Thursday joke....it's possibly a goodun!

Soldato
Joined
6 Mar 2003
Posts
6,231
Location
West Lothian
That world cup one isn't too bad

On a slightly related topic, did anyone catch Radio 1 last night when the guy was trying to get his girlfriend to come home from the pub when she was watching Tunisia v Saudi Arabia, it was classic :D
 
Soldato
Joined
12 Jun 2005
Posts
2,812
Location
A lake!
Time to get added to $loth's ignore list :p

What did the big fisherman say to the little fisherman?

Stop hiding in that bucket!


What happens if you cross-pollinate a tulip with a dandelion?

Dande-lips!


What did the Zulu warrior have in his packed lunch?

Dande-lips!
 
Associate
Joined
21 May 2006
Posts
483
Location
Wakefield
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample

and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker and

better than a doctor".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda.

He deposits five pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the

urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy

activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack

began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap

water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and

daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the

results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never

get better...........thank you for shopping at Asda.
 
Associate
Joined
21 May 2006
Posts
483
Location
Wakefield
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
 
Soldato
Joined
20 Jun 2005
Posts
2,675
Location
Derby
monkeypants said:
Time to get added to $loth's ignore list :p

What did the big fisherman say to the little fisherman?

Stop hiding in that bucket!


What happens if you cross-pollinate a tulip with a dandelion?

Dande-lips!


What did the Zulu warrior have in his packed lunch?

Dande-lips!



dande- eh? :confused:
 
Soldato
Joined
12 Jun 2005
Posts
2,812
Location
A lake!
Steve said:
following the break up of his relationship paul McCartney was asked if he would go down on one knee again.

to which he angrily replied "She likes to be called HEATHER!"
Nope, still don't get it, so here's some real jokes:

What did the big barber say to the little barber?

Get out of my beard!


What happens if you cross a kangaroo with a monster?

"Australian scares"!


Why did the eskimo throuw his glove into the sea?

There was a wasp in it!
 
Soldato
Joined
1 Dec 2002
Posts
2,837
Location
Cornwall
A man goes into a pub and see's a hot girl goes over to her and says to her "My name is Bond" to which she replies "Oh your James Bond" he replies "No, I'm Uni Bond, I've come to fill your crack"
 
Soldato
Joined
18 Oct 2002
Posts
10,053
monkeypants said:
Nope, still don't get it, so here's some real jokes:

What did the big barber say to the little barber?

Get out of my beard!


What happens if you cross a kangaroo with a monster?

"Australian scares"!


Why did the eskimo throuw his glove into the sea?

There was a wasp in it!

where do you get this crap? Or are you just making them up
 
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