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Thursday Morning Joke

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by cleanbluesky, 16 Feb 2006.

  1. cleanbluesky

    Capodecina

    Joined: 2 Nov 2004

    Posts: 24,654

     
  2. Mana

    Mobster

    Joined: 8 Nov 2002

    Posts: 4,051

    Location: .earth

    lol , u managed to make me smile even tho i am still half asleep
     
  3. Sic

    Capodecina

    Joined: 9 Nov 2004

    Posts: 15,365

    Location: SO16

    haha. nice. Thursdayish :)
     
  4. Melon

    Associate

    Joined: 19 Nov 2005

    Posts: 68

    Location: Newcastle Under Lyme

    Very good lol.

    Ill pass that one along.
     
  5. rG-tom

    Sgarrista

    Joined: 27 Nov 2004

    Posts: 9,791

    Location: London

    haha :D i like her attitude :p

    Tom.
     
  6. MrMatteh

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 22 Feb 2004

    Posts: 2,418

    Location: Essex

    hehe excellent :D good start to the day
     
  7. dymetrie

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 19 Jul 2005

    Posts: 2,172

    Location: Lonetrek

    Little Nancy was just finishing digging and filling in a hole in her garden when her next door neighbour asked what she was doing,
    "My goldfish died and ive just buried it" she says.
    The neighbour laughed and said, "But thats a big hole for a goldfish Nancy".
    She replied, "Thats because it was in your ******* cat"
     
  8. Melon

    Associate

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    Posts: 68

    Location: Newcastle Under Lyme

    I like that one better LOL
     
  9. James H

    PermaBanned

    Joined: 19 May 2005

    Posts: 538

    Location: Brum

    Both are very good
     
  10. Melm0

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 12 Jun 2005

    Posts: 2,008

    Location: Leeds

    hehehe good one
     
  11. Arcade Fire

    Banned

    Joined: 26 Jan 2005

    Posts: 5,426

    Location: Cambridge

    The first one was good, but this one...
    Ahaha :D
     
  12. Arcade Fire

    Banned

    Joined: 26 Jan 2005

    Posts: 5,426

    Location: Cambridge

    Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?





    The Mace gets in his eyes.
     
  13. Sanzy

    Banned

    Joined: 12 Mar 2005

    Posts: 1,117

    Location: Forget About It

    hehe i iked the 2nd one :p
     
  14. BrightonBelle

    Woman of Honour

    Joined: 2 Aug 2004

    Posts: 5,570

    Location: London

    More kid stuff..

    A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

    The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

    The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ... " I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a ****."

    BB x
     
  15. antc

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 23 Jun 2005

    Posts: 1,756

    Location: Nottinghamshire

    haha, that made me chuckle cleanbluesky, nice one :)
     
  16. dymetrie

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 19 Jul 2005

    Posts: 2,172

    Location: Lonetrek

    The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"

    "Mrs. Ward, please."

    "Speaking."

    "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

    "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

    "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

    "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

    "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

    "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" questioned Mrs. Ward

    "Well, the people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
     
  17. Big Kev

    Capodecina

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    Location: Ashburton Grove

    Nice one chief. :D
     
  18. Kell_ee001

    Capodecina

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    Location: Jesmond

    LOL :D

    These are a pretty high standard for here! :p
     
  19. dymetrie

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 19 Jul 2005

    Posts: 2,172

    Location: Lonetrek

    A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses
    are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very
    short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked
    if he was ready to order,

    "What would you like, sir?"

    He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to
    bottom, then answers,

    "A quickie."

    The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains
    her composure she returns and asks again,

    "What would you like, sir?"

    Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,

    "A quickie, please."

    This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
    across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

    A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,

    "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
     
  20. Big Kev

    Capodecina

    Joined: 17 Oct 2002

    Posts: 17,715

    Location: Ashburton Grove


    You're not wrong, so here's another extrememly annoying effort from me, to drop the standard somewhat:

    Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the great composers. Anyway to give the film a twist and some "oomph" he decides to cast the parts to the great action heroes of today. He calls Stallone, Arnie, Bruce Willis and Segal into his office to hear who they would like to play.

    "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

    "Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

    "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal.

    "I'd like to play him."

    Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "That sounds splendid."

    Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnie?"

    So Arnie says..........









































    Wait for it, it’s a beauty..........







































    "I'll be Bach.