How 8Pack Stole Christmas
How 8Pack Stole Christmas

Everyone down at ‘Clockers liked Christmas a lot… 
But 8Pack, who lived down in the tech labs, did NOT! 

8Pack hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! 
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason. 
It could be that CPUs weren’t overclocked right. 
It could be that when he left work it was night. 
But I think the most likely reason of all; 
RGB lighting was now hung from the walls. 

Refract GFX square

For whatever reason, he was off his rocker, 
Grumbling on Christmas Eve, cursing ‘Clockers, 
Staring up from his desk with a sour, 8Pack frown 
At a Refract Jade packed in a box of brown. 
For he knew above in ‘Clockers, even from down beneath, 
They were all now hanging their RGB wreaths. 

“And they’re hanging their stockings!” he snarled with a sneer. 
“Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here!” 
Then he growled with his swole fingers frantically drumming, 
“I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!” 

For, tomorrow, he knew…all ‘Clockers girls and boys 
Would have a LAN party with shiny new toys! 
Clacking keyboards, clicky new mice…oh, the noise! 
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! 
Then sat in noblechairs, they’d have a little treat. 
And another treat! And another treat. TREATS! TREATS! 
Then on delicious baked goods, full of carbs, they’d feast 
Which was something 8Pack couldn’t stand in the least!

noblechairs HERO Gaming Chair Resident Evil Umbrella Edition

And then they’d do something he liked least of all! 
Everyone down in ‘Clockers, the tall and the small, 
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing. 
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And then they would start singing! 

8Pack Dominate

They’d sing! And they’d sing! AND they’d SING! SING! SING! SING! 
And the more 8Pack thought of this mad Christmas-Sing 
The more 8Pack thought, “I must stop this whole thing! 
“Why, for over ten years I’ve put up with it now! 
I MUST stop this Christmas from coming!… but HOW?”

Then he got an idea! An awful idea! 8PACK GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! 

“I know just what to do!” 8Pack laughed in his chest. 
And he made a Santa Claus hat and sleeveless vest. 
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great 8Pack trick! 
“With this vest and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick! 

“All I need is a reindeer…” 8Pack looked around. 
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found. 
Did that stop old 8Pack…? No! 8Pack simply said, 
“If I can’t find a reindeer, I’ll make one instead!” 
So he found Ben the Giraffe. Then took some red thread 
And he tied a big horn on the top of Ben’s head. 

Then he loaded bags and an empty sack or ten 
On a pick trolley sleigh and he hitched up old Ben. 
Then 8Pack said, “Giddap!” and the sleigh started down 
To ‘Clockers offices just outside ol’ Stoke town. 

All desks were empty. Computer dust filled the air. 
All at ‘Clockers were dreaming sweet dreams without care 
When he came to the first office door by the stairs. 
Here, branded ‘Clockers stockings all hung in a row. 
“These stockings,” he grinned, “are the first things to go!” 

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant, 
Around the whole room, and he took every present! 
Coolers! And GPUs! Gaming mice! Mats
Streaming gear! Monitors! Storage! Headsets
And he stuffed them in bags. Then 8Pack, very strongly, 
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, on the trolley! 

Neon Blazer set-up

Then he slunk to the kitchen to fill up his sack! 
He ate all the Haribo, every last pack! 
He cleaned out that kitchen as quick as a flash. 
Why, 8Pack even took their last can of InstaMash! 

Then he stuffed all the food up on the trolley with glee. 
“And NOW!” grinned 8Pack, “I will stuff up the tree!” 
And 8Pack grabbed the tree, and he started to shove 
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. 
He turned around fast, and he saw it was…who? 
A sleepy Briony, who had been up since two. 

8Pack had been caught by this tired YouTuber 
Who’d left Ed for a cup of hot brown water. 
She stared at 8Pack and said, “Santa Claus, why, 
Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?” 

But, you know, old 8Pack was so smart and so slick 
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! 
“Why, my silly little friend,” muscly Santa Claus lied, 
“There’s a light on this tree that won’t stay in sequence. 
“So, I’m taking it back over to my workbench. 
“I’ll fix it up there. Then I’ll bring it back here.” 

And his fib fooled Briony. Then he patted her head 
And he got her a drink and he sent her to Ed. 
And when Briony was locked in another session, 
He went to the trolley and threw the tree on! 

Glorious Model O 2 Gaming Mouse

Then the last thing he took was their WiFi code! 
Then he went to the trolley, himself, the old toad. 
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire. 
And the one speck of tech that he left in this house? 
Was a loose skate for an old model gaming mouse. 

Then he did the same thing to the other departments 
Leaving broken tech behind in random compartments. 

It was a quarter past dawn…all ‘Clockers, still a-bed, 
All ‘Clockers, still a-snooze when he packed up his sled, 
Packed it up with their presents! Their cables! Their lighting! 
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings! 

He rode for a mile! North up the A500 
He rode with his load to find a place to dump it! 
“Pooh-Pooh to ‘Clocker!” he was scrooge-ish-ly humming. 
“They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming! 
“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do! 
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two 
“Then everyone down in ‘Clockers will all cry BOO-HOO! 

“That’s a noise,” grinned 8Pack, “That I simply MUST hear!” 
So he paused. And 8Pack put his hand to his ear. 
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow. 
It started in low. Then it started to grow… 

But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sound sounded merry! 
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry! VERY! 
He stared down at ‘Clockers! 8Pack popped his eyes! 
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise! 

Everyone down in ‘Clockers, the tall and the small, 
Was singing! Without any presents at all!  
He HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME! 
Somehow or other. It came just the same! 

And 8Pack, with his arms now ice-cold in the snow, 
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so? 
“It came without lighting! It came without tags! 
“It came without package, boxes, or bags!” 
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore. 
Then 8Pack thought of something he hadn’t before! 
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from our store. 
“Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more!” 


And what happened then…? Well… at ‘Clockers they say 
That 8Pack learned to love RGB that day! 
With his thoughts on lighting finally set right, 
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light 
And he brought back the gifts! And the food for the feast! 
But…someone…had eaten the last Haribo treats! 

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3 months ago