the day..
Thursday nothing..
Friday I get a phone call from his social worker asking me how he is getting on? Remember from above that this is the guy who didn’t have any credit in his phone.
“hmm he is not here”, I said. “he’s not been hear since Wednesday. Your assistant was notified on the day”.
“oh really, where do you think he is?”, he asked.
Too which I replied, “most likely to be round his mums were he has been the other half a dozen times he has done this”.
“oh dear”, he said. I’ve told him he is not allowed round there”.
“what do you expect?, he is a kid”, I answered angrily.
Further on in the conversation he asked me and I quote “What do you think I should do?”
I went nuts. Since when has any child listened to adult any reasoning?
I told him that this kid should be in care either at a children’s centre or a foster home nearer his mother with organised visits. At least then if he does abscond, he is within the same area and not 3 hours on the run. He’s only 12 for gods sake.
After being on the phone with this gut for over 30 minutes, I asked him to get back to me by the end of the day after he has decided what they are going to do with this lad. Guess what? I heard nothing..
Saturday nothing,
Sunday nothing.. until.. last night at 23:00 when we got a phone call from the agency paniking.. “We’ve found him”!!! “Oh really” I said.
“Can you come and pick him up?” I was asked.
“hmm….. No”, I said.
I told the agency that I didn’t think it was in the best interest of the child and his safety to be in our care. If came and collected him, he’d run away again the next day which meant him being on the road again for another 3 hours or so. I think he is best off in care nearer to his mum. At least then he’d only be on the run for 30 mins or so.
Crazy
Man of Honour
Well done Huddy, you made the right choice.
In my experience foster kids often go AWOL and it is sometimes very difficult to communicate or reason with social services and agencies and they almost always try to lean on the carer or other agency or service to do the leg work when the fan goes brown.
Absolutely spot on.
In my experience foster kids often go AWOL and it is sometimes very difficult to communicate or reason with social services and agencies and they almost always try to lean on the carer or other agency or service to do the leg work when the fan goes brown.
Absolutely spot on.
well i've just come off the phone to the social services dept for over an hour.. They have permitted the boy to stay at his mums for the time being but he has to checked on twice a day.
At least now he is where he wants to be for the time being. It means he is safe from the streets so at less risk. Good new for everyone including the agency and the police..
I had to plea withhim to listen and see reasoning. . . I feel like i've achieved something today
At least now he is where he wants to be for the time being. It means he is safe from the streets so at less risk. Good new for everyone including the agency and the police..
I had to plea withhim to listen and see reasoning. . . I feel like i've achieved something today
bloody social workers!!
They phoned his mums last night to tell them what the new arrangements were without actually explaining why they were coming round.. The lad heard they were coming round and ran away thinking they were coming to take him away.. As a result, he was on the streets of London all night last night and was picked up by the Police at 4am...
So since he is still under our care, he was returned to us at 6am this morning.
I have given him a hard lecture this morning and I've made it quite clear to him that we are trying to help and that he is doing himself no favours by running. He was gutted when i told him why social services were coming round. I've aksed him to stay and consider what HE wants to do and i'll try and make it happen.
I have asked the agency and the social worker to come to Chelmsford and discuss the issue together with the lad.. but the social worker said if can't leave London until 3pm which means workoing past 5pm!!! Fine, i said. Your lack of commitemnt speaks volumes.. you may not get another chance to speak to him as he'l' most likely run away overnight.
So if you ever wonder how and why kids and up on the streets, there's one of the answers
They phoned his mums last night to tell them what the new arrangements were without actually explaining why they were coming round.. The lad heard they were coming round and ran away thinking they were coming to take him away.. As a result, he was on the streets of London all night last night and was picked up by the Police at 4am...
So since he is still under our care, he was returned to us at 6am this morning.
I have given him a hard lecture this morning and I've made it quite clear to him that we are trying to help and that he is doing himself no favours by running. He was gutted when i told him why social services were coming round. I've aksed him to stay and consider what HE wants to do and i'll try and make it happen.
I have asked the agency and the social worker to come to Chelmsford and discuss the issue together with the lad.. but the social worker said if can't leave London until 3pm which means workoing past 5pm!!! Fine, i said. Your lack of commitemnt speaks volumes.. you may not get another chance to speak to him as he'l' most likely run away overnight.
So if you ever wonder how and why kids and up on the streets, there's one of the answers
Man of Honour
Sorry to hear of the trouble you're experiencing. You seem to be handling it much better than I sure would be able to.
Good luck for the future and your permanent foster care bud.
Good luck for the future and your permanent foster care bud.
Soldato
I can't believe how these people are acting - it makes me furious tbh! 
It's disgusting they feel that they can finish work at 5pm and all the kids they are meant to be looking after can go **** themselves, even when one is a small boy who is in a lot of danger running the streets!
It's disgusting they feel that they can finish work at 5pm and all the kids they are meant to be looking after can go **** themselves, even when one is a small boy who is in a lot of danger running the streets!
not really because we have to impose out own guidlines. Basically, we can only care for him if he wants to be. Once he has left the house and the authorities hve been notified then it's out of our hands. It has to be otherwise we would be to emotionally involved at that would effect our family and i'm not going to let that happen.
I have told him today that if he wants to run off then fine but he must tell us first that he is going and where he is going. As far as i'm concerned, if he does this, then it means we don't have to get the police involved because affectively he isn't a missing person. It only means we have to tell his social worker and the agency. I told him that if he doesn't then we will get the police involved.
Unless i nail him to the floor I'm not going to be able to stop him running away so it's best done with a bit of diplomacy.
I have told him today that if he wants to run off then fine but he must tell us first that he is going and where he is going. As far as i'm concerned, if he does this, then it means we don't have to get the police involved because affectively he isn't a missing person. It only means we have to tell his social worker and the agency. I told him that if he doesn't then we will get the police involved.
Unless i nail him to the floor I'm not going to be able to stop him running away so it's best done with a bit of diplomacy.