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Wednesday morning funny

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Baz, 8 Mar 2006.

  1. Baz


    Joined: 9 Dec 2002

    Posts: 4,258

    Location: Peterborough

    A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

    To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

    By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

    After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

    To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200!"
  2. Von Smallhausen

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 1 Aug 2004

    Posts: 12,633

    Location: Tyneside

  3. dymetrie

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 19 Jul 2005

    Posts: 2,166

    Location: Lonetrek

    Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

    Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
    After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd *** to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

    So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

    Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".

    Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".

    He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

    Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......." "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

    Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

    Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"

    Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet !".
  4. MadMan-JaMeS


    Joined: 15 Mar 2004

    Posts: 3,071

    Location: Oxford

    LMAO !
  5. Kerplunk


    Joined: 10 Jan 2006

    Posts: 9,029

    Location: Bournemouth tbh

    ROFL!! :D :D
  6. AJUK

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 14 Nov 2003

    Posts: 10,949

    ROFL. I just can't get an image of Sean Connery and Cilla Black gettin' jiggy out of my head now. Uuuggghhhh! :eek: :p
  7. Datamonkey


    Joined: 21 Jan 2003

    Posts: 6,769

    Location: Kempston - Bedfordshire

    1st was crap!!

    2nd now thats pure class :D
  8. Wyrdo


    Joined: 19 Feb 2004

    Posts: 15,055

    Location: Darlington, UK

    :D Good one! :)
  9. 9761


    Joined: 23 Feb 2004

    Posts: 4,143

    Location: Brentwood, Essex

    Nice one!
  10. Dace

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 15 Mar 2005

    Posts: 2,367

    Location: Long Eaton, Nottingham

    My chatup lines:

    Does this taste like Rohypnol to you?

    Does this smell like Chloroform to you?

    Works every time :D
  11. MR_Punk


    Joined: 23 Mar 2004

    Posts: 7,947

    Location: Up t'north

    The cilla ones top notch well done!
  12. toy_soldier


    Joined: 3 Dec 2004

    Posts: 2,313

    Location: Sheffield

    The cilla joke is brilliant LOL!!
  13. Melm0

    Wise Guy

    Joined: 12 Jun 2005

    Posts: 2,008

    Location: Leeds

    ROFL @ Cilla joke!

  14. Kerplunk


    Joined: 10 Jan 2006

    Posts: 9,029

    Location: Bournemouth tbh

    I have Cilla's squely voice in my head now.

    *bangs head on desk* :o
  15. Rich1988


    Joined: 8 Jan 2005

    Posts: 6,373

    Location: wiltshire

    hehe I liked them both but the cilla one was pure class
  16. Le_Petit_Lapin


    Joined: 5 Sep 2005

    Posts: 11,742

    Location: Northern Ireland

    Lucky you. I have other things Cilla related in my head now. :(

    T'was a good joke though.
  17. pyro


    Joined: 23 Nov 2002

    Posts: 16,167

    Yeah **** :D
  18. Stan_Lite

    Man of Honour

    Joined: 27 Apr 2004

    Posts: 107,331

    Location: In bed with your sister

    PMSL :D

    Expect an invoice for a new keyboard.

    Stan :)
  19. DJammyRasta


    Joined: 28 Nov 2004

    Posts: 2,826

    Location: London

    u wet urself and it ruined ** keyboard ?? where the hell was ** keyboard at the time ?? :D
  20. Charley Says...


    Joined: 25 Nov 2005

    Posts: 67

    Location: Watford

    :D cilla for the win :D