So Its happenened - wife left me.

Metalface Mark · 30 Jan 2006 at 22:09

For all thats happened, this at least gives you a chance to set things straight, to stop acting ***** whipped. When she comes on Friday, you have to be strong, you have to accept her decision, tell her you still want to be part of the pregnancy, and tell her you realise that the relationship is dead, but for the sake of the kids and the baby, you should be able to be friends, if not, you should at least be able to be civil.

If you take her back if she says she wants to come back, you will get into an endless cycle - its not going to work out. The words might seem harsh, you seem like a good bloke, but you also seem like a bit of a doormat, and something needs to slap you out of it.

The first thing you need to do is stop being so negative. You need to read a few self help books to make you realise your not ugly, or no uglier than anyone else is. TV and film have done nothing but make a normal person think they are not on a league with people we see every day. Take a look around, 99% of people you see on the street look no different to you or I. Take a look around when you think everyone is looking at you thinking your ugly, and see that they are worrying about their own problems. Take a look around and assess you situation, see it as a fresh start, a new beginning.

And remember this, theres no such thing as a bad experience, just take it as a learning experience. Take a positive from the negative. Move on, move on stronger than you were before.

sandy10 · 30 Jan 2006 at 22:17

MeatLoaf said:
Ive been at my friends house all night. Got back just now. She fed me and we had a good chat and i know im not the only one in this position.

She made me see that even though im not a good looking guy ive got a heart of gold and a super personality.

Nice of your friend to point that out to you.

Get over the looks thing and realise, you have a lot more to offer.

Bony Maloney · 31 Jan 2006 at 00:30

Everything happens for a reason m8. You have to move on from this. Sunshine will shine on you again. You may not think so, but I promise you IT WILL. Feel all your emotions let them roll over you and let them go. It may take time for you, but it WILL get better. Talk to people, your dog, the birds anything you need to do, and slowly but surely you will feel better, little by little. You are loved and people are looking out for you. Say prayers (they are heared

). There is a "someone" for you out there, and only in time will it all nit together for you. Trust this process, as pants as it might seem. You are made of good stuff, and stars will shine for you.

Hades · 31 Jan 2006 at 00:39

Can't add much but wanted to add my sympathies of the situation.

LoadsaMoney · 31 Jan 2006 at 00:48

S7rider said:
Mate, if everything you did was for her, and her children... and that wasnt good enough, she doesnt deserve you

Agreed, sorry to hear that mate.

Treefrog · 31 Jan 2006 at 01:18

Sorry to have to say this mate, but actions speak louder than words. Trust what she does, not what she says. And as this is the third time, I'd say her meaning is pretty clear even though, as I did, you don't want to accept it.

She rang and told you she's picking her stuff up on Friday? Whether you like it or not? I'd be very tempted to tell her that it's not convenient and give her a time and date that's convenient for you when she can call for it.

And make sure you get an arrangement to see your kids - they're worth more than ANY partner ever. From the way you describe your wife acting, I'd also start keeping a journal NOW of how things go. What was arranged, if everything went smoothly or not, what was said, who was present, etc, etc. Mine goes back to 1998 and has proved to be worth it's weight in gold on the two occasions where the ex started playing silly buggers regarding contact with my kids. If it ever comes to court, and I sincerely hope it won't, then a contemporaneous note will prove to be invaluable. Rather than the judge trying to wade through he said/she said and decide where the real truth lies.

Be strong for your kids mate - they need you and love you and will be missing you.

Richdog · 31 Jan 2006 at 07:35

MeatLoaf said:
Ive been at my friends house all night. Got back just now. She fed me and we had a good chat and i know im not the only one in this position.

She made me see that even though im not a good looking guy ive got a heart of gold and a super personality.

She says im thick to even think of wanting her back. This is the 3rd time shes gone, and if she does come back no doubt it will happen again.

I just want someone to be there for me and to love me. I know its too soon yet but i really do need the company.

She goes for her 20wk scan in a few weeks and i was really looking forward to seeing our baby again and finding out if its a boy or a girl. But now i wish she wasnt pregnant at all

Im trying to keep my chin up and you guys are a real help to me. Thank you all.

A) Remember that the debt is shared, achknowledge that comment for us please and show us that you will take that into account to put our minds at peace.

B) Great that you have an understanding friend to comfort you, just don't do anything silly in the heat of the moment, this is a time you are VERY vulnerable and prone to doing irrational things. Just make sure nothing goes past the friends stage, not saying that it would mind, just a warning as it will screw things up even more.

C) You need to start being stronger. Your wife is obviously flaky at best and face the facts, she doesn't want to be with you. You need to now start thinking of the future and you're kids, make plans and preperations to be part of their life and keep the arguing with your wife to a minimum as it will be very stressful for them too. You need to start moving on to the acceptanca and damage control stage now.

D) Do not say you wish she wasn't pregnant. Love that baby and cherish it like any other, it will grow up some day and you will be an important part of its life. It could be the next Einstein or Richard Branson for all you know.

E) Get legal advice asap. DO NOT let her take you for a ride. DO NOT let her guilt-trip you into paying more than your fair share. DO NOT let her emotionally blackmail you or shut you out from the kids, you need to fight tooth and nail to keep what's yours and make sure you have regular access to your children. You have rights, don't forget that.

Someone will love you again, the problem is you have become so emotionally dependant on her that you can't see survival without her. That is pure bullocks. Actively build your self-confidence by going to classes, social groups, hypnotherapy etc, anything that will help you hold your head up high.

Ask yourself this: do you want your kids to grow up knowing a pitiful, emotional wreck or a strong man that has been through the wars and come out on top. That is what they will be looking for, and so will any future woman in your life.

Good luck...

NokkonWud · 31 Jan 2006 at 07:44

willd58 said:
Look at yourself and how you can improve without her, you shouldnt need her.

It's more a case of the kids. It's a bad law, the mother pretty much regardless of whatever happens gets custody of the children aswell.

I hope it all works out for you.

MeatLoaf · 31 Jan 2006 at 08:42

Richdog said:
A) Remember that the debt is shared, achknowledge that comment for us please and show us that you will take that into account to put our minds at peace.

B) Great that you have an understanding friend to comfort you, just don't do anything silly in the heat of the moment, this is a time you are VERY vulnerable and prone to doing irrational things. Just make sure nothing goes past the friends stage, not saying that it would mind, just a warning as it will screw things up even more.

C) You need to start being stronger. Your wife is obviously flaky at best and face the facts, she doesn't want to be with you. You need to now start thinking of the future and you're kids, make plans and preperations to be part of their life and keep the arguing with your wife to a minimum as it will be very stressful for them too. You need to start moving on to the acceptanca and damage control stage now.

D) Do not say you wish she wasn't pregnant. Love that baby and cherish it like any other, it will grow up some day and you will be an important part of its life. It could be the next Einstein or Richard Branson for all you know.

E) Get legal advice asap. DO NOT let her take you for a ride. DO NOT let her guilt-trip you into paying more than your fair share. DO NOT let her emotionally blackmail you or shut you out from the kids, you need to fight tooth and nail to keep what's yours and make sure you have regular access to your children. You have rights, don't forget that.

Someone will love you again, the problem is you have become so emotionally dependant on her that you can't see survival without her. That is pure bullocks. Actively build your self-confidence by going to classes, social groups, hypnotherapy etc, anything that will help you hold your head up high.

Ask yourself this: do you want your kids to grow up knowing a pitiful, emotional wreck or a strong man that has been through the wars and come out on top. That is what they will be looking for, and so will any future woman in your life.

Good luck...

Thanks all. Im going to make an appointment for the solicitors and start the divorce rolling again and get some advice about these debts.

Shes bringing the kids with her on friday so im going to get to see them at least. Pity shes going to be bringing her horrible family to help her get it into the car.

I know i need to be stronger and im tyrying but im goingout all day again today, as i just cant face being in the house alone.

Im also going to visit the jobcentre and try to gret myself a decent job, as now that shes gone theres no way i can survive on £50 a week. The only thing that worries me is how im going to manage.

With any luck i will win the compo on friday night, £500 1st prize, that'd certainly sort me out. Mind you even 2nd or 3rd would do.

Its a very daunting thing im going through, but i know ive managed before and i will have to manage again. At themoment though it takes anything to set me off, itslike im constantly trying to fight the tears back.

Anyway, catch you all later. Thanks you for the good advice.

PinkPig · 31 Jan 2006 at 09:36

I can't imagine how horrible it feels for you. I hope I never can, and my deepest sympathies are with you.

wozzizname · 31 Jan 2006 at 10:23

Good luck to you, it may not feel like it now but things will get better for you in time, just be true to yourself and don't make any rash decisions.

MeatLoaf · 31 Jan 2006 at 12:05

Well until friday when she picks her stuff up then in my mind she is still not left, shes just having a break at her mums.

Lets see what friday brings.

Richdog · 31 Jan 2006 at 12:21

MeatLoaf said:
Well until friday when she picks her stuff up then in my mind she is still not left, shes just having a break at her mums.

Lets see what friday brings.

Sorry mate but I detect a pattern emerging here, you'll just keep doing the same thing again and again. She's holding the strings and you're dancing along merrily. If you had some sense you'd get rid of her, end the heartache, and get on with the rest of your life.

She'll do it to you again and again, surely you can see that? :confused:

Baker · 31 Jan 2006 at 12:23

You started a relationship with a 15 year old when you were 24. It's a shame it hasn't worked out, but is none the less slightly predictable.

snedger · 31 Jan 2006 at 13:04

Hello
Easy to say, but try not to let it eat you all the time.
My wife left me 3 weeks ago and left the 2 kids with me.
The first week I was a total wreck.
But last week I've started really getting on organising everything how I want in the household - I have not been in sole charge of an abode since 1988. There is a possibility that I might even end up as an organised and more happy person.
I've decided to focus on the new doors that have been opened, rather than the one that has been so painfully slammed in my face! (again easy words to say).
Oh and FFS make sure that you behave yourself and not jeapordise custodial rights in the future. Do not let yourself get provoked!!!
Cheers
snedger

SiHH · 31 Jan 2006 at 13:42

Deleting dont wanna hijack thread

Spud21 · 31 Jan 2006 at 14:07

MeatLoaf said:
Ive been at my friends house all night. Got back just now. She fed me and we had a good chat and i know im not the only one in this position.

She made me see that even though im not a good looking guy ive got a heart of gold and a super personality.

She says im thick to even think of wanting her back. This is the 3rd time shes gone, and if she does come back no doubt it will happen again.

I just want someone to be there for me and to love me. I know its too soon yet but i really do need the company.

She goes for her 20wk scan in a few weeks and i was really looking forward to seeing our baby again and finding out if its a boy or a girl. But now i wish she wasnt pregnant at all

Im trying to keep my chin up and you guys are a real help to me. Thank you all.

Sounds like your friend has her head screwed on right. It aint worth it.

I can't say this for certain as my parents have been married for 35 odd years and are happy, but i don't think it does the kids any good to be brought up in an environment where the relationship between the parents has deteriorated so much that they are arguing all the time and generally hurting each other, i'd say it's better for the kids sake that you go your seperate ways, so they at least have 2 parents who are happy but seperated, rather than two parents constantly hurting each other but together, they ain't stupid and can and will pick up on this. That what i think, and i don't think staying together for the kids sake when it's clearly all gone wrong and is beyond salvation is good for the kids.

If i were you i'd continue to take the support from your friend, and bugger what your wife thinks of it, she doesn't matter anymore, all that matters is you and your kids.

Agent_matt · 31 Jan 2006 at 14:36

Sorry to hear about that buddy. Keep ya chin up though. Smile

.

MeatLoaf · 31 Jan 2006 at 16:12

Shes rung me this afternoon and given me a glimmer of hope but i think maybe its a bit more rope to hang myself ( not literally! ).

Basically now she says she dosent know what she wants to do. Maybe shes been doing some thinking. I beren thinking as well about why she mite not be happy. Ive tried to make a list of my bad points. This is what i got so far.

1. I dont do all of the housework - but i cook, do a bit of work from home and i takje and fetch the kids from school so she dosent have to walk a long way being pregnant and i also do the shopping and take care of all the bills.

2. Money is tight, so i cant always afford to give her £30 to out on the town. I do stop her going out with her mate as its the sister of the guy she slpt with. Ive no problem with her going wioth others but she only wants to go with this one mate.

3. I have to have the TV on quite loud a sim partially deaf in one ear - she thinks i do it on purpose.

4. Sometimes i shout at the kids a lot, but only when there naughty. This often auses arguments.

5. She moans that i go out once a week. I go out to singing compos. And i often win, so its not like i come home empty handed all the time. I only take a tenner out with me.

6. She says im pestering for sex. Well im sorry but i dont think once a week is too much to ask, even if she cant manage fullon sex theres loads of other things she can do.

So thtas it - would you end a marriage for the above reasons?

Baker · 31 Jan 2006 at 16:19

As hard as it might be I think this is something you and your wife need to sort out, as none of us know the full situation, the atmosphere between you, etc.

It's impossible for any of us to make accurate suggestions.