Time Traveler Day makes us think of one question; what would you do if you could go back in time? For us, the answer is to find a way from stopping these games from ever existing!
This might seem a frivolous use of a TARDIS or flux capacitor, but to us this is an essential mission. We don’t want to erase all bad games from existence. That sounds like effort. No, just the offenders who made our lives and this industry worse by simply existing. We’ve got a timeline to fix, so let’s get to it.
In the mood for some time-travel gaming? Be sure to check out our picks for the best time loop games you can play.
Duke Nukem Forever
For years, the gaming industry had one go-to reliable punchline that would always elicit a chuckle. That was the simple idea we would ever see the much-delayed fourth game in the Duke Nukem series. How we wish we could travel back in time to relive those days and prevent Duke Nukem Forever from ever seeing the light of day. Because, unlike the game, the joke was at least funny.
It’s not that Duke Nukem Forever cannot muster a joke even half as funny as the one that preceded it. It’s not that Duke Nukem 3D is one of the Nintendo 64’s most beloved titles. It’s not even that we waited FIFTEEN years for this sequel. No, it’s that even on its own two legs, Duke Nukem Forever is an outdated, inconsistent, visually unappealing, and at times offensive game. All we want for Time Traveler Day is to go back and stop it from ever happening.
Ride to Hell: Retribution
You know how some games are so bad they’re good? Well, have you ever asked what happens when a game is so bad that is just bad? You don’t need to, because Ride to Hell: Retribution has already answered the question. If its name wasn’t offensive enough – why does it need the subheading? – the game itself is a broken janky mess that was barely acceptable in 2008 let alone when it actually came out in 2013.
This game was critically panned for its broken and repetitive gameplay, terrible graphics, awful controls, bad writing and performances, not to even mention the absolute state of its fully clothed, um, intimate scenes. There’s nothing redeeming about this game. Not even the joy of watching streamers try to play it and make fun of the messy experience. It’s a soulless experience. Can it from the timeline.
Metal Gear: Survive
Remember when the ending to Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain seemed like a disappointment? We didn’t know how good we had it. Time Traveler Day seems like a good time to wish we could go back and have that whimper be the final note in Hideo Kojima’s storied saga than this…thing. Metal Gear: Survive is less of a video game and more of a sad post-break-up ballad from Konami trying to publicly prove they’re fine without their ex. But they’re no Taylor Swift.
Metal Gear: Survive is not a Metal Gear game. It is a poorly made zombie survival game that tries nothing original. Leaning on established tropes and gimmicks that other titles have done before, and better, this game has only one thing going for it – its name. Even that cannot save it, as its attempts to wipe clean Kojima’s continuity spits in the face of everything fans loved about the series. We would do anything to have it end on a better note, may it rest in peace.
E.T. The Extra Terrestrial
Oh look, it’s that game that nearly killed the entire industry in the 80s until a Japanese card company salvaged the remains. We won’t recap every detail – there’s a whole Wikipedia page for that – but here’s the short and sweet of it. In order to capitalise on the movie’s popularity, Atari sunk a boatload of money into turning a game around in too short a time frame with a developer woefully underequipped to do it. The unplayable game that came out of it was committed to landfill because no one wanted to buy it.
Do we need to explain further why we would erase this game from the timeline? Yes, it created room for Nintendo to rise up in the market. But it damaged the industry for years to come. Worse still, it didn’t even serve as a cautionary tale for the wave of poorly-made movie tie-in games that plagued the 2000s. Which is what we’ll be spending Time Traveler Day 2023 cleaning up.
Star Wars: Battlefront (2015)
On paper, a reboot of the beloved Battlefront series should be a license to print money. With EA’s announcement coming in the wake of Disney’s purchase of Star Wars, the hype train was truly steaming along. So, what went wrong? Well aside from the lack of a single-player campaign and thrilling spaceships to take into interstellar battles, there was a distinct lack of actual content in this very polished game, even for those with the deluxe edition and season pass. Then came the salt.
Not even six months after its release, EA announced plans for a sequel. That framed this game as not only a misfire but a glorified demo version that many players had just spent £100 on to get all the scraps of content it had to offer. Worse still, Battlefront II had a lot of the content this game was missing. It even went on to ditch its widely criticised loot box model and become a lauded title in its own right through free content updates. But by the time most of us had gotten over the pain the original caused; the sequel’s updates ended. If we just removed the first game from the timeline, Battlefront’s reputation would not have received such an undue battering.
Tom Clancy’s The Division
The Division came at a curious time in gaming. The Xbox One and PlayStation 4 had landed but no one knew what the much touted next-generation of gaming was meant to look like. Then Ubisoft strolled in with their E3 presentation and gave us our first look at Tom Clancy’s The Division. With it’s amazing visuals, fresh gameplay, and need to be online with friends, it felt like the evolution of gaming we had been looking for.
Sadly, the end product was nothing like what we had hoped for. Lackluster graphics, repetitive gameplay, and a directionless endgame had once eager players turn away in droves. Ubisoft tanked their first MMO and in the process stalled a whole generation of gaming. Just think what could have been. If only we could go back and prevent this detour from happening.
Mass Effect Andromeda
When reflecting on the history of Mass Effect, it’s weird to think that the ending to the third game is not the biggest stain on its rich tapestry. Although largely disliked, it at least came at the end of an excellent game and widely praised trilogy. In a better timeline, the franchise would have ended on this slightly down note, but over time the fanbase would have become forgiving and Bioware’s reputation would not have as many chinks in its armour. It is a shame, then, that Andromeda exists.
Lifeless, broken, and uninteresting, Mass Effect Andromeda was not the redemption story we all hoped for, but another nail in the series’ coffin. It’s a good thing that the series is returning to the original trilogy for its next game, but excitement is certainly tempered by the cloud Andromeda cast. Time Traveler Day seems like a perfect occasion to wish we could wipe it from the slate.
Don’t Get Stuck in the Past With This Hardware
As much as Time Traveler Day has us wanting to explore the past and fix the timeline, make sure you’re rocking futureproof tech! At Overclockers UK, we have some incredible gaming PCs and laptops. They may not protect you from the mistakes of gaming’s past, but they will help you see in a bright future! Don’t trust our picks will set you on the right path? Then explore our full ranges and find the perfect PC for you!
Refract Gaming Azure Pre-Built PC
Experience games in stunning 4K resolution with the Refract Azure. Part of our range of pre-built Refract Gaming PCs, this computer gets its graphical prowess from an NVIDIA GeForce RTX 4070 Ti GPU. Enjoy the power of an AMD Ryzen 7 7800X3D CPU and 32GB DDR5 RAM as you play. Plus, you will get three years parts-and-labour warranty included as standard.
ASUS TUF Gaming A15 Gaming Laptop
If you want to game on the go, then the ASUS TUF Gaming A15 is the laptop you need. It puts powerful Windows 11 gaming into a super slim, easy-to-carry chassis. With an AMD Ryzen R7-7735HS CPU and NVIDIA GeForce RTX 4060 GPU, you’ll find your gaming experience super smooth on the beautiful 144Hz FHD display. Even with its streamlined build, there’s no compromise on durability. With 16GB of DDR5 RAM and a superfast 1TB SSD, you can move between tasks seamlessly and load all your apps and games faster.
OcUK Gaming Germanium Z7 Configurable PC
Stacked with absolutely cutting-edge hardware, the Germanium Z7 is a beast of a gaming PC. Contained withinthe incredible Phanteks Evolv X case is both a fourteenth generation Intel Core i7 CPU and an NVIDIA 4090 graphics card. That kind of hardware will have you blazing through any and all games the future could bring, while burning away the memories of the sins of the past.
Available for £3,999.95*
Please note: The cut off delivery date for custom PCs has passed. Any configurable systems ordered now won’t arrive in time for Christmas. Our pre-built PCs and gaming laptops, however, can still be ordered and arrive in time.
How About Some Better Games?
Now we’ve removed these gaming blights from the timeline, how about something a little more palatable?
What Games Would You Bin?
If you had Time Lord abilities to abuse, which games would you remove from the timeline? Let us know in the comments below!
PC specs are subject to change.
- 9 min read
Jacob Smith
Author
Jacob is a passionate gamer, plus a noted Pokemon and LEGO nutjob, who emerges only when doing the words here at Overclockers UK. Since starting at the tail end of 2021, Jacob has gone on to write dozens of blogs on everything from the latest games to whimsical Dickens-inspired poetry. Outside of creating content and being the one person in the office daring to champion Nintendo, he is often found fawning over his Pokemon card collection and his trio of lovely doggos.
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