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Things that make blokes proud of themselves

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by dymetrie, 27 Feb 2006.

  1. dymetrie

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 19 Jul 2005

    Posts: 2,168

    Location: Lonetrek

    1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

    2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

    3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

    4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

    5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

    6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

    7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

    8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

    9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

    10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

    11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

    12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

    13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ******. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

    14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

    15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

    16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

    17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

    18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

    19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

    20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

    21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why?
    So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale.
    Aaaah.

    22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

    23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

    24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.
     
  2. jezsoup

    PermaBanned

    Joined: 9 Jun 2004

    Posts: 3,024

    Location: Bradford

    Oh so true :D
     
  3. D18241

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 4 May 2004

    Posts: 2,024

    Location: England (sheffield)

    2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.


    i soooo hate this lol , some one on my road says it all the time am like wtf lol
     
  4. alexakasloth

    Sgarrista

    Joined: 13 Aug 2004

    Posts: 7,798

    Location: Sussex

    :D very true:

    20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
     
  5. William

    Capodecina

    Joined: 26 Jul 2003

    Posts: 10,948

    Location: Derby

    I go to the tip rather regularly, even if to pick some stuff up there and throw it back in and break it some more. :D
     
  6. Exentia

    Soldato

    Joined: 27 Sep 2004

    Posts: 5,630

    Location: Bristol

    Ha Ha some classics there! especially like:

    23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

    GF has done that SOOO many times!:rolleyes:
     
  7. basmic

    PermaBanned

    Joined: 10 Apr 2004

    Posts: 13,144

    Location: Darlington, County Durham

    Can't say my facial scar makes me feel proud of myself. The joys of road accidents... . :o:(
     
  8. Desmo

    Soldato

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 6,597

    Location: Chillin' on the Boat

    I taught Piggy this at last years BBQ Meet. I didn't really mean to do it but within a split second of her getting the ball I lunged two footed at her ankles :eek: I can remember the feeling of horror I had mid-air wondering to myself what I was doing :/

    Still, I cleanly won the ball as she fell over into a heap on the floor. I stood up triumphantly and said "Women, know your limits" :D

    Still can't believe I did that :o
     
  9. Emlyn_Dewar

    Capodecina

    Joined: 15 Oct 2003

    Posts: 12,833

    Location: Chengdu

    Great list! The thin stick for stirring paint, it's become a valued tool in my shed! :D
     
  10. Veritas

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 30 Apr 2003

    Posts: 1,794

    Location: The dark side of the moon

    I must be doing it wrong :p
     
  11. Piggymon

    Capodecina

    Joined: 17 Oct 2002

    Posts: 16,843

    Location: On MB's Boat - Drinking

    :mad:

    I was only trying to play a nice game of footy and I get some madman hurling himself at poor ickle me :/
     
  12. Aliboy

    Mobster

    Joined: 4 Jan 2004

    Posts: 3,201

    ROFL at that Desmo :D You almost made my coffee come squitring out of my nose with that line :D


    *I hope you were okay though Piggy ..... He can be a bad bad man at times ;)
     
  13. Pickers

    Mobster

    Joined: 16 Jul 2004

    Posts: 3,695

    There's a pun there about directing and tackle but I cant make the connection... :o

    24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.
    LOL!!
     
  14. Piggymon

    Capodecina

    Joined: 17 Oct 2002

    Posts: 16,843

    Location: On MB's Boat - Drinking

    I was fine after I recovered :p

    It was muchos funny :D
     
  15. Raikiri

    Capodecina

    Joined: 5 Jul 2005

    Posts: 17,775

    Location: Brighton


    :D :D :D

    I have flu and laughing really hurts :( thanks for that
     
  16. Emlyn_Dewar

    Capodecina

    Joined: 15 Oct 2003

    Posts: 12,833

    Location: Chengdu

    22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
     
  17. dymetrie

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 19 Jul 2005

    Posts: 2,168

    Location: Lonetrek


    Is it real flu or man flu though?
     
  18. Raikiri

    Capodecina

    Joined: 5 Jul 2005

    Posts: 17,775

    Location: Brighton

    Real flu, not that im complaining :p
     
  19. Otacon

    Capodecina

    Joined: 10 Jan 2004

    Posts: 21,923

    Location: All over

    Nice one dude :D
     
  20. thebrasso

    Soldato

    Joined: 18 Oct 2002

    Posts: 5,312

    :D Damn, I'm laughing like a loon now!